SUMMARY OF 2015

I wanted to share a few thoughts as we shut the books on 2015.  I have heard many of us (both in the family and our friends) say that 2015 was a rough year and they are glad to get through it.  I have to admit, I have had similar feelings.  2015 will go down in the annals of odd.  Words like excitement, disappointment, faith, doubt, loving embrace, emptiness…I could go on but all these words describe 2015.  We've noticed several people posting to their facebook pages in recent days how that 2015 was a difficult year.  It was not all bad. Rather, the good somehow seemed to be constantly followed by the bad.  

It was a real paradox and particularly so for those of us who live by faith.  After getting excited about adding 2 little ones to our clan this year it all came to a grinding halt in February and it didn't happen.  Some would say it was for the best but our emotions didn't necessarily agree.  Excitement followed by disappointment.  We continue to wonder about that one.  

We made 2 wonderful additions to our family this year via marriage.  Karen & I labored to prepare for the March wedding only to have a complete gully washer of a day.  I was bent out of shape and disappointed.  Everyone else just seemed to just go with it and that helped me temper my emotions.  And of course, 2015 made us all say goodbye to someone special and whom we miss terribly.  I was 100% convinced, as many of you were, that we wouldn't see that day.  It still makes no sense and can't be explained to satisfaction. Excitement followed by extreme disappointment.  

In 2015 questions have been followed not with answers but invitation.  "Will you trust?" are the words that continuously pound in the deep places within.  Trust, did you say?  It's too risky and the safer way is to look after your own well-being.  But trust is not an attribute, its a choice.  And this isn't some mega church preacher begging for money.  Its not give and you'll get.  Its a personal invitation, issued by a personal God followed by a personal choice.  Its a question whispered quietly in your heart but somehow cuts through all the noise of life and those hyper drive emotions that scream when life is unexplained.

And looking outside of our own little worlds it doesn’t get any better.  "Where are you Lord?" is the tempting prayer of the day.  "Why are your children, literally children, being beheaded, stabbed and raped?"  I read this morning in Revelation 6 the same question.  After the Lamb breaks open the fifth seal and there are those underneath the altar who have been martyred for their faith their question was the same...“How long [i.e., where are you?, i.e., why?]?”  It is our question too.  “How long, Oh, Lord?”  How long will it be until life settles down?  How long will it be before people can just get along?  How long before You fix all this stuff and life stabilizes?  How long will it be before my wounded heart heals and life feels right again?"  

I hate to say it, but the answer is one I don't like:  "they were told to wait a little longer..." So that was 2015!  Wait a little while longer and it will make sense, feel better, and the blessing will flow again.  In the meantime, the times demand a faith, that just like the scripture says, goes well beyond our sight and even our ability to understand.  It is a faith that tries to take it all in but when the dust clears invites us to believe without understanding the full picture.  You can call it good or you can call it bad…and you’d be right!  But in the end, the question doesn’t change.  "Will we trust?" 

I thank God everyday for each and everyone of you.  I pray for each of you often that you'd be blessed beyond your wildest dreams.  Say what you will, but 2015 brought us all closer to each other and that goes a long way to calming the inward parts that are uncertain.  My prayer is that we will continue to draw from one another's strengths and press on to those things that God has placed in our hearts to do.  Our strength is in our unity and our ability to encourage one another.  And lest I be accused of preaching now, I will stop there and say goodbye to 2015 and we look forward to great things in 2016!

WILL YOU TRUST ME?

Since Karen & I adopted our boys in 2010, we have become keenly aware of the core of God's heart and love that He expresses through adoption.  After all, when it comes to the Kingdom of Heaven, we all got grafted in! (see Romans 8).   So many times now as I read scripture, I see the miracle of adoption playing out.  Today, I noticed something.  In Matthew 21, The Complete Jewish Bible uses the word trust where all my life I have heard the word faith...if you have faith you can ask what you will vs. you can ask what you will provided you have trust (vs 21).  This seems to put a slightly different slant on the deal.  It moves it from a much broader concept of faith to a much more relational idea of trust.  I can't always wrap my cerebral processes around the notion of faith but now trust is a different story.  We are confronted with this issue virtually every day.  Who can be trusted?  Can we trust what our clients are telling us or what the preacher is saying or the government or the media?  Recently, while watching a post-game interview with a well-known college basketball coach, I was surprised when the commentator asked him what was the most important thing to instill in his players.  Without hesitation he replied, "Trust!"  The issue of trust is all around us and it is a relationship issue.

