Update on Bringing Our New Kids Home!

So here we are.  24 Hours away from beginning the process to meet our kids and bring them home with us. Leaving the farm behind is stressful but knowing our police officer son will be here to house and animal sit while we're gone is comforting.  Anxiety mounts, but its a good anxiety...at least most of it.  Will our new children like us or will they be disappointed?  Will they take to us quickly or will it take a while to capture them?  What will our other young children think?  What will they do?  What is going through their little minds as they watch 2 other children being grafted into our family?

While it is difficult at times to determine what our 3 youngest boys are thinking, I think its safe to say they are both excited and nervous.  True to their history, they handle emotional stimulation with regressive behavior.  All kinds of things are popping up this week that we haven't had to deal with much over the past 6 months.  This is somewhat predictable and it is why we knew that we could not travel to meet our new children and not take them with us.  It would have ignited their worst fears in life and we simply could not do that to them.

In spite of the increased anxiety, the boys have also shown amazing resiliency and compassion for our new children.  Each evening at the dinner table they ask "when do we leave to get our new kids?"   They are genuinely excited and this adoption has served to help them expand their worlds beyond themselves in order to think of others.  We are proud of the progress our boys have made and especially proud of the acceptance that they have already demonstrated for our new children.

We can't fathom how little children comprehend how this works. It is so unnatural for kids not to have a home and family from the start and to see them getting excited about getting a family or adding to our family in this way is still so strange. We are glad that they are excited, it is just amazing that they can come to any kind of understanding in their little minds about it. To our boys, families just add more people/children at different times and to them "getting" these two is normal. They are not phased by that part at all. They are definitely more excited than anything.

I think there is a spiritual lesson here.  When one is born into God's kingdom, isn't one of the things that He asks of us is that we share His love and good news with others?   In other words, think of somebody else long enough to help them in life?

That's where we are today.  We wait expecting, excited and, yes, anxiously for the rest of God's provision, which as of today is $5,000.  We continually remind ourselves to not get sidetracked by what we see in the natural and re-focus on what we see in our mind and spirit's eye...and we break out all over again with thanks and gratitude to be a part of something so special as to take care of His little ones!  We are reminded of Pillar 12 (see my book, 12 Pillars & a Prayer) and we join with the Apostle Paul in "being anxious for nothing, but by prayers and petitions, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God...and His peace will guard your hearts and minds" (Philippians 4:4-8).

You can go to www.simplesolutions4.com and scroll down to donate to help us bring our 2 children home!

Smooth Sailing or Walking on Water?

Anyone who has followed our blog for awhile will know that it is no secret we have had struggles in our adoption process. some may even think we are crazy to do what we have done. There have been times that we might have agreed with you. However, when God calls you to do something it isn't always easy and it doesn't always work out like you planned. We have learned this over and over and all we can do is keep moving forward. We have also learned so much about God through this process and how much He loves us and is with us all the way through all the struggles.

As most of you know, in 2010 we adopted 3 severely neglected children, ages 2, 3 & 4 at the time.  It has been the ride of our life!...absolutely one of the most challenging things we've ever done and at the same time absolutely one of the most meaningful things God has ever asked us to do!

Our boys are flourishing now and just when we thought we had smooth sailing, God has again called us get out of the boat and provide a home for 2 special needs children, ages 2 & 3. There are prominent medical needs involved secondary to severe neglect, starvation and hypoxia (the 2 year old literally starved to death but was revived).  

The only piece of the puzzle left now is the funding.  At this time, we still need to raise $10,000.  We should be nervous but we're not!  We are confident that God is calling us and believe that He will provide. We are keeping our eyes on Jesus and walking on water to meet Him.

He asked were we willing? and we put our Yes! on the table. He has challenged us to abandon ourselves to faith & trust that the need would be met.  We are simply to put our need out there to various groups, churches and individuals.  We believe somewhere in this process is a miracle of provision on behalf of these 2 little children.  

We are asking you be a part of helping us raise these funds by praying for us, donating if you desire and sending this need on to others? We only have one week to do this!  

