Update on Bringing Our New Kids Home!

So here we are.  24 Hours away from beginning the process to meet our kids and bring them home with us. Leaving the farm behind is stressful but knowing our police officer son will be here to house and animal sit while we're gone is comforting.  Anxiety mounts, but its a good anxiety...at least most of it.  Will our new children like us or will they be disappointed?  Will they take to us quickly or will it take a while to capture them?  What will our other young children think?  What will they do?  What is going through their little minds as they watch 2 other children being grafted into our family?

While it is difficult at times to determine what our 3 youngest boys are thinking, I think its safe to say they are both excited and nervous.  True to their history, they handle emotional stimulation with regressive behavior.  All kinds of things are popping up this week that we haven't had to deal with much over the past 6 months.  This is somewhat predictable and it is why we knew that we could not travel to meet our new children and not take them with us.  It would have ignited their worst fears in life and we simply could not do that to them.

In spite of the increased anxiety, the boys have also shown amazing resiliency and compassion for our new children.  Each evening at the dinner table they ask "when do we leave to get our new kids?"   They are genuinely excited and this adoption has served to help them expand their worlds beyond themselves in order to think of others.  We are proud of the progress our boys have made and especially proud of the acceptance that they have already demonstrated for our new children.

We can't fathom how little children comprehend how this works. It is so unnatural for kids not to have a home and family from the start and to see them getting excited about getting a family or adding to our family in this way is still so strange. We are glad that they are excited, it is just amazing that they can come to any kind of understanding in their little minds about it. To our boys, families just add more people/children at different times and to them "getting" these two is normal. They are not phased by that part at all. They are definitely more excited than anything.

I think there is a spiritual lesson here.  When one is born into God's kingdom, isn't one of the things that He asks of us is that we share His love and good news with others?   In other words, think of somebody else long enough to help them in life?

That's where we are today.  We wait expecting, excited and, yes, anxiously for the rest of God's provision, which as of today is $5,000.  We continually remind ourselves to not get sidetracked by what we see in the natural and re-focus on what we see in our mind and spirit's eye...and we break out all over again with thanks and gratitude to be a part of something so special as to take care of His little ones!  We are reminded of Pillar 12 (see my book, 12 Pillars & a Prayer) and we join with the Apostle Paul in "being anxious for nothing, but by prayers and petitions, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God...and His peace will guard your hearts and minds" (Philippians 4:4-8).

You can go to www.simplesolutions4.com and scroll down to donate to help us bring our 2 children home!

Memorandum of Understanding©

While praying for America last fall, I had a bit of a "moment" if you will.  I suppose that I am one of the more fortunate people in that I had a good relationship with my father.  While not perfect, I knew he was invested in my life.  My relationship with my earthly father made it easy to believe in a Heavenly Father who is invested in my life.  But not just me, His investment extends to all mankind and particularly to this country.  For a moment, I saw a Father's heart.  I quickly moved to write it down at that time.  Now I'd like to share that moment.  

Memorandum of Understanding©

M. Russell Thomas, PhD

“Excuse me, Liberty, could you step into my office for a minute”.  I heard the Father’s voice as I hurriedly rushed down Gold Street heading for Cloud 268.  I was in a hurry for a meeting with the East Wing Angels Association but had come to understand that an opportunity to spend a little time with Father must be seized, for in that time refreshment and revelation for the soul follow.

But today Father was in a solemn mood.  All business as He gazed out over all His creation.  If I didn’t know any better I would say that he had been crying.  His eyes were swollen and ruddy although never failing to communicate a deep, piercing compassion that melts the deepest of fear and worry.

“Yes sir.  What can I do for you today, Father?” I asked as I stood in the large, ornate doorway of Father’s inner chamber.

“Please get your laptop.  Sit down.  I’d like to dictate a memo and need your help”, Father said in a rather businesslike fashion.

I quickly skirted down to my office and retrieve my small computer before returning to Father’s office.  He offered the seat at His large, cedar desk while He stood looking out over all of His creation.  His eyes peered on a particular land just off the horizon and west of the Jasper Gate.  It was a land I knew well:  America.