In Matthew 21, Jesus' words challenge a man or woman with a somewhat camouflaged message, “Do you trust me?”  Its a question that takes me to the single most important issue with of our adopted children.  We have asked the question constantly for the past 4 years:  will you trust us?  Unfortunately, our children came to us trusting no one but themselves.  If you've ever adopted my guess is the light bulb just came on and I've caught your attention.  You know what I'm talking about and you're near-desperate to see if I have any answers.  It is amazing how quickly a child learns that the world is not worthy of their trust.  It is equally amazing how deeply this belief resides within the thought processes and behavior of these children. 

“I must take care of myself” is more than an idea, it is a mandate that is seared into the mind and heart designed to insulate against all meaningful attachments to others.  And by meaningful I mean “in any type of trusting way”.  Positive attachment is built on trust and without it relationships are simply a way to get what I want in this world.  Never mind consequences because after all, relationships only exist to give me what I want. 

But trust is a much bigger problem that strikes at the very essence of relationships including our relationship with God.  To not trust sends us on our way to do our own thing… “misbehave” if you will.  It leads to sin which is, in essence, man’s way of saying “I’ll do it my way”.  The process reminds me of our experience with our grafted children and many stories that I have read about others who have adopted.  Jesus understood this dynamic well.  His teaching in Matthew 21 is easily misunderstood as an invitation to make out your "Christmas list", give it to the Man Upstairs and presto, you got the instant gratification!  But when it doesn’t happen as we thought it should, we conclude that God is not listening and even worse, cannot be trusted.  A second look at Jesus’ words here suggests that it’s the other way around…the trust comes first!  Ohhhhhhhh! ...

• I’ve got to trust before I ask?  
• I've got to trust before I attach!  
• I've got to trust before I receive!  

Jesus offers these words as an invitation to ask but that was only a smoke screen for the real issue:  Will you trust?  Make no mistake about it, Jesus caught our attention with the "and you will receive everything you ask" part.  But then, attention isn’t really what he was looking for …Will you trust when you ask?  

For the past 4 years Karen & I have been asking our children the same question.  They came to us with this not-so-little voice screaming in their heads...

“No!  I will not!  Adults, parents, people are not to be trusted!  I am in this thing for myself!”  

Oh, they don't say it with their words.  They say it when they don't follow house rules that we've gone over with them 40 gazillion times.  They say it when they destroy their toys or property and just like relationships, it doesn't really matter because, well, we'll simply move on to the next one.  They say it when they obsess about, hoard and gorge their food as if they will never be fed again.  Make no mistake about it, Karen and I constantly work to win and establish one simple thing with our grafted children:  trust!  Just like the crowd that was in ear shot of Jesus’ words that day, our younger children are focused on the you will receive everything while missing the "but you must trust" part.  On the surface, its aggravating to feel like you're offering something good over and over and over only to be ignored.  The rejection stings.  But then sometimes it runs through my mind:  I wonder what happened in those days before we got them that generated this level of inability to attach and trust?  Surely therein lies the answer to understanding their overriding skepticism towards everyone in their world.  At other times I retreat to a quiet place where I hear my Heavenly Father whisper in my ear...."I know how you feel, son!"  

Somehow I am strengthened when I realize He was talking about me!  

Until we talk again, I will leave you with this...  