We should be nervous...but strangely we're not.  There is a deep overwhelming peace and excitement that somehow goes beyond our circumstances.  It is a special time.  Never before has our faith been so tested and so much "blind trust" required.  It is a strange feeling knowing that you're doing everything you can but understanding that no matter what we do its not enough.  We must have something bigger, something greater, something supernatural operating in order to give these 2 children the home they deserve.  And somehow we understand that this is not about us.  And Its not just about the 2 children getting a home.  There are others at stake here too.  We believe that others will not only participate in our adoption process and be blessed, but that still others will step up and say "well if the Thomas' can do it, we can do it too".  We know not everyone is called to adopt. We are all called to take care of widows and orphans. James 1:27 but that doesn't mean that everyone is called to parent an orphan. It may that be that you are called to help others adopt, or serve and support missions to orphans. There are so many ways to serve God and we all are in this together. It is to this end that we recognize that this is not our adoption.  It has the feel of something bigger than us.  I've always heard that everybody needs a "why" in life in order to motivate them.  Ours is coming into focus. 

We have 2 ways set up for people to get involved with these children's future. First, people can go to www.simplesolutions4.com and scroll down on the home page to the donate button.  Second, people can go to http://www.gofundme.com/air1K4 and donate. Both sites are secure. I'd like to thank you in advance for any help, prayers, donations and ask that you please pass this one to anyone that you may think is appropriate. 

Looking for Answers in the Easy Places

 

This morning I heard my wife comment in the other room followed by a couple of emails she forwarded to me.  Both were CNN breaking news feeds that read as follows:

The new search area for Flight 370 is hundreds of miles closer to the Australian coast, which will give planes more time to spend over the area, an Australian official says. Planes may also encounter better weather there than in the previous search area.

and

Aircraft first arrived at the new search area Friday, an Australian official said. So far, authorities have not found anything they would classify as debris, he said.

After reading the 2 emails,  It brought to mind the story about the boy who was frantically looking for something behind the family home.  It was late at night and the boy was down on all fours, brushing his hands back and forth in the grass and near the point of tears when his father came looking for him only to find him in their back yard. 

“What are you doing, son?” the father asked.

The boy replied, “I’m looking for my watch” to which the father inquired further, “Where did you last see it?”

“In the front yard!” he quickly responded.  Puzzled by his son’s response, the father ventured again, “Then why in the world are you looking in the backyard for the watch?”

Slightly annoyed and obviously distressed the boy responded without hesitation “Because that is where the light is!”

The CNN news search struck me as similar logic.  While I’m sure there is more to the story, it reads as if the search was moved to a new location because the weather was better there!  Of course the follow up news released indicated that the search team had come up empty! 

What really strikes me about this story is in the details.  How many times do we “look for answers in the easiest place to look”?  For example children...

Ø 

        Why do they continue to do the things we’ve asked them not to do even after we’ve preached this     sermon over a 1000 times? 

Ø  Why do they ask for the very thing that wasnt offered?  

Ø  Why do they lie about insignificant things? 

Ø  Why do they terrorize the other kids in sunday school?

Its easy to search in the comfortable places…

Ø  They’re oppositional…

Ø  they’re defiant,

Ø  they’re ungrateful,

Ø  they’re detached…

 

But searching for debris in the comfortable places doesn’t pay off very well.  The search must move to the uncomfortable places…in such places the search team is pushed to discover the truth.  The secrets of the soul are not easily discovered and healing is never found in the label.  It requires something of a sacrifice from the search team and in the case of a child’s heart parents are that search team.  And if we’re talking about children who have been grafted into the family it’s difficult to know where the plane went down!  The search begins with asking a different set of questions.  If it’s not defiance, then what is it?  If it’s not detachment, then what?  What is my child feeling when he abandons all logic and consequence to do his/her own thing?

Recently, I had an interesting meeting with a young man.  During our meeting he began to tell me that his father abandoned the family when he was 6.  Literally, his dad went to the grocery store and never came back!  The young man tearfully recounted what it was like for him and that he now can relate to kids because he “knows what it feels like”.  I stopped him at that point and asked a pointed question, “So what does it feel like?”

I sat there for a moment and as tears welled up in his eyes.  He then looked me in the eyes and said “FEAR!  I was all alone and figured that I had to take care of myself…nobody was going to be there for me!” 

What had been an academic-like meeting suddenly became a sobering moment filled with emotion, as I got a glimpse of the injury in his soul.  His story represents the heart of too many teens and children who carry the burden of their own survival.  We get caught up on the opposition and disobedience because after all, the weather is safer there.  To search elsewhere requires that we fly headlong into the storm while suspending our need for comfort and/or realize that our intense desire for reciprocal love may not be realized…at least not right now.  The search requires that we keep trying to attach with no guarantees that it will ever happen. 

