WILL YOU TRUST ME?

Since Karen & I adopted our boys in 2010, we have become keenly aware of the core of God's heart and love that He expresses through adoption.  After all, when it comes to the Kingdom of Heaven, we all got grafted in! (see Romans 8).   So many times now as I read scripture, I see the miracle of adoption playing out.  Today, I noticed something.  In Matthew 21, The Complete Jewish Bible uses the word trust where all my life I have heard the word faith...if you have faith you can ask what you will vs. you can ask what you will provided you have trust (vs 21).  This seems to put a slightly different slant on the deal.  It moves it from a much broader concept of faith to a much more relational idea of trust.  I can't always wrap my cerebral processes around the notion of faith but now trust is a different story.  We are confronted with this issue virtually every day.  Who can be trusted?  Can we trust what our clients are telling us or what the preacher is saying or the government or the media?  Recently, while watching a post-game interview with a well-known college basketball coach, I was surprised when the commentator asked him what was the most important thing to instill in his players.  Without hesitation he replied, "Trust!"  The issue of trust is all around us and it is a relationship issue.

In Matthew 21, Jesus' words challenge a man or woman with a somewhat camouflaged message, “Do you trust me?”  Its a question that takes me to the single most important issue with of our adopted children.  We have asked the question constantly for the past 4 years:  will you trust us?  Unfortunately, our children came to us trusting no one but themselves.  If you've ever adopted my guess is the light bulb just came on and I've caught your attention.  You know what I'm talking about and you're near-desperate to see if I have any answers.  It is amazing how quickly a child learns that the world is not worthy of their trust.  It is equally amazing how deeply this belief resides within the thought processes and behavior of these children. 

“I must take care of myself” is more than an idea, it is a mandate that is seared into the mind and heart designed to insulate against all meaningful attachments to others.  And by meaningful I mean “in any type of trusting way”.  Positive attachment is built on trust and without it relationships are simply a way to get what I want in this world.  Never mind consequences because after all, relationships only exist to give me what I want. 

But trust is a much bigger problem that strikes at the very essence of relationships including our relationship with God.  To not trust sends us on our way to do our own thing… “misbehave” if you will.  It leads to sin which is, in essence, man’s way of saying “I’ll do it my way”.  The process reminds me of our experience with our grafted children and many stories that I have read about others who have adopted.  Jesus understood this dynamic well.  His teaching in Matthew 21 is easily misunderstood as an invitation to make out your "Christmas list", give it to the Man Upstairs and presto, you got the instant gratification!  But when it doesn’t happen as we thought it should, we conclude that God is not listening and even worse, cannot be trusted.  A second look at Jesus’ words here suggests that it’s the other way around…the trust comes first!  Ohhhhhhhh! ...

• I’ve got to trust before I ask?  
• I've got to trust before I attach!  
• I've got to trust before I receive!  

Jesus offers these words as an invitation to ask but that was only a smoke screen for the real issue:  Will you trust?  Make no mistake about it, Jesus caught our attention with the "and you will receive everything you ask" part.  But then, attention isn’t really what he was looking for …Will you trust when you ask?  

For the past 4 years Karen & I have been asking our children the same question.  They came to us with this not-so-little voice screaming in their heads...

“No!  I will not!  Adults, parents, people are not to be trusted!  I am in this thing for myself!”  

Oh, they don't say it with their words.  They say it when they don't follow house rules that we've gone over with them 40 gazillion times.  They say it when they destroy their toys or property and just like relationships, it doesn't really matter because, well, we'll simply move on to the next one.  They say it when they obsess about, hoard and gorge their food as if they will never be fed again.  Make no mistake about it, Karen and I constantly work to win and establish one simple thing with our grafted children:  trust!  Just like the crowd that was in ear shot of Jesus’ words that day, our younger children are focused on the you will receive everything while missing the "but you must trust" part.  On the surface, its aggravating to feel like you're offering something good over and over and over only to be ignored.  The rejection stings.  But then sometimes it runs through my mind:  I wonder what happened in those days before we got them that generated this level of inability to attach and trust?  Surely therein lies the answer to understanding their overriding skepticism towards everyone in their world.  At other times I retreat to a quiet place where I hear my Heavenly Father whisper in my ear...."I know how you feel, son!"  

Somehow I am strengthened when I realize He was talking about me!  

Until we talk again, I will leave you with this...  