Eden Restored

Today is the 3rd day since we were forced to abandon our trip to the midwest to meet and bring home our new children.  We spent the first day just trying to figure out what just happened and the 2nd day trying to climb back on the horse!  We've now had a chance to rehearse things and a chance to regroup.  And the result?  Climb back on the horse and find a way!  I now want to share with you something from the prophet Ezekiel in chapter 36.  I think there's something here for us.
Ezekiel 36:33-38   Adonai Elohim says, “When the day comes...I will cause the cities to be inhabited and the ruins to be rebuilt.  The land that was desolate will be tilled, whereas formerly it lay desolate for all passing by to see.  Then they will say, “The land that used to be desolate has become like the Garden of Eden, and the cities formerly ruined, abandoned and wasted have been fortified and are inhabited!”  Then the nations around you that remain will know that I, Adonai, have rebuilt the ruins and replanted what was abandoned.  I, Adonai, have spoken; and I will do it!”  ...So will the ruined cities be filled with flocks of people. 
Whenever you feel that God has called you to follow Him and you accept that call, a strange journey will always follow...always!  Certainly Moses got more than he bargained for when the enemy pinned him in at the Red Sea.  Abraham must have been a bit dazed when God was asking him to offer up the promise of a great nation on the altar.  I'm quite sure that the disciples sat there the day of Jesus' crucifixion in something of a mental stupor, questioning the whole deal and wondering why they had given the last 3 years of their life for this outcome.  These are moments of desolation.  They lend themselves to feelings of total abandonment...much like when your stranded on the side of the road in an RV that won't run, 2 little children anticipating meeting their new family and the guy at the dealership says they have no other available replacements and you must cancel your trip!

But look what God says about such things.  At the end of ourselves a beautiful transformation happens.  Its a restoration of Eden.  Things that were ruined, hopes that were abandoned and things that have lost their energy will be inhabited and have new life breathed into them!  But this time its God's life not yours.  It was the Lord’s doing.  He's showing off and demonstrating His great love and compassion towards us.  He's causing the trees to yield fruit and the fields to increase their production, the grains to abound (vs. 29-30) and your sheep to increase (vs. 37)!

What is it that has been ruined in life?  What hopes have been abandoned and have wasted away in their lifeless energy?  The Lord has spoken 4 powerful words:  I WILL DO IT!  So we will go back to square one, await further instructions and abandon ourselves to faith & trust in Him all over again.  What we learned here is that when God calls you to something the most unfruitful question to ask along the journey is "why?" when along the way things don't go like you thought they should.  That one word only leads to an empty, vacuous silence.  The more productive question is "what now?"  It is from this place that you hear all over again the voice of God.

Until we speak again...be blessed!

Understanding Adoptive Parents

As we have previously written, our experience parenting children that we have adopted has brought with it many surprises, challenges and yes, its bizarre moments!  

One of the things that we’ve noticed over the past few years is how the entire adoptive experience has had an isolating effect on us.  If we would have had a nickel for every time we’ve looked at each other and said, “they [meaning friends and even family] just don’t understand” our financial status would be dramatically altered!  

One thing we admit is that it is hard to talk to about these things.  There have been those who tried.  It often feels like others are wondering if we’ve lost our minds, not to mention our parental touch.  Attempts by those around us to help us out by saying something that they think is either instructive or inspirational often seem shallow or even worse, judgmental and condemning.  Admittedly, it’s a tough line to walk.  I’m not sure I could say something all that wise to me if I were in my friends’ shoes! 

So that’s why we’re posting these links!  We came across several other blogs recently that say it all and to be honest really make us feel like we are not alone and there are people out there that do understand. There really are people out there that are living the life we are living to some degree or another. We are thankful for these posts that have encouraged us and spoken to our heart. We hope you will enjoy them as well.