Granted, it is easier to search where the weather is good.  Otherwise I am forced to admit that this unconditional love thing is very hard.  I am confronted with the reality that on my own, I am inept at this “laying down my life thing” in order for my child to thrive and feel the warm embrace and security of love. 

So how do you look in the right places even though the weather there is terrible, maybe even treacherous?  I know of only one model for doing so.  Its found in these words, “Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who…made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant…He humbled Himself and became obedient…” (Phillipians 2:5-8).  The model also teaches that “while we were yet sinners, He died for us”…which translated means that while we were doing all that crazy stuff to try to hide our fears, He still loved!  And there’s the model.  The denial of one’s own self in order that others may prosper.  It’s the right place to search.  Its not as comfortable as where blue skies prevail or street lights shine into a frightening darkness…but then there are no plane parts or watches to be found in those places and there are no children to be saved from their fears there either.

Understanding Adoptive Parents

As we have previously written, our experience parenting children that we have adopted has brought with it many surprises, challenges and yes, its bizarre moments!  

One of the things that we’ve noticed over the past few years is how the entire adoptive experience has had an isolating effect on us.  If we would have had a nickel for every time we’ve looked at each other and said, “they [meaning friends and even family] just don’t understand” our financial status would be dramatically altered!  

One thing we admit is that it is hard to talk to about these things.  There have been those who tried.  It often feels like others are wondering if we’ve lost our minds, not to mention our parental touch.  Attempts by those around us to help us out by saying something that they think is either instructive or inspirational often seem shallow or even worse, judgmental and condemning.  Admittedly, it’s a tough line to walk.  I’m not sure I could say something all that wise to me if I were in my friends’ shoes! 

So that’s why we’re posting these links!  We came across several other blogs recently that say it all and to be honest really make us feel like we are not alone and there are people out there that do understand. There really are people out there that are living the life we are living to some degree or another. We are thankful for these posts that have encouraged us and spoken to our heart. We hope you will enjoy them as well.

This blog tells it all, exactly what we feel and experience daily. We are not saints but Warriors fighting for these children and all children who need homes and families. Please click on the following link: http://sherific.blogspot.com/2013/11/adoption-month.html?m=1

This blog explains so much truth about special needs adoption and although our boys are not diagnosed with any physical special needs they do, in fact, have very special needs. The impact of loss, abandonment and neglect took its toll on our boys and the result is that our family has a very difficult time doing even simple, perfunctory activities like driving 30 minutes to eat out or an hour and a half to visit family. Such routine events result in chaos, destruction of property and frustration that even Mother Teresa would have a difficult time managing! The result is a feeling of isolation and even though this has been one of the hardest things we have ever done, we wouldn't change a thing. It has also been one of the most rewarding things we have done and in spite of our struggles we feel totally blessed to have our boys. Please click on the following link: http://www.ellenstumbo.com/are-special-needs-families-isolated-by-erin-loraine/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+EllenStumbo+%28Ellen+Stumbo%29

This blog offers a nice mix of humor and truth.  It is a list of the 10 things that you don’t say to adoptive parents.  Please click on the following link: http://africatoamerica.org/2014/01/24/ten-things-not-to-say-to-adoptive-parents/.  My favorite part was the 7 things to say to an adoptive parent. So true and encouraging. Lets all try to say some of these things to the families you know that are adopting or have adopted.

We are truly not offended by others attempts to encourage us.  In fact, we’ve said a lot of the same things to others too.  We recognize that ours is a unique and difficult situation and we are eternally grateful for friends and family like you that have stood with us and encouraged us!  With that said, enjoy and we’ll talk again soon…

Taking Care of What Has Been Given to You: Parenting Adult Children

I pray for them. I do not pray for the world

but for those whom You have given Me, for they are Yours.

While I was with them in the world, I kept them in Your name.

Those whom You gave Me I have kept; and none of them is lost

 

 John 17:9,12

 

Our Warrior Arrows blog was created to talk about our experience with adoption and parenting our adopted children. But as time has gone by and the boys are assimilating into our family and hearts, we find ourselves speaking more as simply parents.  The past 2 and a half years with our “grafted” sons have been the experience of a lifetime.  On one hand its the most difficult thing we’ve ever done, while on the other, its one of the most meaningful things we’ve ever done in life. But today, we write about our other children.  The ones that are now adults.  We want to share some of our heart as parents of adult children.    

