Ego-Man

We have fought many battles over the course of our adoption of our sibling group.  The pressure has been great and the stress overwhelming at times.  Some of it we have written about and some we have not.  There is so much that our children have endured and the result of their struggles often presents as a quite self-centered and egocentric existence in this world.  Sometimes even narcissistic in nature.  But we have come to understand their little struggles over the past year in a different way.  As a rule, life always seems to offer judgment as the first response when others aren't what we think they should be.  It is only when we bring the judgmental thinking to the obedience of Christ (see Phillippians 2) that we understand there is more to behavior than meets the eye.

Some of the lessons that Karen & I have learned over the past year begins with the basic tenet that to find a way to laugh is probably your best option in terms of guarding your heart and soul against callous, harsh and judgmental build-up that absolutely clogs up the joy, peace and love pipes in your soul.  So, in the spirit of "laughter really is the best medicine" we share with you our laugh of the day.

Our recently turned 5-year-old-but-I-know-everything-well-beyond-my-years son, who is known for his egocentric manner of being in this world came flying out of his room fully equipped in superhero garments, i.e., cape, t-shirt with the "S" on the front, and mask, yelling "Ego-Man, Ego-Man!"  While I [Russell] thought the identity sure fit, I queried him in order to understand this "Ego Man" superhero.  Again, the little fellow , put his hands on hips, stuck his chest out proudly and shouted "Ego Man!  Ego Man!"  I just shook my head, bowed and prayed that somehow God in His infinite power would deliver him from such an identity!  So I gathered myself to ask one final time, "Ego Man?" to which he became indignant with me.  "No!  No!" "Ego Man!", as he held out his shirt.  I now noticed that it was not an "S" on the t-shirt, but rather an eagle!  ...he was "Eagle Man!" and he could fly like a bird! 

I again lowered my head and this time thanked God for answered prayer! 

Until we talk again, weird is the new norm!

Russell & Karen Thomas

Weird Is The New Norm

As months have now given way to over a year with our new children, we have come to understand that things are different than we expected and parenting these children is much different than our natural children. While there has been all the "big stuff" that we've worked on, i.e., things that are just common sense right that you would think every human being understands, there are also these other things that we have just come to understand as weird. Things that just come from a different place within....things that are just weird! These "weird" moments seem to come from a thinking process unlike other earthlings and represent the difficulty of Martian Children trying to adapt to their new environments. Now don't get us wrong. Weird is not implying "badness". It is simply calling out and labeling the out-of-the-ordinary, didn't-see-that-coming, behavior that is driven by a thinking process unfamiliar to us. We have actually gotten to the place where much of it generates humor in our hearts and home in a way that enhances the whole bonding thing. Let me try to explain.

 Early in our adoption, the little guy, just over 2 years old at the time, was found one cold, winter morning around 6:00 am on the back porch, barefoot and in PJs, feeding the cats...weird! What 2 year old gets up at 6 o'clock (or adult for that matter) and feeds the cats?! It was one of those, "ain't he just the cutiest thing!" moments that later sunk in as, "wow, that was different!". No, that's just weird!

 Another time, the middle boy, age 4 at the time, was found mid-morning playing in his room naked as a jay bird! While admittedly modesty is not the most striking characteristic of a 4 year old male child, most reserve such exhibitions of their birthday suites to streaking thru the house after bath time. Its a little more unusual to simply create their own little naked world while sitting around on the floor playing with their legos. And to further illustrate our point, when asked why he had not dressed the little fellow's response was "Oh! I forgot!" It was 10:30 in the morning, everyone has eaten breakfast, watched a Veggie Tales episode, gotten dressed and are playing like they are supposed to do except for this little fellow who forgot to put his clothes on and turned his play room into a nudist colony!