This blog tells it all, exactly what we feel and experience daily. We are not saints but Warriors fighting for these children and all children who need homes and families. Please click on the following link: http://sherific.blogspot.com/2013/11/adoption-month.html?m=1

This blog explains so much truth about special needs adoption and although our boys are not diagnosed with any physical special needs they do, in fact, have very special needs. The impact of loss, abandonment and neglect took its toll on our boys and the result is that our family has a very difficult time doing even simple, perfunctory activities like driving 30 minutes to eat out or an hour and a half to visit family. Such routine events result in chaos, destruction of property and frustration that even Mother Teresa would have a difficult time managing! The result is a feeling of isolation and even though this has been one of the hardest things we have ever done, we wouldn't change a thing. It has also been one of the most rewarding things we have done and in spite of our struggles we feel totally blessed to have our boys. Please click on the following link: http://www.ellenstumbo.com/are-special-needs-families-isolated-by-erin-loraine/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+EllenStumbo+%28Ellen+Stumbo%29

This blog offers a nice mix of humor and truth.  It is a list of the 10 things that you don’t say to adoptive parents.  Please click on the following link: http://africatoamerica.org/2014/01/24/ten-things-not-to-say-to-adoptive-parents/.  My favorite part was the 7 things to say to an adoptive parent. So true and encouraging. Lets all try to say some of these things to the families you know that are adopting or have adopted.

We are truly not offended by others attempts to encourage us.  In fact, we’ve said a lot of the same things to others too.  We recognize that ours is a unique and difficult situation and we are eternally grateful for friends and family like you that have stood with us and encouraged us!  With that said, enjoy and we’ll talk again soon…

Sibling Rivalry

So this morning I'm minding my own business, enjoying a little quiet time and reading from the Good Book when I come across a scripture in John 21 that makes me laugh.  Now I don't often see scripture as a discourse in comedy, but I couldn't help myself this morning.  The dynamic was all too familiar.  This exchange records the 3rd time He has appeared to someone since His resurrection from the dead.  He is having a nice little conversation with Peter on the seashore.  Just the 2 of them strolling down the coastline enjoying a special little one-on-one friendship time that Peter must have found infinitely rewarding when he notices something.  "The disciple whom Jesus loved" is following along behind them.  Its a real Raymond and Robert moment if you know what I mean (think Everybody Loves Raymond).

Now understand that Jesus had just encouraged Peter to take the lead, me "the man", feed the sheep, garner the troops...well, you get the idea.  But when Peter catches a glimpse of this disciple... whom Jesus loved...following along looking all the world like he was trying to crowd in on his private time with the risen Savior, he can't help himself.  Peter knows better than to question the disciple's right to be there or on a more primative level, even exist.  After all, he had seen Jesus in action and was aware that one of His most defining mantras was "let them come".  So in that moment, filled with what I suspect was irritation, Peter blurts out, "Well what about this guy, Jesus?  What's in it for him?"  (paraphrased by me...you might want to read it for yourself at John 21:21!).  I close my eyes and hear the words of Robert as he concedes in his dejection, "everybody loves Raymond"!  

And Jesus' reply?  

"If I want him to live to remain until I come, what is that to you?"  I think another translation here would be something like:  "Whatever Peter!  If I say he lives until I come back, that's nunya!... none-of-your-business!"  

It was a classical moment!  A vintage sibling rivalry moment!  It struck me as funny because we've had this same moment with our boys...so, so many times!

• “Don’t worry about what your brother is wearing!  Just worry about what you have on!"
• “Don’t worry about what your brother got for his birthday!  You play with your toys and be happy for him!”
• “Don’t worry about what he’s got on his plate!  You eat what’s on yours!”  
• "You are not your brother's keeper.  Just mind your own business!"
• "What is that to you if he got a piggyback ride!"

I suppose that foolishness is bound in the heart of a child and only through considerable effort and discipline is it tamed. Jesus had to deal with it and so have we…hundreds of times!  Its immature, its misguided, its aggravating and its selfishness in its rawest form…but its life and intricately wound up in the heart of a boy or girl, man or woman.  Its called, “who’s getting what?” and “hey, I got the short end of the stick!”  Its more that just petty jealousy or simple selfishness. The issue stems from a fear that I will not have what I need and an anxiety that I will not be taken care of.  It is a basic question that each of us must answer:  do we really believe that our Father in Heaven will provide for us, on a personal, intimate level, what we need and do so in abundance as He promised to do? (see Jesus' other words earlier in the book of John, chapter 10 verse 10).  

The good news is that our boys are learning and so do we as sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father.  So until we talk again...hey Lord, I saw a brand new BMW in front of John's house...!