The article begins as an afterthought to a recent conversation I had with a colleague at work about our experience as fathers.  The crux of his comments was something along the lines of when his children were young he felt the responsibility of fatherhood, but now that they are adults, he can relax and be more of a spectator in their lives.  I responded that “to my adult children, I feel more responsibility now than ever to parent them”!  I went on to explain that I felt more responsibility to make good decisions in life in order that my children may have a good path to follow and that someday, they will inherit not only an estate, but a legacy of decision making they observed in every one of mine and Karen’s deeds, enterprises and relationships in life.  I spoke of how some of my older children are currently facing health challenges, financial pressures and career choices, and how, as a parents, we bear every single one of our children’s challenges in life. While my colleague smiled and agreed with me, the look on his face said otherwise.  I’m not sure that he understood what I was saying.  Perhaps I can explain now what its like for Karen & I to parent adult children.

You see, its easy to have faith when everyone has perfect health.  Its easy to preach The Blessing of Deuteronomy 28, i.e., “God will grant you abundant prosperity…” when you have a good, well-paying job.  And its easy to worship when your young children are living safely in your shadows.  But now, as adult children, they have grown up problems.  You know what they are because you’ve been there.  The game has changed.  God is more than a concept or a mystical being conjured up to somehow pacify your fears when the lightning cracks next to the bedroom window in the midst of a fierce thunder storm.  This is real life and we knew how tough it could be at times.  We worked hard at creating a culture at home that sheltered our kids from the harsher parts of life.  But it’s time.  Their time!  Like my friend, we wish it was as easy as “well now they are 18 and on their own and I’ve done my part …” as if this inevitable life maturation somehow absolves us of any further parental responsibilities.  But its not that easy.  Not for us anyway.  We want to fix everything.  That’s what we do in life.  That’s what parents do.  Fix it…Kiss it…there, its all better and life is good again!   However, life is now chiseling out its next champion of faith and we have different roles.  Not less important or free from responsibility, but different. 

The different role contains several desires.  There is a desire to continue to protect our children.  We still don’t want them hanging out with questionable characters and the desire to clean off skinned knees doesn’t subside.  I suspect this desire to protect your children is the root cause of many an adult child and parental conflict, i.e., parents trying to control how their children will live their lives.  It’s a delicate balance between constructive input and destructive denial of their adult responsibility to choose a meaningful path.

Then there is a desire to fix our children’s lives, particularly the parts that are a source of distress or pain for them. It’s a real struggle for a parent when an adult child becomes sick or they are laid off from their job or they can’t find a way to get to their next step in life.  The parental impulse is to jump in and fix it but its more like running a race with your feet tied together!  Make the greasy haired, foul-mouthed, agnostic, mess of a kid stay away from your teenage son or daughter!  But now the rules are different.  Different because the greasy haired agnostic grew up, became an atheist and is your son’s supervisor!  The situation is more complex and requires a different response from you as a parent.  Its not just “go away” or “because I said so” or “hey, I pay the bills around here”.  No.  This requires a more sophisticated form of protection that is firmly based in life principles, core values, and Godly wisdom.  It is the response of a seasoned parent.

Finally, the role of parenting adult children is characterized by friendship.  There I said it.  We want to be our children’s best friends.  We want them to trust our counsel.  We want them to have confidence in our life decisions.  We want them to maintain that “my dad can fix anything” and “mom always knows best” attitude even though such a thought is laughable and irrational.

How the Trinity works is a bit of a mystery to me.  I get the basic idea and Jesus certainly expressed more than once that He and the Father where One.  As such, Jesus knew the heart of a parent.  The words found in John 17 are an example.  The words express what its like to be the parents of an adult child.  Paraphrased, Jesus was saying that He looked after them right up to the end; that those given into His care continued in His care beyond the crib, beyond toddlerhood and adolescence and into full maturation as adult believers.  You can feel both His connection and sense of responsibility that He feels when He says:  those whom You have given me, not one of them is lost!  This, my friends, is the heart of a parent! It doesn’t stop when they stop living under your roof, but rather, when you breath your last.  And at that moment the pride of every parent is to say the same thing that Jesus said:  Father, I’m coming home.  I took care of those that You gave me right up to the very end…and not one of them is lost!