 And the eldest boy, well, he has redefined the standard for weird. One time I (Russell) played a bedtime game with him where I pretended to crack a fake egg on his forehead and then ran my fingers down his face lightly as if the egg was slimming down his face. Several days later, the entire family ventured to the barn and gathered eggs. On the walk back from the barn, for some unknown reason, the little fellow decided he would repeat my game from the night before. The only thing was that he used a real egg that we just retrieved from the barn! Whap! Egg on forehead...egg broken...egg running down face! His response? He laughed and thought it was a wonderful game! We, on the other hand, laughed on the outside but on the inside we're thinking "What?!!! This is weird!"

 We've spent the past 15 months trying to help our little Martian Children learn the rules here on earth. We've fretted, fasted, prayed and pouted wondering if we would be able to help them understand the concept of "normal". We have decided that it is us, the parents, who will make the changes. Instead of being in a rush to fix all of this stuff, we've decided its in our best interest and the kids to exercise a little acceptance and start with weird being our new norm!

 ...until we write again, have a weirdly blessed day!

 derived from an excerpt of Dr. Russell & Karen Thomas' new book, Raising Martian Children.

What to do when company comes.......

Its been almost a month since our last post and much has happened in our family.  The new year has brought a fresh perspective on life and raising our kids.  While much of our blogging has been therapeutic for us, i.e., you got to do something with all this weirdness!, it has also tended to focus on our struggles.  Today, though, we want to blog about the lighter side.  Perhaps it is indicative of progress that we are beginning to get in touch with the humor again or perhaps it is a form of denial, where we are simply ignoring things to have a moment of laughter...after all, it is good for what ails you!

Recently, Karen caught a segment of conversation between Jeffrey, age 12, and the 3 younger boys.  In the conversation, Jeffrey was providing some sage advice regarding family etiquette, based on his years of experience.

"Look guys, you should never show off when company comes. Don't go getting all your toys and showing them off. Always let the company start the conversation........" 

At this point, Jeffrey has something of an ADHD moment and  begins to digress into conversation regarding some unspoken company behaviors that have obviously bothered the poor child for quite some time.

"Of course, When they start the conversation, it always starts the same way......they always ask you what grade you're in!  Why do they do that?  Why is the first question out of their mouth always 'what grade are you in?'!  Are you kidding me?  Is that the best ice breaker you can come up with?! Seriously! Like a kid wants to talk about school?!" 

By now, Jeffrey has obviously left his role as big brother and role model.  He is now in full give-me-a-break mode, hoping that somehow he can alter centuries-long tradition that has guided the socialization of the young in North American families for time ad infinitum!

"Why do they never say something like, 'is that a new Kinnect?!' or 'what games go with your Wii?!'  Jeffrey continues with a new found mixture of pleading, drama, and focus usually reserved for closing arguments in a court of law.  "But noooo!  They've got to always start out with, 'what grade are you in?!'"
By this time Karen is laughing and wondering where all this is coming from and the 3 younger boys have joined Jeffrey's brief tirade with lots of energy but not the foggiest idea what they are protesting!
One could say that Oppositional-defiant behavior has many expressions and is certainly alive and kicking in the Thomas household.  But then I guess trying to form a family unit from scratch and the stresses that go along with the task has all kinds of way of oozing out of a human being.  In the case of one 12 year old, it must have seemed easier to take a shot at tradition than to try to teach it! 

As we say here in the south, Bless his heart!  Until we talk again...

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Will it Make Any Difference?

Here we are approaching Christmas.  Its been a year since we received our new children into our home.  And what a year its been!  I would have thought that Karen, the wonderful mother of 5, former preschool teacher and the queen of motherly instincts and myself, a clinical psychologist of 31 years, father and instructor would have been ready for their arrival and participation in our family.  While the year is not lost, it has not been without turbulence and surprise!


A good friend of ours, Sandy Jones, wrote us recently a humorous story about her family experience as a young girl in upstate Michigan.  Here's an excerpt from her email:

"[I] have this memory of going out into the woods in the snow to cut down our Christmas tree and my mom had hot cocoa and homemade cookies for us in the car. It seemed so magical. I thought this was a tradition for us for a few years. However, when I asked my mom about it she said we only did it once and it was awful. They had a terrible time cutting the tree down and getting it back to the car, it was freezing cold, and the car got stuck in the snow. Funny how a child and a parent can remember the same event so completely differently!"