One of Those Moments

I've always been drawn to the passage of scripture where Jesus went to the garden to pray the night before "the plan" was to unfold.  Obviously He knew the time and He knew the incredible importance of the moment.  It was a process in full motion that intensified the moment He entered the garden.

There are many aspects of this moment in the garden that speak to me.  But for just a minute, let me focus on a few words He uttered:  "Father, if you are willing, take this cup away from me" (Luke 22:42 Complete Jewish Bible).  Willing?  Why did Jesus say this?  You can't really say that He thought the Father would take Him up on this one.  After all, it was their plan.  No, I think this is a moment that Jesus was having in the process.  Its a process that had become so arduous, so intense, that the soul is exposed and for a brief moment purpose is lost in a forest of overwhelming emotion.  It was a moment, a brief, fleeting moment, where something rose up in Jesus that wished that the whole deal didn't have to be this way.  It is one of the moments that reassures us that Jesus was, in fact, fully man as He carried out His divine mission.

I identify with this type of moment.  Karen & I have had many of them over the past few months.  You've had them too.  Those moments when it just seems overwhelming and something slips out of your soul that wishes for it to all go away.  We have met our "moments" in our current process of adoption.  We have not written much over the past few weeks partly because of technological challenges while in the mid-west and partly because, well, we've had our share of "moments".  But by way of update, I'm going to take a brief minute to let everyone know where we are these days. I supposed all adoptions have their struggles. Ours mostly come in dealing with the system.

Two weeks ago we returned from the mid-west with the 2 new children.  We had to leave a couple of days early after receiving word that Karen's grandmother was struggling to live and may not make it through the night.  After leaving the mid-west we realized that the new children did not know what they were doing with us.  They had not been prepared for who we were and what we were doing in their small town (i.e., they did not know we were there to welcome them into our family and that our plan was to adopt them).  As we got closer to NC it became more apparent that this was a significant issue as the 4 year girl cried herself to sleep each night.  Sometimes this has been better and sometimes worse. 

To give some background, our children have been in the same foster home for 3 years.  We thought this would make their little lives better than children who are moved around from home to home while awaiting adoption.  And while this may be true in some regards, it does not translate into smooth transition for the children. They have only known one "mom" and when that "mom" has told them she will always be their mom the idea of moving on to their permanent family must feel a little more like kidnapping than the love and security of a forever family.  But the truth remains, she chose not to adopt them and for whatever reasons did not  prepare them for being grafted into our family. I could write a book on the things we experienced in dealing with the foster mom but I will save that for another time.

To add to the drama of the transition, no more had we arrived home that we learned that Karen's grandmother had, in fact, passed away.  We returned to the western part of NC to attend the funeral and by the time we did so, 6 of the 8 of us had acquired either cold or flu-like symptoms.  It has not been until the past 3-4 days that we have actually settled into any type of routine.  The routine has been fruitful.  The new children are enjoying themselves and seem to be feeling safe and comfortable here. We have not had tears at night and we have had lots of laughter during the day.


      

Now is where it gets dicey.  The social workers devised a plan whereby the children would stay with us for a couple of weeks before returning to their previous foster home for a few weeks before coming back to us for a few weeks before returning to their foster home for a few weeks before coming to our home permanently!  Yes, read that last sentence several times.  It says it all!  Just reading the plan will make your head spin!  But that is the plan under which we currently operate.  We've pleaded with the social worker to simply leave them with us but so far to no avail.  Karen & I are sweating great drops of our own, feeling like this plan is a setup for failure and ultimately will lead to incredible mistrust, insecurity and confusion in the children.  After all, broken attachments are tough to heal in a child and we're just going to keep ripping them apart over the next few months?  We really don't have to speculate about the impact of this plan as it has already generated significant confusion, anxiety and frustration in the new children as well as our other children.

But rules are rules, right?  At least that's what we're told.  Forget whether they make sense for the children or not, the paperwork has to be done.  And to some extent I get it but when bureaucracy trumps common sense it doesn't set to well with me and I promise you somebody looses.  In this case, its the children.

So where are we?  Honestly, we're not sure.  We've got at least one child who is lost and confused right now, a system that seems dead set on stamping in insecurity and stacking the deck against successful transition all in the name of paperwork, and hearts that hurting.  We've passed Phase I which is simply to meet them but it sure seems like we are walking through a field full of emotional landmines that could detonate at any moment and send this entire adoption into oblivion.