Until we speak again, look after the ones that He has given you and count yourself among the most fortunate to do so…

Bunk Room

Since adding the boys into our family we have done a lot of rearranging in the house. Rearranging bedrooms has been the biggest of changes we have made and we have rearranged numerous times to get just the right fit for everyone. Space is not a problem. We could put everyone in their own room but that hasnt been the best option. We have tried individual rooms, and different combinations of pairing up and finally we came to our current set up and it has been wonderful.

In the beginning this room was inspired by Pinterest. I kept seeing bunk rooms and they were so cute. We had two sets of bunk/twin beds in different rooms so to move everyone in the same room for sleeping was not that big of a risk. The joke around our house is Karen shows Russell a picture and he makes it. It works out very nicely. So I got the picture and he began working on it.

We chose a room to make into our bunk room. This room would be for sleeping and clothes. Another room will be the play room with all the toys. The first task was to paint the room. I began that while Russell began the construction of the bunk bed frames.

This room has a chimney going up through it makes  a strange little box area in the middle of the main wall so we had to build around that. The over all size of the room is about 13 x 17 ft. It just so happened that the beds fit perfectly on either side of the extension.

Then we painted the beds to match the walls to create a built in feeling.

The boys love the bunk room! Everyone has their own bed and there are no distractions during the night. Everyone sleeps much better together and then there is the  play room for all the playing. That will be another post coming soon.

Sibling Rivalry

So this morning I'm minding my own business, enjoying a little quiet time and reading from the Good Book when I come across a scripture in John 21 that makes me laugh.  Now I don't often see scripture as a discourse in comedy, but I couldn't help myself this morning.  The dynamic was all too familiar.  This exchange records the 3rd time He has appeared to someone since His resurrection from the dead.  He is having a nice little conversation with Peter on the seashore.  Just the 2 of them strolling down the coastline enjoying a special little one-on-one friendship time that Peter must have found infinitely rewarding when he notices something.  "The disciple whom Jesus loved" is following along behind them.  Its a real Raymond and Robert moment if you know what I mean (think Everybody Loves Raymond).

Now understand that Jesus had just encouraged Peter to take the lead, me "the man", feed the sheep, garner the troops...well, you get the idea.  But when Peter catches a glimpse of this disciple... whom Jesus loved...following along looking all the world like he was trying to crowd in on his private time with the risen Savior, he can't help himself.  Peter knows better than to question the disciple's right to be there or on a more primative level, even exist.  After all, he had seen Jesus in action and was aware that one of His most defining mantras was "let them come".  So in that moment, filled with what I suspect was irritation, Peter blurts out, "Well what about this guy, Jesus?  What's in it for him?"  (paraphrased by me...you might want to read it for yourself at John 21:21!).  I close my eyes and hear the words of Robert as he concedes in his dejection, "everybody loves Raymond"!  

And Jesus' reply?  

"If I want him to live to remain until I come, what is that to you?"  I think another translation here would be something like:  "Whatever Peter!  If I say he lives until I come back, that's nunya!... none-of-your-business!"  

It was a classical moment!  A vintage sibling rivalry moment!  It struck me as funny because we've had this same moment with our boys...so, so many times!

• “Don’t worry about what your brother is wearing!  Just worry about what you have on!"
• “Don’t worry about what your brother got for his birthday!  You play with your toys and be happy for him!”
• “Don’t worry about what he’s got on his plate!  You eat what’s on yours!”  
• "You are not your brother's keeper.  Just mind your own business!"
• "What is that to you if he got a piggyback ride!"

I suppose that foolishness is bound in the heart of a child and only through considerable effort and discipline is it tamed. Jesus had to deal with it and so have we…hundreds of times!  Its immature, its misguided, its aggravating and its selfishness in its rawest form…but its life and intricately wound up in the heart of a boy or girl, man or woman.  Its called, “who’s getting what?” and “hey, I got the short end of the stick!”  Its more that just petty jealousy or simple selfishness. The issue stems from a fear that I will not have what I need and an anxiety that I will not be taken care of.  It is a basic question that each of us must answer:  do we really believe that our Father in Heaven will provide for us, on a personal, intimate level, what we need and do so in abundance as He promised to do? (see Jesus' other words earlier in the book of John, chapter 10 verse 10).  

The good news is that our boys are learning and so do we as sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father.  So until we talk again...hey Lord, I saw a brand new BMW in front of John's house...!