Karen & I can only hope and pray that our children remember this first year as Sandy remembers that infamous family moment retrieving their Christmas tree because right now, we remember vividly how difficult it was to drag the tree out of the woods, freezing our caboose off and being stuck in the snow, i.e, assimilate these children into our home and lives!


Otherwise, as we end this first year, we reflect on it with mixed emotions.  On the one hand, it often feels as though little progress has been made while on the other, we rejoice in God's hand and how He has blessed our hearts and home.  In our worst moments we have tried to find His voice and guiding hand.  It has actually been out of this desire to find Him that tremendous revelation has occurred.  I recently spoke in Raleigh, NC at Rolesville Community Church where my good friend Steve LeRoux pastors a congregation.  He had asked me to speak about our adoption experience and with great reluctance and hesitation, I did so (You can see a video of that message in its entirety at our website www.simplesolutions4.com). ; The remainder of this post is a summary of what Karen and I have learned the past year that without adopting, we may have never understood.  There is an old saying "the devil is in the details" but we say that it is God that is in the details and that if we press in just a bit we begin to understand and appreciate the magnitude of who He is and just how crazy in love He is with His prize creation...you and me!


Lessons Learned from Adoption.  It is always true that there are two separate but interrelated processes going on at all times.    Equally as true is the fact that events in one domain often mirror or run parallel to those in the other.  Group therapists and leaders often refer to this phenomenon as "parallel process".   It is like when one member is struggling with communications at work and now the group members themselves, finds themselves struggling to talk to each:  two separate processes that are interrelated and mirror one another.  This is often an extremely useful and powerful process to bring about change and usually positive changes in one domain effect the other in a positive manner.  Futhermore, if you resolve conflicts in one domain you will resolve the conflict in the other.


Life itself operates on this "parallel process" principle.  On one hand, we have the physical, while on the other hand the spiritual.  The two are separate entities but very much intertwined.  One might say that the entire prophetic movement, both ancient and modern is built on this principle.  In the Bible prophets shaved their heads, tied themselves up, ate donkey dung and shook all over while they ate and drank in order to demonstrate something in the natural and is going on in the spiritual:  parallel processes that demonstrate one truth and changes in one trigger changes in the other.  Jesus spoke of the same process when asked about the end times and His second return to earth.  In Luke 21 he said to look at the trees and when they bud understand that the same thing is happening in heaven and its just about time for my return...2 different domains, one reflecting what is going on in the other.

Adoption as a parallel process of God's grace.  I wish that I had a nickel for every time that Karen and I have looked at each other and said something to the effect that "when they [the children] do that, its just like when God says..." and then we complete the sentence.  In other words, what we see in the natural, raw behavior of our children, mirrors something about what is truth in the spiritual domain.  To understand this process has been a revelation to us: a revelation particularly of God's love, grace, and mercy to us all.  We'd like to share a couple of those lessons that we have learned through our adopted children over this past year.

First, the degree of separation and detachment that they demonstrated was surprising.  We were immediately taken back by the degree to which our adopted children lacked attachment, not to us (we expected that), but to each other.  We assumed that their common history of hardship and just life together would have bound them together in a way that was not only satisfying, but also protective.  What we found was 4 children who were not only detached from all others, but from each other as well.  They had virtually no regard for each other and would consistently sell each other out in order to gain some type of advantage, i.e., food, attention, staying up later, etc.  It was literally "every man for himself".