Oh that this cup would pass!

I could write much more but perhaps I should stop at this point.  We will try to post a few times this week to update our situation.  Karen & I wish to thank all of you who have been such a wonderful support over the past few months.  You have truly been a blessing to us.  If you have adopted and have a story to tell, we would love to hear it.

Update on Bringing Our New Kids Home!

So here we are.  24 Hours away from beginning the process to meet our kids and bring them home with us. Leaving the farm behind is stressful but knowing our police officer son will be here to house and animal sit while we're gone is comforting.  Anxiety mounts, but its a good anxiety...at least most of it.  Will our new children like us or will they be disappointed?  Will they take to us quickly or will it take a while to capture them?  What will our other young children think?  What will they do?  What is going through their little minds as they watch 2 other children being grafted into our family?

While it is difficult at times to determine what our 3 youngest boys are thinking, I think its safe to say they are both excited and nervous.  True to their history, they handle emotional stimulation with regressive behavior.  All kinds of things are popping up this week that we haven't had to deal with much over the past 6 months.  This is somewhat predictable and it is why we knew that we could not travel to meet our new children and not take them with us.  It would have ignited their worst fears in life and we simply could not do that to them.

In spite of the increased anxiety, the boys have also shown amazing resiliency and compassion for our new children.  Each evening at the dinner table they ask "when do we leave to get our new kids?"   They are genuinely excited and this adoption has served to help them expand their worlds beyond themselves in order to think of others.  We are proud of the progress our boys have made and especially proud of the acceptance that they have already demonstrated for our new children.

We can't fathom how little children comprehend how this works. It is so unnatural for kids not to have a home and family from the start and to see them getting excited about getting a family or adding to our family in this way is still so strange. We are glad that they are excited, it is just amazing that they can come to any kind of understanding in their little minds about it. To our boys, families just add more people/children at different times and to them "getting" these two is normal. They are not phased by that part at all. They are definitely more excited than anything.

I think there is a spiritual lesson here.  When one is born into God's kingdom, isn't one of the things that He asks of us is that we share His love and good news with others?   In other words, think of somebody else long enough to help them in life?

That's where we are today.  We wait expecting, excited and, yes, anxiously for the rest of God's provision, which as of today is $5,000.  We continually remind ourselves to not get sidetracked by what we see in the natural and re-focus on what we see in our mind and spirit's eye...and we break out all over again with thanks and gratitude to be a part of something so special as to take care of His little ones!  We are reminded of Pillar 12 (see my book, 12 Pillars & a Prayer) and we join with the Apostle Paul in "being anxious for nothing, but by prayers and petitions, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God...and His peace will guard your hearts and minds" (Philippians 4:4-8).

You can go to www.simplesolutions4.com and scroll down to donate to help us bring our 2 children home!

Looking for Answers in the Easy Places

 

This morning I heard my wife comment in the other room followed by a couple of emails she forwarded to me.  Both were CNN breaking news feeds that read as follows:

The new search area for Flight 370 is hundreds of miles closer to the Australian coast, which will give planes more time to spend over the area, an Australian official says. Planes may also encounter better weather there than in the previous search area.

and

Aircraft first arrived at the new search area Friday, an Australian official said. So far, authorities have not found anything they would classify as debris, he said.

After reading the 2 emails,  It brought to mind the story about the boy who was frantically looking for something behind the family home.  It was late at night and the boy was down on all fours, brushing his hands back and forth in the grass and near the point of tears when his father came looking for him only to find him in their back yard. 

“What are you doing, son?” the father asked.

The boy replied, “I’m looking for my watch” to which the father inquired further, “Where did you last see it?”

“In the front yard!” he quickly responded.  Puzzled by his son’s response, the father ventured again, “Then why in the world are you looking in the backyard for the watch?”

Slightly annoyed and obviously distressed the boy responded without hesitation “Because that is where the light is!”

The CNN news search struck me as similar logic.  While I’m sure there is more to the story, it reads as if the search was moved to a new location because the weather was better there!  Of course the follow up news released indicated that the search team had come up empty! 

What really strikes me about this story is in the details.  How many times do we “look for answers in the easiest place to look”?  For example children...

Ø 

        Why do they continue to do the things we’ve asked them not to do even after we’ve preached this     sermon over a 1000 times? 

