I sit down to write this blog today having attempted to do so many times this weekend. To say that our 4 new children have created a new environment around our house is like saying Bill Gates has alot of money...it just doesn't capture the enormity of the situation! Its been a stretch and at my age even stretching can be dangerous! But in the midst of our chaos has been strength, new wisdom, an increase in our communication, and even revelatory moments. I'd like to take a moment and share one of those moments.
Our new children are energetic, cute, lovable and exploratory. Unfortunately, their energy often couples with their lack of understanding of boundaries, limits and respect for each others, creating unique and frequent meltdowns and mini crisis. Their history of neglect and multiple placements lends itself to a plethora of issues including a very limited understanding of limits and boundaries, not to mention, basic issues of trust and safety. I will be writing more as a psychologist on my website in the coming weeks (www.simplesolutions4.com) about some of these issues, but for now, I write as a parent along with Karen in order to describe what its been like to parent these 4 children over the past few weeks.
One of things that I noticed earlier this week was the response or lack thereof our children have to us. We noted a major difference in the response of our 11 year old to us, who we have had since day one, compared to the four children we now have. Our 11 year old responds to us because he understands our love and commitment to him. In other words, we have relationship with him. The other 4 have no experience base with such a relationship. They do not respond to our voice because they do not yet have a safe, secure, trusting relationship with us. God had the same problem with His children when they broke relationship with Him and the result was the Torah, or law. In essence, God was saying "Let me set the standard for behavior; however, it won't be enough. It won't heal your heart and it won't restore you to me." We have expereienced a similar "laying down of the law". It is behavioral management by law, i.e., parenting Old Testament kids...and we know that while it may give some semblence of order in our home, it won't be enough to heal their bruised hearts and calm their deepest anxieties. Old Testament kids understand the law while somebody is looking, but what happens when no one is looking? Is there a heart connected to the father (and mother) that beats with their standards? Do they consider consequences if the law enforcement is not observing them? Of course not! Behavior regresses to a different standard dictated by an inner fear and self-centered desire.
Do understand that these Old Testament kids are not there by their own choosing. Shelters, foster cares, temporary placements, even school, all have their rules. If you're a child going from place to place, you're not learning to love a person, you're simply learning to play by the "house rules". There is no attachment, no loving oversite, no comfort when hurting...just rules to follow. And following rules is everything. It gets you TV time, trips to McDonald's, and maybe an occasional kudo from the case worker...but the deepest need for love, care, attachment and belonging go untouched. The expectation is not for the feeling of inner comfort and security, but simply to stay out of trouble. Anxiety stays at a heightened level, always wondering if you're in good standing or even good enough for the caretakers. Such environments are in crisis management and behavioral containment mode as a way to manage dysfunctional and ineffective behavior. The product is an Old Testament kid.
Let me explain the Old Testament kid further. God has made it abundantly clear to us as humans that His desire for us is relationship, intimacy and fellowship. It was the heart of a father trying to connect with His creation. But then man had this little thing called "free will" and consistently chose to disobey and break that fellowship. The result was the passing down of the law that included animal sacrifices and all kinds of mandates. Man uses these things in an attempt to manage behavior and the result is religion characterized by laws, inability to measure up, and a notable lack of heart connection.
But God's heart didn't give up. He had a plan to bridge this gap. Its a sacrifice that doesn't just attempt to manage behavior so that we are good people, but a plan to pierce the heart and restore the wounded heart to Him. A plan to institute relationship that scratches the deepest itch of need...the need to connect, feel safe, secure and belong. A need for a selfless love that empties out safety into the emotional tanks of its recepient. Needs that somebody is fully invested in your best interest and welfare. What greater demonstration of that investment than to die for another? It was that kind of act that restored it all. Now behavior is motivated by love and respect, not mandated by law. It is the creation of New Testament sons and daughters. Anybody can be a kid. You only need be born and exist with breath in your body. But a son or a daughter, now that's a different story. A son or a daughter is identified by the parents that love them and the family in which they grow. A son or daughter carries the brand of the family, otherwise known as the family name, which tells them that they are loved and belong. A son or a daughter is known by the mother and/or father that tuck them in at night and provide a loving environment in which for them to reach their full potential.
The cry of the orphan, the cry of every child who has gone without parents or been neglected, is not for law, but for love. It is not just a mandate or restriction on behavior, but a healing of the bruised and insulated heart that once healed, generates a different kind of behavior. That only comes through New Testament son and daughership made possible through relationship. Our task is to transition Old Testament kids into New Testament sons and daughters.
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