Likewise, Peter described all of us in a similar fashion (I Peter 2:10) when he said that we were "once not a people, but now we are a people".  We were once going through life with no identity, no place, no relationship to others.  We were simply on our own, doing our own thing, looking after our own interests.  But then Peter goes on to say that we found something:  mercy.  Mercy is God's unmerited favor and it makes us aware of others' needs and tolerant, maybe even compassionate, towards their shortcomings.  The experience of God's mercy in our lives allows us to connect with others using the same technique that God used in ours:  the giving up of one's own personal rights in order to love and connect with others in spite of their unworthiness for us to do so.  Two separate domains and if you resolve conflict in one domain you will resolve conflict in the other.  If we can understand how God demonstrated mercy to us, connected with us, perhaps we can do that with our disconnected children and they can in turn, do it with others.

There are many other lessons learned through this parallel process that have demonstrated the power, love and grace of Jesus in our hearts.  I talked about some of them in that message Sunday morning and for the sake of length in this blog will not reiterate them at this time other than the last one.  It is the principle of covenant participation in the kingdom.  As we approached finalization of the adoption process we asked the lawyer who was handling all the legal paperwork what exactly was the legal standing of our children after the adoption was finalized.  His answer was terse and pointed:  they have all the same rights and privileges as your other children.  There is no difference between our adopted children and our biological children.  In other words, our adopted children have full, complete access to our "kingdom".  Everything!  They are now heirs and joint-heirs to all that is in our estate and kingdom.

That's the good news.  Now here's the sad: they haven't got the slightest clue what that means!  Our adopted children don't understand anything about our kingdom and fail to recognize that if they are playing by our rules and handling the inheritance well, they will have full run of the kingdom.  Now look at parallel process.  How many times have we missed out on blessings and provisions that our Father would like to send our way because we weren't following the rules or mishandling those things that he has given us?  Remember the words of Jesus "if you are faithful in the small things and you'll get the larger (Luke 16)" and the fact that when we restrict our giving what comes back to us is in restricted form (Malachi 3; Luke 6:37-38)?

The idea of covenant participation in the kingdom recently brought to mind the struggles of Jesus in the garden.  One of our biggest struggles this past year, particularly as it has approached the year mark, is the idea that we are in our middle age and is what we are doing going to make any difference.  It is an agonizing thought when we have these moments of doubt that says we could very well give up this 15-20 years of good health, relative stability of days, and a low keyed home life for this current time of chaos, loud, animated and time consuming parenting...and for what?  What if the outcome is that they gravitate toward the lifestyle from whence they came?  What if they return to the life where disarray rules the day?  

It is often presented that Jesus' struggle that produced the sweat of blood was the result of his cruel, barbaric death that would happen the next day.  We always thought the struggle was coming to grips with dying.  However, we now have a different understanding of the agony of the garden.  What if Jesus, for just a minute, saw me in my worst moment...that moment when I was disconnected, self-serving, rebellious, defiant and unwilling to listen and He asked Himself a simple question...what if I do all this and it doesn't make any difference?  What if I take the stripes on my back for his healing and he doesn't accept it?  What if I am scourged for their deliverance and they don't receive it?  What if I die unjustly for every single sin, just so they can walk, talk and even laugh with My Father in Heaven and they won't believe it?  Is what I'm doing going to make any difference at all?!  We believe that was an agonizing thought.  So much so that it generated a conflict inside of Jesus so great that He began to sweat the drops of blood.  But here's the great part:  He did it anyway!  It was a demonstration of love that blows our mind and it parallels our calling as parents...we have resolved the issue in one domain (our spiritual adoption) and are applying to the other (our natural adoption)!

Until we talk again...

Russell & Karen Thomas

Family Moments

To say that welcoming and assimilating four children, all under the age of 8 into our home at one time has been an adjustment, is like saying that a hurricane is a little windy: it just doesn't capture the magnitude of the event!   As many of you know from our previous blogs, not every day has been filled with the ecstatic, euphoric and warm fuzzy feelings that one hopes to feel often and intensely in your family.  But recently, we got one of those moments.  A rare, we're-all-in-this-together, family event.  And just what was this special moment?  Jonah, the 2 year old, used the potty for the first time!  It was a momentous occasion as all seven of us gathered in the smallest room in our house.  There, in that 5x6 bathroom, the little fellow kept us spellbound for a period of time much longer than should have ever been the case.  Let's break it down for a minute.