“Remember when I assigned you to America, Liberty?” Father asked with a notable tone of concern in His voice?

“Yes, I do Father!  You said they needed a little of me, ah, Liberty that is.  I was pleased to help them find their freedom”, I replied.

“Take this down, Liberty” Father launched right in to executive mode. “A Memorandum of Understanding.  Put it in Memo form from me.  To: America.  RE:  A Recent Misunderstanding.”

“Got it sir,” I quickly replied.

“Dear America.  It has recently come to my attention that some of My prophets, teachers, evangelists, apostles and pastors are spreading the word that I am angry with you. These same department leaders have cited the senseless shootings, a rash of wild fires, and economic calamities in America as evidence of my anger and displeasure with you.  Furthermore, these same department leaders have been forecasting a barrage of Heavenly judgments on America.  I’ve heard everything from Hurricanes to earthquakes to famines to biological calamities. 

I am writing to set the record straight.  NONE OF THIS IS THE TRUTH!” 

“Um, put that in big, bold letters, Liberty”, Father said as He repeated himself…NONE OF THIS IS THE TRUTH!

“What I would like to say to you, America is this”. 

“And emphasize these words for me, Liberty”, Father spoke as a side note to His missive. 

“Please do not mistake my anger that you think burns against you, for my love that burns for you!”

“You see America, I remember when we first started our relationship.  How you sought my advice and how I sent Liberty to you in your quest to be free from the bondage of tyranny.  The whole Tea Party thing in Boston was a hoot and I remember how we sat for hours together fashioning your Constitution.  And that Declaration of Independence was ‘Divinely’ crafted if I may so say myself!  I remember how we rode off into the Wild West together to settle unchartered territories and rope a few Doggies together.  How you rose up to my call to drive Hitler back from destroying innocent lives.  I have always been impressed with you, America and the way that you’ve supported My people, Israel.  How you’ve poured out of your resources to help the poor and needy around the world and were the first to arrive on the scene in Sri Lanka after the Tsunami.  America it has made me proud every time you’ve hollowed out the words “with Liberty and Justice for all”, for I have always loved those precepts.  I remember when you trusted me for all your needs and how you honored me when you decided to put the words, “IN GOD WE TRUST” on your money.  Yes, while it is true that our relationship has been strained of late and that it did hurt my feelings when you no longer wanted Me in your children’s classroom or when you wanted to take down My commandments in your buildings and as you have taken the lives of your young in the name of choice, I want you to know that there is absolutely no desire on My part to pass judgment on you now”.

Father stopped.  I waited while He turned to look back out towards the west.  I could see His Adam’s apple flutter violently in his throat as He fought back the tears.  In a few minutes Father regained His composure enough to utter a few last words and with a quivering voice said,… “America, all I want is for you to come back to me again.”

Managing your own need.

Today brought an interesting devotion from the book of Proverbs.  In the 25th Chapter, Solomon, the man credited with being the wisest man to ever live said these words:

 

It is not good to eat much honey;

So to seek one’s own glory is not glory [at all].

Whoever has no rule over his own spirit

Is like a city broken down, without walls.

 

One of the devasting effects of parental neglect is the development of narcissism.  Psychoanalysist, Heinz Kohut, once spoke much about the development of narcissism.  He concluded that everybody has a narcissistic need and that in normal development these needs are met through empathic parenting.  Primarily through empathy, children develop the skill of self soothing, feeling safe, receive nurturing and develop a sense of well-being in this world.  Without such parenting, narcissism basically goes unchecked, rules the day, and establishes an abyss of emotional need that demands satisfaction, i.e., its all about me, baby!   Those around such a person often avoid contact, run for the exit doors or tend to counter the self-centeredness with rejection and in worse cases, become abusive in efforts to "tame" the narcissistic demands.