Ø  Why do they ask for the very thing that wasnt offered?  

Ø  Why do they lie about insignificant things? 

Ø  Why do they terrorize the other kids in sunday school?

Its easy to search in the comfortable places…

Ø  They’re oppositional…

Ø  they’re defiant,

Ø  they’re ungrateful,

Ø  they’re detached…

 

But searching for debris in the comfortable places doesn’t pay off very well.  The search must move to the uncomfortable places…in such places the search team is pushed to discover the truth.  The secrets of the soul are not easily discovered and healing is never found in the label.  It requires something of a sacrifice from the search team and in the case of a child’s heart parents are that search team.  And if we’re talking about children who have been grafted into the family it’s difficult to know where the plane went down!  The search begins with asking a different set of questions.  If it’s not defiance, then what is it?  If it’s not detachment, then what?  What is my child feeling when he abandons all logic and consequence to do his/her own thing?

Recently, I had an interesting meeting with a young man.  During our meeting he began to tell me that his father abandoned the family when he was 6.  Literally, his dad went to the grocery store and never came back!  The young man tearfully recounted what it was like for him and that he now can relate to kids because he “knows what it feels like”.  I stopped him at that point and asked a pointed question, “So what does it feel like?”

I sat there for a moment and as tears welled up in his eyes.  He then looked me in the eyes and said “FEAR!  I was all alone and figured that I had to take care of myself…nobody was going to be there for me!” 

What had been an academic-like meeting suddenly became a sobering moment filled with emotion, as I got a glimpse of the injury in his soul.  His story represents the heart of too many teens and children who carry the burden of their own survival.  We get caught up on the opposition and disobedience because after all, the weather is safer there.  To search elsewhere requires that we fly headlong into the storm while suspending our need for comfort and/or realize that our intense desire for reciprocal love may not be realized…at least not right now.  The search requires that we keep trying to attach with no guarantees that it will ever happen. 

Granted, it is easier to search where the weather is good.  Otherwise I am forced to admit that this unconditional love thing is very hard.  I am confronted with the reality that on my own, I am inept at this “laying down my life thing” in order for my child to thrive and feel the warm embrace and security of love. 

So how do you look in the right places even though the weather there is terrible, maybe even treacherous?  I know of only one model for doing so.  Its found in these words, “Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who…made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant…He humbled Himself and became obedient…” (Phillipians 2:5-8).  The model also teaches that “while we were yet sinners, He died for us”…which translated means that while we were doing all that crazy stuff to try to hide our fears, He still loved!  And there’s the model.  The denial of one’s own self in order that others may prosper.  It’s the right place to search.  Its not as comfortable as where blue skies prevail or street lights shine into a frightening darkness…but then there are no plane parts or watches to be found in those places and there are no children to be saved from their fears there either.

Understanding Adoptive Parents

As we have previously written, our experience parenting children that we have adopted has brought with it many surprises, challenges and yes, its bizarre moments!  

One of the things that we’ve noticed over the past few years is how the entire adoptive experience has had an isolating effect on us.  If we would have had a nickel for every time we’ve looked at each other and said, “they [meaning friends and even family] just don’t understand” our financial status would be dramatically altered!  

One thing we admit is that it is hard to talk to about these things.  There have been those who tried.  It often feels like others are wondering if we’ve lost our minds, not to mention our parental touch.  Attempts by those around us to help us out by saying something that they think is either instructive or inspirational often seem shallow or even worse, judgmental and condemning.  Admittedly, it’s a tough line to walk.  I’m not sure I could say something all that wise to me if I were in my friends’ shoes! 

So that’s why we’re posting these links!  We came across several other blogs recently that say it all and to be honest really make us feel like we are not alone and there are people out there that do understand. There really are people out there that are living the life we are living to some degree or another. We are thankful for these posts that have encouraged us and spoken to our heart. We hope you will enjoy them as well.