 

The event all began within the context of usual bedtime routine.  This is that time each evening when dinner is out of the way and kids are generally doing anything and everything to avoid going to bed.  The boys streak through the house, requiring multiple prompts to put on their PJs while bigger sister wanders aimlessly from room to room trying to instigate play amongst the troops.  Mom and Dad are barking out orders and directives like a drill sargent, while Jeffrey tends to avoid the entire chaotic scene by immercing himself in his XBox games.  But this night was destined to be different.  In the middle of the usual pandemonium comes an excited little voice proclaiming "Potty, mommy, potty!"  Ah, music to a mom's ears!  Parents wait countless days for such words as  family resources are poured into seemingly endless supplies of diapers and pull ups!  Its amazing the joy that one feels over that one simple word "potty" uttered by a toddler clutching his crotch firmly with both hands while in desparate need!

 

But that one word set us in immediate motion.  It was like a warning sirene going off on the deck of the USS Nemesis!  "All hands on Deck!  All hands on Deck!  The two year old is going to the potty!"  Ah-uuuu-Ga!  Ah-uuu-Ga!   Mom immediately grabbed Jonah by the hand and sprinted to the bathroom  while busily instructing patience to a 2 year old and trying to wrestle his diaper to the ankles in haste.  By this time, the news that Jonah was being fitted for seating on the upstairs throne spread throughout the ranks and in a flash the entire rank-and-file had gathered in the tiny bathroom.  All 7 of us!

 

Jonah was hoisted to the throne where he commanded the attention of the entire family.  But was it for real or just another delay in going to bed?  The red-face, the puffed cheeks and the various grunts and moans were dead giveaways that this little fellow meant business.  This was a determined effort to produce while under the pressure of skeptical siblings who were not yet convinced that he was indeed going to use the potty.  "Are you sure, Mom?" Justice quipped.  "I don't know Mom.  I don't see anything", Judah stated as he squirmed around the backside of the toilet hoping to get a better angle.  "Come on man, you can do it!" came the admonitions of Jeffrey who at this point had assumed the role as head cheerleader in this momentus occasion.  At this point, the entire crowd followed Jeffrey's lead, breaking out in variety of cheers and chants, spurring the young tyke on to greater heights.

 

"He did it!" Mom announced!  Judah, peering down the dorsal view, confirmed the sighting.  It was one solitary rabbit-sized pellet floating proudly in roughly 3 gallons of water as the crowd now broke out in cheers and high fives!  "See if you can do another one, Jonah!" Judah shouted!  Jaden jumped into dad's arms laughing and for a moment, sharing in his brother's acheivements.  While that was as productive as Jonah could get, we nevertheless broke out in a chorus of  Luther Vandross' "One Shining Moment" and rehearsed the entire event for the next 30 minutes.  Bedtime was now shot and it took us an hour and half to get things back under control.  But, for that one shining moment, all the frustrations, fears, quirks and questions about our new children faded into that wonderful experience known as ...family!  Its the experience defined by being together in close quarters, cheering on one of the gang on who is struggling, rejoicing in another's acheivement and sharing the joy of being together.  All we can say is that it is the strangest things that bind us together!...

 

Russell (taking credit ...or blame, for the post) and Karen Thomas  

Words For A Child's Life

A child's life is a blank page. 

What will the first words be? 

Shut up! 

Get out of my sight. 

Go play. 

Don't touch! 

You, that child's parent, write upon 

These words teach fear. 

They register unwantedness. 

They say, "I don't love you." 

Let your words teach gentleness and beauty. 

Let them supply high moral principles, 

courage to meet life's disappointments, 

pride in a job well done. 

Use words that reflect your love: 

Beautiful, son! 

You did a great job. 

Don't worry--we'll clean it up together. 

I'm so proud of you!

 

When your child is grown, you will look at him 

and see the words you wrote on that blank page. 

Write words you will be proud of!