 

Kohut's theory never made more sense to me than now.  We have seen first hand the emotional injuries of neglect and the resultant narcissism.  It is one of the more difficult aspects of parenting children who have been neglected.  Watching a child try to meet legitimate needs through narcissistic indulgence is painstakingly difficult and managing your own reactions is tricky.  If you're not careful everyone loses.  The child makes no progress in learning to meet his/her needs and the parents have just either avoided or scolded the child for their demanding behavior...thus, to seek one’s own glory is not glory [at all].    Solomon said it centuries ago.  But he also tips us on how to meet those needs.  It requires that you gain control over your spirit.  We’re talking personal responsibility not only for making good choices, but for meeting one’s own needs in legitimate, healthy ways.  To not do so leaves you without defense or protection, just as a city without walls is subject to invasion.  When you are seeking your own glory, the possibility that you will be met with invaders is increased, resulting not in needs being met, but legitimate needs being plundered and even exploited.   This explains why people who are sensitive to rejection seem to invite that rejection from others.  Seeking your own glory opens up your soul like a broken down city without walls.  You get whatever wanders up and enters in.  Perhaps the sojourner is good for the city, perhaps he is not.  Maybe the need is met, maybe the soul and emotions were exploited and frustrated one more time.  However, the one who rules over his or her own spirit is not so.  They let in what they know will be good for the city!

 

But then the question comes, "exactly how to do teach a child to rule over his own spirit?"  Particularly a child that has experienced such disappointment and whose sense of well-being has been shaken to the core.  To that we say, "stay tuned, we'll get back to you on that one!"  We know it has to do with consistency, emphasizing personal responsibility from each child, the importance of the truth, unconditional love from parents and establishing meaningful relationships.  Perhaps it requires other things as well.  If you've got an idea, let us hear from you!  We'd welcome the input!  Until next time...

Does it really take a Village?

Does it really take a Village?

 M. Russell Thomas, PhD

Taken from a full length article posted 2/14/11 to

www.simplesolutions4.com

 

 

            We have often heard the phrase that “it takes a village to raise a child”.  It is an old African proverb that suggests that children are raised best by a village of people who will help that child reach its full potential in life.  I would like to take a moment to address this philosophy and with all due respect, vehemently disagree with basic tenets which underpin it.  It is a philosophy designed by the father of lies and, while dressed up in sheep’s clothing, directly opposes the foundational truths of family.

            Before I present my case, let me go into just a little history of the adage.  It takes a village to raise a child allegedly has its origins in African culture.  It originated from the Nigerian Igbo culture and proverb Ora na azu nwa which means it takes the community/village to raise a child. It is interesting that The Igbo's also name their children Nwa ora which means child of the community.  Other African cultures have promulgated their own version of the proverb.   For example, in Lunyoro (Banyoro) there is a proverb that says Omwana takulila nju emoi, which means literally A child does not grow up only in a single home.  In another African language (Bahaya) there is a saying, Omwana taba womoi, which translates as A child belongs not to one parent or home. In Kijita (Wajita) there is a proverb which says Omwana ni wa bhone, meaning regardless of a child's biological parent(s) its upbringing belongs to the community.  Finally, Swahili, Asiyefunzwa na mamae hufunzwa na ulimwengu translates similarly to that of Kijita.

            More recent history on the proverb it takes a village to raise a child indicates that then, first lady, Hillary Clinton picked up the phrase and idea to write her 1996 book, It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us.  Ms. Clinton spun her political views regarding community, family and social structure based on this popular phrase.  While I have not personally read the book, reviews of the book suggest that Ms. Clinton’s politics and the worldview that shape her politics, were (and presumably still are) similar to that of the African tribes.  It is also noted that Ms. Clinton’s book became something of a political lightening rod, as several conservative politicians countered her ideas.  For example, in the 1996 presidential campaign, Republican presidential candidate, Bob Dole is quoted as saying,"... with all due respect, I am here to tell you, it does not take a village to raise a child. It takes a family to raise a child."  Nine years later, conservative Senator Rick Santorum wrote a rebuke to the book, It Takes a Family: Conservatism and the Common Good.  Both politicians apparently understood the fallacy in Ms. Clinton’s philosophy and political ideology.