This blog tells it all, exactly what we feel and experience daily. We are not saints but Warriors fighting for these children and all children who need homes and families. Please click on the following link: http://sherific.blogspot.com/2013/11/adoption-month.html?m=1

This blog explains so much truth about special needs adoption and although our boys are not diagnosed with any physical special needs they do, in fact, have very special needs. The impact of loss, abandonment and neglect took its toll on our boys and the result is that our family has a very difficult time doing even simple, perfunctory activities like driving 30 minutes to eat out or an hour and a half to visit family. Such routine events result in chaos, destruction of property and frustration that even Mother Teresa would have a difficult time managing! The result is a feeling of isolation and even though this has been one of the hardest things we have ever done, we wouldn't change a thing. It has also been one of the most rewarding things we have done and in spite of our struggles we feel totally blessed to have our boys. Please click on the following link: http://www.ellenstumbo.com/are-special-needs-families-isolated-by-erin-loraine/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+EllenStumbo+%28Ellen+Stumbo%29

This blog offers a nice mix of humor and truth.  It is a list of the 10 things that you don’t say to adoptive parents.  Please click on the following link: http://africatoamerica.org/2014/01/24/ten-things-not-to-say-to-adoptive-parents/.  My favorite part was the 7 things to say to an adoptive parent. So true and encouraging. Lets all try to say some of these things to the families you know that are adopting or have adopted.

We are truly not offended by others attempts to encourage us.  In fact, we’ve said a lot of the same things to others too.  We recognize that ours is a unique and difficult situation and we are eternally grateful for friends and family like you that have stood with us and encouraged us!  With that said, enjoy and we’ll talk again soon…

Bunk Room

Since adding the boys into our family we have done a lot of rearranging in the house. Rearranging bedrooms has been the biggest of changes we have made and we have rearranged numerous times to get just the right fit for everyone. Space is not a problem. We could put everyone in their own room but that hasnt been the best option. We have tried individual rooms, and different combinations of pairing up and finally we came to our current set up and it has been wonderful.

In the beginning this room was inspired by Pinterest. I kept seeing bunk rooms and they were so cute. We had two sets of bunk/twin beds in different rooms so to move everyone in the same room for sleeping was not that big of a risk. The joke around our house is Karen shows Russell a picture and he makes it. It works out very nicely. So I got the picture and he began working on it.

We chose a room to make into our bunk room. This room would be for sleeping and clothes. Another room will be the play room with all the toys. The first task was to paint the room. I began that while Russell began the construction of the bunk bed frames.

This room has a chimney going up through it makes  a strange little box area in the middle of the main wall so we had to build around that. The over all size of the room is about 13 x 17 ft. It just so happened that the beds fit perfectly on either side of the extension.

Then we painted the beds to match the walls to create a built in feeling.

The boys love the bunk room! Everyone has their own bed and there are no distractions during the night. Everyone sleeps much better together and then there is the  play room for all the playing. That will be another post coming soon.

Sibling Rivalry

So this morning I'm minding my own business, enjoying a little quiet time and reading from the Good Book when I come across a scripture in John 21 that makes me laugh.  Now I don't often see scripture as a discourse in comedy, but I couldn't help myself this morning.  The dynamic was all too familiar.  This exchange records the 3rd time He has appeared to someone since His resurrection from the dead.  He is having a nice little conversation with Peter on the seashore.  Just the 2 of them strolling down the coastline enjoying a special little one-on-one friendship time that Peter must have found infinitely rewarding when he notices something.  "The disciple whom Jesus loved" is following along behind them.  Its a real Raymond and Robert moment if you know what I mean (think Everybody Loves Raymond).

Now understand that Jesus had just encouraged Peter to take the lead, me "the man", feed the sheep, garner the troops...well, you get the idea.  But when Peter catches a glimpse of this disciple... whom Jesus loved...following along looking all the world like he was trying to crowd in on his private time with the risen Savior, he can't help himself.  Peter knows better than to question the disciple's right to be there or on a more primative level, even exist.  After all, he had seen Jesus in action and was aware that one of His most defining mantras was "let them come".  So in that moment, filled with what I suspect was irritation, Peter blurts out, "Well what about this guy, Jesus?  What's in it for him?"  (paraphrased by me...you might want to read it for yourself at John 21:21!).  I close my eyes and hear the words of Robert as he concedes in his dejection, "everybody loves Raymond"!  

And Jesus' reply?  

"If I want him to live to remain until I come, what is that to you?"  I think another translation here would be something like:  "Whatever Peter!  If I say he lives until I come back, that's nunya!... none-of-your-business!"  

It was a classical moment!  A vintage sibling rivalry moment!  It struck me as funny because we've had this same moment with our boys...so, so many times!