Author Unknown

There is one universal truth in this world:  your words will determine the future.  I am told that in every major religion in the world there is something in their teaching that reflects this principle.  In Christianity, it is a central and essential life giving principle.  God spoke the word and the world was created.  Moses spoke the word and the Red Sea split, saving the Hebrew nation from certain annihilation.  Jesus spoke the word and the centurion’s servant was healed.  Paul turned and looked deep into the eyes of a tormented lady and spoke the word and her tormentors fled abruptly.  Later, in Romans 4:17 he tips his hand, telling us he got the idea from God, for “He gives life to those things that are dead, and calls those things that are not as though they were.”

In parenting, the truth about your words and how they shape the life of another human being is paramount.  Early in our parental careers we read an excellent book by John Trent and Gary Smalley called The Blessing.  What is remembered about that book is the concept of painting “word pictures” for your children.  The idea is to speak words of blessing over them in the form of a picture of their life.  Its an awesome thought that a child’s destiny is so colossally determined by the words that they absorb so early in life.  Where does a child get the idea that he is worth something in this world?  Where does she gain the understanding that she does not have to compromise her standards in order to gain acceptance?  Conversely, where does the child learn that he will never amount to much in this world?  Where in the world did a 5 year old get the idea that he’s a holy terror (or unholy!) and an unwanted addition to the family?

Who writes these messages on a child’s hearts?  Obviously, parents get first shot at it.  Me, you and every parent in this world will speak into their child’s life.  Will the child hear the sounds and voice inflections of acceptance?  Or will it be words of rejection and that their life is one of intrusion and hardship?  Its an awesome responsibility, perhaps the most awesome responsibility in the whole world.  But even more, it’s the most awesome privilege in the whole world to think that God Himself, has trusted us enough to place such a powerful tool, not in our hands, but in our mouth!

But who else writes these messages on a child’s heart?  Over the years we have been so aware of the words spoken to our children and have guarded their hearts from words that could have caused destruction.  As parents, we took this principle of the spoken word very seriously.  We have made tough, sometimes unpopular decisions to not leave them in children’s church, remove them from classrooms, and not visit some of their friends’ homes because we were wary of the messages they would receive while there.  We made sure that those who were writing on our children’s hearts would be speaking words we knew would be productive and help them grow.

And what was the fruit of our efforts?  We now have the advantage of hindsight as 4 of our children have hit their 20’s and see them acting on those words that have been etched on their hearts for years.  In short and without squawking our pride too much, our older children are solid, love God, respect themselves and others, and contribute much to the Kingdom of God and society.  Their lives were no accident.  They were spoken in profound, positive prophetic ways from day 1…and we aggressively and unapologetically did everything we could to protect them from others who add negative, ungodly words to their cerebral processes!

We’re in month 5 now with our 4 new children.  Its amazing the scripts that have already been written on their hearts and minds, even down to the 2 year old.  Many of the words have been quite toxic and have generated significant hurt and disappointment.  But, like a spring flower blossoming after a good soaking rain we have noticed that our new children respond to kind words, words of affirmation and reassurance, and a lexicon of acceptance and love.  They begin to open up, hearts are merry, and emotions are healed as they leap (sometimes literally) with joy and excitement.  It saddens us that 463,000 children are currently involved in the Foster Care system in the United States alone, about a third of which are available for adoption.  Who is writing words on their hearts?  Is it staff that are going home at 5:00 sharp?  Is it the social worker?  Or maybe the parents that failed to provide basic nurturing in the first place?  Or is it the kids at school who can be so “innocently” ruthless on the kid living in a decent home, not to mention “the kid living in the shelter”?  Or even worse, maybe it’s the 15 year old who’s also in Foster Care, who projects his or her lifetime of hurt and negative words onto the 6 year old housemate!  Oh if people only realized the damage they can do with their words! And what a difference can be made with the right words.

Our task now is to rewrite those negative words and give these four children a positive, healthy future. The kind of future God intended for them from the beginning. What words can you speak in someone’s life today?