            Now I’m not here to talk politics.  But since adopting our four children, Karen and I have been presented with this same it takes a villagementality multiple times.  However, its not in campaign headquarters, but rather coming from good, God-fearing brothers and sisters in the Body of Christ.  We have cringed every time we heard these words.  And before I go any further, let me say this is not to cast a judgmental stone at anyone.  To my shame, I too, have used the phrase and perhaps at some point have given place to some of its ideas in my own life.  But having had a sharp rebuke from God’s Spirit, I feel it important to bring this philosophy to Light as we hold its major ideological principles to the standard of God’s word.  But to all our shame who are in the Body of Christ, promulgating this ideology is promoting Satan's agenda, which is to destroy family and vomit his plethora of lies out on our family and society.  I'll tell you why Karen & I feel so strongly about this issue.

            What are the major principles of the It takes a village philosophy?  There are two messages immediately inherent in this philosophy that are designed to undermine parents and the family structure that our Creator has orchestrated to raise healthy, functional, and creative participants in this world.  The first message inherent in the it takes a village philosophy is that parents are somehow inadequate, in and of themselves, to raise a child.  The idea is that as a parent, you will need more than you and your family to produce a healthy, thriving adult.  So everyone is ready to jump in and give your child what he or she needs to mature.  Huh!?  Now please show in the scripture where God ever said to parents, “I’m going to bless you with this child and you, your neighbor, the garbage man, the banker, and the mailman are going to raise it!”  No, God said Children are heritage of the Lord like arrows in the hands of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.  Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of the youth (Ps 127:3).  Again, in Proverbs 22:1 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old , he will not depart from it.  The operative word there is “train”.  This is an active, dynamic verb that indicates parental effort and involvement with that child.  Not farming out that responsibility to every community entity that so eagerly await receiving a child into their particular philosophy and worldview.

            The second message of the it takes a village philosophy is that you and I as parents, should relinquish our parental responsibility and authority to others.  Or at best, that we should share that responsibility with others.  Again, let’s bring this idea into the light of scripture and see how it holds up.  Is there anywhere in scripture that says a parent should share their parental responsibilities and authority with others in the community?  Absolutely not! There were times when parents made a decision that it was perhaps in the child’s best interest to be raised by someone else (Moses comes to mind), but again, when the angel appeared to Mary and Joseph did he outlined a plan whereby they would share raising Jesus with others?  No, they understood that they had been selected to raise the most influential man of all history.  The angel gave them of vision of this child and who he was to become and it was their sole responsibility to move him toward that destiny.  Nowhere did the angel suggest this was going to be a village effort!  But rather, biblical culture understood that the foundations of family where parents involved in the training and socialization of their kids.  Paul said in Ephesians 6 and Colossians 3 for father’s not to provoke their children to wrath.  I submit to you that fathers whose children are being raised by the village need no such instruction!  This instruction was to fathers who embraced the responsibility of parenting and who bear the wait of raising healthy children.

            I’m going to stop right now and point you to read the rest of this article in its entirety next week.  It will be posted on our websitewww.simplesolutions4.com by Valentine’s Day.  I will simply conclude by expressing my concerns about how this philosophy is creeping into the Body of Christ.  It is a subtle sabotage and undermining of the Biblical foundations for family and raising healthy children into thriving adults.  But until we talk again, we thank you for reading and following our blog.

Bonding and attachment

Our new kids have been with us a month now and today is one of the more difficult blogs to write.  I'm not sure if I'm writing as a psychologist or father.  I suspect some of both.  But in the spirit of transparency we will try to convey to our blog readers what its like to receive a sibling group into your home with a background of moving from placement to placement throughout their lives.  We will now try to describe what we have observed as one of the most devastating impacts of neglect on a child.