• “Don’t worry about what your brother is wearing!  Just worry about what you have on!"
• “Don’t worry about what your brother got for his birthday!  You play with your toys and be happy for him!”
• “Don’t worry about what he’s got on his plate!  You eat what’s on yours!”  
• "You are not your brother's keeper.  Just mind your own business!"
• "What is that to you if he got a piggyback ride!"

I suppose that foolishness is bound in the heart of a child and only through considerable effort and discipline is it tamed. Jesus had to deal with it and so have we…hundreds of times!  Its immature, its misguided, its aggravating and its selfishness in its rawest form…but its life and intricately wound up in the heart of a boy or girl, man or woman.  Its called, “who’s getting what?” and “hey, I got the short end of the stick!”  Its more that just petty jealousy or simple selfishness. The issue stems from a fear that I will not have what I need and an anxiety that I will not be taken care of.  It is a basic question that each of us must answer:  do we really believe that our Father in Heaven will provide for us, on a personal, intimate level, what we need and do so in abundance as He promised to do? (see Jesus' other words earlier in the book of John, chapter 10 verse 10).  

The good news is that our boys are learning and so do we as sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father.  So until we talk again...hey Lord, I saw a brand new BMW in front of John's house...!

Words For A Child's Life

A child's life is a blank page. 

What will the first words be? 

Shut up! 

Get out of my sight. 

Go play. 

Don't touch! 

You, that child's parent, write upon 

These words teach fear. 

They register unwantedness. 

They say, "I don't love you." 

Let your words teach gentleness and beauty. 

Let them supply high moral principles, 

courage to meet life's disappointments, 

pride in a job well done. 

Use words that reflect your love: 

Beautiful, son! 

You did a great job. 

Don't worry--we'll clean it up together. 

I'm so proud of you!

 

When your child is grown, you will look at him 

and see the words you wrote on that blank page. 

Write words you will be proud of!

Author Unknown

There is one universal truth in this world:  your words will determine the future.  I am told that in every major religion in the world there is something in their teaching that reflects this principle.  In Christianity, it is a central and essential life giving principle.  God spoke the word and the world was created.  Moses spoke the word and the Red Sea split, saving the Hebrew nation from certain annihilation.  Jesus spoke the word and the centurion’s servant was healed.  Paul turned and looked deep into the eyes of a tormented lady and spoke the word and her tormentors fled abruptly.  Later, in Romans 4:17 he tips his hand, telling us he got the idea from God, for “He gives life to those things that are dead, and calls those things that are not as though they were.”

In parenting, the truth about your words and how they shape the life of another human being is paramount.  Early in our parental careers we read an excellent book by John Trent and Gary Smalley called The Blessing.  What is remembered about that book is the concept of painting “word pictures” for your children.  The idea is to speak words of blessing over them in the form of a picture of their life.  Its an awesome thought that a child’s destiny is so colossally determined by the words that they absorb so early in life.  Where does a child get the idea that he is worth something in this world?  Where does she gain the understanding that she does not have to compromise her standards in order to gain acceptance?  Conversely, where does the child learn that he will never amount to much in this world?  Where in the world did a 5 year old get the idea that he’s a holy terror (or unholy!) and an unwanted addition to the family?

Who writes these messages on a child’s hearts?  Obviously, parents get first shot at it.  Me, you and every parent in this world will speak into their child’s life.  Will the child hear the sounds and voice inflections of acceptance?  Or will it be words of rejection and that their life is one of intrusion and hardship?  Its an awesome responsibility, perhaps the most awesome responsibility in the whole world.  But even more, it’s the most awesome privilege in the whole world to think that God Himself, has trusted us enough to place such a powerful tool, not in our hands, but in our mouth!

But who else writes these messages on a child’s heart?  Over the years we have been so aware of the words spoken to our children and have guarded their hearts from words that could have caused destruction.  As parents, we took this principle of the spoken word very seriously.  We have made tough, sometimes unpopular decisions to not leave them in children’s church, remove them from classrooms, and not visit some of their friends’ homes because we were wary of the messages they would receive while there.  We made sure that those who were writing on our children’s hearts would be speaking words we knew would be productive and help them grow.