One of the biggest surprises to us is the degree of "disconnect" our children have from others.  Otherwise put, the degree to which our children are deficient in their ability to attach, bond and empathize with others has caught us a bit by surprise.  When a child is neglected, a very deep, entrenched feeling of "my caretakers are not there for me" develops and behavior emanates from this core conviction that "I must take care of myself because nobody else is trustworthy enough and can be counted on to meet my needs".   The behavioral result is surprisingly devoid of empathy and awareness of others.  It is our constant chore to maintain order when toys are ripped out of each other's hands or when unkind words are spoken that seem to be designed to generate space and distance in relationships, i.e., make sure nobody gets too close, because after all, when it comes down to it, nobody is trustworthy and we're just one more behavior away from another placement.  When one child is praised for something, often another jumps in to try to "steal the spotlight", leaving the other child screaming in order to regain the attention.   We expected the bonding to be slow with us but we thought they were bonded to each other as siblings and that is not the case at all. They are not bonded to any one. I can only imagine what life must have been like for a baby that had no one to count on. What goes through a little childs mind when they are not nurtured and they have no one to connect to? What leads them to disconnect from everyone when by nature we are designed to connect?

 

Its easy to see these behaviors as defiance and/or rebellion.  We have come to a different conclusion.  The bruised heart of a child isn't that much unlike the new child of God.  God constantly pleads in scripture for our trust and confidence in Him.  He reminds us in Hebrews 13:5 that "He will never leave us or forsake us".  It is one of the most primative, basic needs of a human being to be connected and cared for.  When that need is frustrated and injured, the impact is profound.  Relationships are suspect, connections are only for the purpose of obtaining something, and a self-absorbed, egocentric way of life rules the day.

 

Now here's the good news.  The heart of a child is vulnerable.  It remains vulnerable to the warm embrace that assures that everything is all right and that mommy and daddy aren't going anywhere.  It takes some time to cut through the insulation that defiant, self centered behavior provides, but beyond that behavior is a heart that screams for the assurance that care and nurturing are in place and predictibly consistent.  We are just beginning to scratch the surface of this protective layer of disconnect.  We have found the general rule of thumb seems to be the older the child, the more entrenched they are in their "disconnect".  The task isn't that much different than sharing Jesus with adult.  For some reason, we all seem to have these protective disconnects that hamper our intimacy with God.  Like Adam and Eve, when they perceived that their Heavenly Father was not providing fully for them and decided to take matters in their own hands, so is the nature of a child.  Whether parents or preachers, our task is to love with a love that is so predictible, so compelling, so consistent, that disconnect melts and meaningful, stabilizing relationship rules the day.  It is in this context that people grow and thrive beyond all they ever thought what possible for their lives.

Congrats! to Chris and Jana!

We have been busily blogging about our journey of adopting, but there is more to our life than just our 4 new children.  A wonderful story has been unfolding in the life of our daughter, Jana.  To her we give a big shoutout this morning.  Why?  Because it finally happened for her.  She is officially engaged to be married!  Chris made it official last night with his own customized serenade just for Jana, followed by a proposal and ring.  While we knew in our hearts this was coming, the official announcement was sweet and special.  Chris is a wonderful young man who we welcome with open arms into the family.  But beyond the festive moment, their story is one that bares telling.  It is a testimony of God's sovereignty and kindness guiding 2 people through life until those lives managed to cross paths at the appointed time...the kind of stuff that make for wonderful "chick-flick" kinda movies!

 

Here's their story in a nutshell.  When just a young teen, Jana embraced the idea that she need not entangle herself with the standard routines of dating.  The idea of dating because everyone else is doing it or for whatever reason seemed credible on any particular day didn't appeal to her.  The idea of putting her heart out there to some pimple-faced kid (ok, ok, that's a father talking!) who would only squash it and then practice breaking up for some reason just didn't strike a cord.  Instead, Jana made a quality decision to guard her heart by placing it squarely in her Heavenly Father's hands.  There and only there, would her heart be safe as she waited for Him to bring her the man who would cherish it the same way that He has done for her all through her life.  Jana has waited patiently and God has finally brought that man into her life.

 

On the other hand, Chris also made the same quality decision to not date until he was ready to find his wife.  Unlike many teens, Chris made a decision to respect his parents, listen to their wisdom, and protect his heart as well.  Life ran its course, Chris waited patiently, involved himself in ministry, work and building strong, supportive relationships that would encourage him in his spiritual, emotional, vocational and mental growth.  In the process, Chris was able to focus on learning the lessons that would prepare him for this next season of life, mature as a young man, and serve others without the entanglement of "dead-end" relationships.  God has rewarded his decision with a beautiful young woman who loves him, God and will make him a wonderful help mate in life.

 

Some may look at Jana and Chris' path and question it, maybe even consider it "Old Fashion" or antiquated ideology.  To that I would say "poppycock!"  The truth is, there is not a one of us that doesn't wish that we had entered the wonderful bonds of matrimony minus the scars and bruises of prior relationships.  Again, the truth is, these 2 will enter their marriage without much of the baggage that most will carry entering the bonds of matrimony. 

 

In addition, the entire process of waiting has built character in Chris and Jana that will serve them well to make a successful marriage.  Think about it, what does waiting do for one's character?  Ok, first there's the ability to deny self and yield to another, in this case, yield to God's will and timing.  Second, relationship boundaries are developed.  I know that Jana had opportunity to date and see what guys were like had she chosen to do so.  But in not doing so, she established boundaries with men that will serve to protect her marriage in the future.  Same with Chris.  Third, Jana and Chris know what it is like to maintain joy while waiting for something you want.  Whether its a spouse, or a car or a house or a child, waiting can wear on your joy and peace.  The ability to maintain your joy in the midst of such wait is an incredible attribute to bring into a marriage.  Do you see how, in Chris and Jana's decision not to date until God sent their mate along, they have already built valuable skills into their relationship?  Anyone who's been married and is not psychotic would agree that some of the most important virtues that make marriage successful is the ability to defer to someone else, maintain boundaries in relationships outside the marriage, and release your joy and contentment while waiting for a desire to be fulfilled.  There are many more virtues developed but we'll stop here.

 

In closing, this part is for Jana and Chris.  I know Chris' parents would join Karen & I in saying that we are incredibly proud of you guys.  You did it right!  We know that God has a wonderful plan for your lives together and we look forward to watching it unfold...as well as grandbabies (in a couple of years)!  The two of you are wonderful example of trusting God and reaping the beautiful harvest of a "desire fulfilled is a tree of life".  We love you and pray God's continual blessing on your lives.

TRANSITIONING OLD TESTAMENT KIDS INTO NEW TESTAMENT SONS AND DAUGHTERS.

I sit down to write this blog today having attempted to do so many times this weekend.  To say that our 4 new children have created a new environment around our house is like saying Bill Gates has alot of money...it just doesn't capture the enormity of the situation!  Its been a stretch and at my age even stretching can be dangerous!  But in the midst of our chaos has been strength, new wisdom, an increase in our communication, and even revelatory moments.    I'd like to take a moment and share one of those moments.

 

Our new children are energetic, cute, lovable and exploratory.  Unfortunately, their energy often couples with their lack of understanding of boundaries, limits and respect for each others, creating unique and frequent meltdowns and mini crisis.  Their history of neglect and multiple placements lends itself to a plethora of issues including a very limited understanding of limits and boundaries, not to mention, basic issues of trust and safety.  I will be writing more as a psychologist on my website in the coming weeks (www.simplesolutions4.com) about some of these issues, but for now, I write as a parent along with Karen in order to describe what its been like to parent these 4 children over the past few weeks.