And what was the fruit of our efforts?  We now have the advantage of hindsight as 4 of our children have hit their 20’s and see them acting on those words that have been etched on their hearts for years.  In short and without squawking our pride too much, our older children are solid, love God, respect themselves and others, and contribute much to the Kingdom of God and society.  Their lives were no accident.  They were spoken in profound, positive prophetic ways from day 1…and we aggressively and unapologetically did everything we could to protect them from others who add negative, ungodly words to their cerebral processes!

We’re in month 5 now with our 4 new children.  Its amazing the scripts that have already been written on their hearts and minds, even down to the 2 year old.  Many of the words have been quite toxic and have generated significant hurt and disappointment.  But, like a spring flower blossoming after a good soaking rain we have noticed that our new children respond to kind words, words of affirmation and reassurance, and a lexicon of acceptance and love.  They begin to open up, hearts are merry, and emotions are healed as they leap (sometimes literally) with joy and excitement.  It saddens us that 463,000 children are currently involved in the Foster Care system in the United States alone, about a third of which are available for adoption.  Who is writing words on their hearts?  Is it staff that are going home at 5:00 sharp?  Is it the social worker?  Or maybe the parents that failed to provide basic nurturing in the first place?  Or is it the kids at school who can be so “innocently” ruthless on the kid living in a decent home, not to mention “the kid living in the shelter”?  Or even worse, maybe it’s the 15 year old who’s also in Foster Care, who projects his or her lifetime of hurt and negative words onto the 6 year old housemate!  Oh if people only realized the damage they can do with their words! And what a difference can be made with the right words.

Our task now is to rewrite those negative words and give these four children a positive, healthy future. The kind of future God intended for them from the beginning. What words can you speak in someone’s life today?

Managing your own need.

Today brought an interesting devotion from the book of Proverbs.  In the 25th Chapter, Solomon, the man credited with being the wisest man to ever live said these words:

 

It is not good to eat much honey;

So to seek one’s own glory is not glory [at all].

Whoever has no rule over his own spirit

Is like a city broken down, without walls.

 

One of the devasting effects of parental neglect is the development of narcissism.  Psychoanalysist, Heinz Kohut, once spoke much about the development of narcissism.  He concluded that everybody has a narcissistic need and that in normal development these needs are met through empathic parenting.  Primarily through empathy, children develop the skill of self soothing, feeling safe, receive nurturing and develop a sense of well-being in this world.  Without such parenting, narcissism basically goes unchecked, rules the day, and establishes an abyss of emotional need that demands satisfaction, i.e., its all about me, baby!   Those around such a person often avoid contact, run for the exit doors or tend to counter the self-centeredness with rejection and in worse cases, become abusive in efforts to "tame" the narcissistic demands.

 

Kohut's theory never made more sense to me than now.  We have seen first hand the emotional injuries of neglect and the resultant narcissism.  It is one of the more difficult aspects of parenting children who have been neglected.  Watching a child try to meet legitimate needs through narcissistic indulgence is painstakingly difficult and managing your own reactions is tricky.  If you're not careful everyone loses.  The child makes no progress in learning to meet his/her needs and the parents have just either avoided or scolded the child for their demanding behavior...thus, to seek one’s own glory is not glory [at all].    Solomon said it centuries ago.  But he also tips us on how to meet those needs.  It requires that you gain control over your spirit.  We’re talking personal responsibility not only for making good choices, but for meeting one’s own needs in legitimate, healthy ways.  To not do so leaves you without defense or protection, just as a city without walls is subject to invasion.  When you are seeking your own glory, the possibility that you will be met with invaders is increased, resulting not in needs being met, but legitimate needs being plundered and even exploited.   This explains why people who are sensitive to rejection seem to invite that rejection from others.  Seeking your own glory opens up your soul like a broken down city without walls.  You get whatever wanders up and enters in.  Perhaps the sojourner is good for the city, perhaps he is not.  Maybe the need is met, maybe the soul and emotions were exploited and frustrated one more time.  However, the one who rules over his or her own spirit is not so.  They let in what they know will be good for the city!

 

But then the question comes, "exactly how to do teach a child to rule over his own spirit?"  Particularly a child that has experienced such disappointment and whose sense of well-being has been shaken to the core.  To that we say, "stay tuned, we'll get back to you on that one!"  We know it has to do with consistency, emphasizing personal responsibility from each child, the importance of the truth, unconditional love from parents and establishing meaningful relationships.  Perhaps it requires other things as well.  If you've got an idea, let us hear from you!  We'd welcome the input!  Until next time...