 

One of things that I noticed earlier this week was the response or lack thereof our children have to us.  We noted a major difference in the response of our 11 year old to us, who we have had since day one, compared to the four children we now have.  Our 11 year old responds to us because he understands our love and commitment to him.  In other words, we have relationship with him.  The other 4 have no experience base with such a relationship.  They do not respond to our voice because they do not yet have a safe, secure, trusting relationship with us.  God had the same problem with His children when they broke relationship with Him and the result was the Torah, or law.  In essence, God was saying "Let me set the standard for behavior; however, it won't be enough.  It won't heal your heart and it won't restore you to me." We have expereienced a similar "laying down of the law".  It is behavioral management by law, i.e., parenting Old Testament kids...and we know that while it may give some semblence of order in our home, it won't be enough to heal their bruised hearts and calm their deepest anxieties.  Old Testament kids understand the law while somebody is looking, but what happens when no one is looking?  Is there a heart connected to the father (and mother) that beats with their standards?  Do they consider consequences if the law enforcement is not observing them?  Of course not!  Behavior regresses to a different standard dictated by an inner fear and self-centered desire.

 

Do understand that these Old Testament kids are not there by their own choosing.  Shelters, foster cares, temporary placements, even school, all have their rules.  If you're a child going from place to place, you're not learning to love a person, you're simply learning to play by the "house rules".  There is no attachment, no loving oversite, no comfort when hurting...just rules to follow.  And following rules is everything.  It gets you TV time, trips to McDonald's, and maybe an occasional kudo from the case worker...but the deepest need for love, care, attachment and belonging go untouched.  The expectation is not for the feeling of inner comfort and security, but simply to stay out of trouble.  Anxiety stays at a heightened level, always wondering if you're in good standing or even good enough for the caretakers.  Such environments are in crisis management and behavioral containment mode as a way to manage dysfunctional and ineffective behavior.  The product is an Old Testament kid.

 

Let me explain the Old Testament kid further.  God has made it abundantly clear to us as humans that His desire for us is relationship, intimacy and fellowship.  It was the heart of a father trying to connect with His creation.  But then man had this little thing called "free will" and consistently chose to disobey and break that fellowship.  The result was the passing down of the law that included animal sacrifices and all kinds of mandates.  Man uses these things in an attempt to manage behavior and the result is religion characterized by laws, inability to measure up, and a notable lack of heart connection.

 

But God's heart didn't give up.  He had a plan to bridge this gap.  Its a sacrifice that doesn't just attempt to manage behavior so that we are good people, but a plan to pierce the heart and restore the wounded heart to Him.  A plan to institute relationship that scratches the deepest itch of need...the need to connect, feel safe, secure and belong.   A need for a selfless love that empties out safety into the emotional tanks of its recepient.  Needs that somebody is fully invested in your best interest and welfare.  What greater demonstration of that investment than to die for another?  It was that kind of act that restored it all.  Now behavior is motivated by love and respect, not mandated by law.  It is the creation of New Testament sons and daughters.  Anybody can be a kid.  You only need be born and exist with breath in your body.  But a son or a daughter, now that's a different story.  A son or a daughter is identified by the parents that love them and the family in which they grow.  A son or daughter carries the brand of the family, otherwise known as the family name, which tells them that they are loved and belong.  A son or a daughter is known by the mother and/or father that tuck them in at night and provide a loving environment in which for them to reach their full potential.

 

The cry of the orphan, the cry of every child who has gone without parents or been neglected, is not for law, but for love.  It is not just a mandate or restriction on behavior, but a healing of the bruised and insulated heart that once healed, generates a different kind of behavior.  That only comes through New Testament son and daughership made possible through relationship.  Our task is to transition Old Testament kids into New Testament sons and daughters.

Finally arrived!

 

FINALLY!  Waiting for 9 months for a newborn baby was a piece of cake compared to waiting for our 4 new children!  But like the delivery room, when you hold that newborn baby pain is quickly forgotten.  Yesterday, our four new additions to our family arrived.  If this were football, they'd call it a "broken play".  Waiting on paperwork, missed flights, much later than anticipated, and one big Christmas party were all part of the moment.  We had planned to have them well before today but God's timing is always impeccable as 20+ people arrived at our house only a few short hours after our children.  In fact, it wouldn't be surprising if many of the guests passed the social workers as they sped back to the airport to catch a late afternoon flight back to their hometown!

 

But the scene was beautiful.  The social workers called when they were but a mile or two away from the house.  Jeffrey (our 10 year old) decided he would stand on stump of our recently fallen oak tree in the front yard.  As the social workers were looking for the house they inadvertantly passed by but would received some assistance from the kids: "You missed it!  You missed it! You missed it!  There's Jeffrey! Go back, go back!"

 

When they turned around and got back we could hear them screaming in the car when they came down the driveway :-).  Before the vehicle came to a complete stop, The oldest girl and boy literally jumped out of the  car and ran to us, immediately referring to us as "Mom" and "Dad".  Karen quickly got the 2 year old out of his car seat while the 3 year old got stuck in his car seat due to some mechanical malfunction with the seat belt.  He was getting irritated that he couldnt get out, mostly fearing that his siblings were gaining an edge in seeing their new rooms first!  They immediately wanted to see their rooms and when they did you could see the delight on their faces.  The boys proceeded to take out every toy in their room and play with them.  While snapping a number of pictures for the records, the social worker uttter the words "ya'll were REALLY ready for them...this is great".  The paper work went fast and then the 2 social workers wisked away in order to return to the airport by 4.  The good byes were quick as the kids continued to be enthralled with with their new home and in particular, their new toys!  They hadn't eaten lunch yet and it was already after 2 so we took the easy way out and got them mcdonalds.  There was an attempt to get them all down for a nap but excitement trumped fatigue and only the 2 year old nodded off.

 

Even as we were attempting the whole nap thing, family and guests were trickling in for the party.  There were over 20 people in the house and alot of activity ensued.  We weren't sure how all the stimulation would effect the children but they fit right in.  They played, ate and acted like they were part of the family since day one.  Each acted as if they never meet a stranger and blended in with whoever was here.  Our oldest daughter's fiance and his brother brought his guitar and played Christmas music.  As we all sang traditional Yuletid tunes, the kids sat amoungst us and listened.  To our surprise, they were amazingly so calm during that time.  We wondered if they had ever been around anything like that before but each seemed to enjoy the moment as they sat on laps and felt the warm embraces of new mom, dad, grandmothers, grandfathers, sisters, brothers and friends.  Karen said it felt like the scene in the movie "While You Were Sleeping" when Lucy (played by Sandra Bulluck) goes to the family Christmas dinner and even though there's all this activity and even chaos, feels for the first time the family she never had.  If the moment had been a movie they would have zoomed in on each kid and narrated their thoughts.  At the end of the party when everyone was leaving, Justice (7 year old girl) gathered all the punch cups and asked if she could do dishes.  She did and was so proud of it...and Karen was too!  I asked why she was washing the dishes and she replied, "I just wanted to help mom, she's worked so hard today". 

The evening came to close with friends and family saying their goodbyes and Karen's parents sharing Christmas gifts with the children.  The 4 year old boy opened his Buzz LightYear figure and instantly proclaimed "this is the best toy ever!" Later, as I got the boys down for bed, Karen spent some time with Justice, where she gleefully sported her new PJs.  She wanted to open her new Barbie doll and in a few minutes she softly said to Karen "this was the best present ever".  Karen thought she was refrerring to the Barbie and wondered what exactly the doll meant to her.  But then Justice clarified and asked "do you know why?"  And when Karen responded "why?" she simply said "because I got a family". 

 

The special moments continued this morning when Judah awakened to tell Karen that he had a dream:  "I dreamed about being in the shelter".  Then he quickly added, "I like this place alot better!" 

 

Words cannot capture the plethora of "special moments" that were packed into the evening.  From Justice's "I got a family" to Jaden's "I like you dad!" to Judah's "mom, I was dreaming about the shelter and I like this place alot better!" it was a special time.  In looking back over these first few hours with our new children I am again reminded of the Kingdom of God.  Jesus said "let the children come!" as He hoisted one up on His lap as the words rolled off His lips.  It is a wonderful thing when a child finds his or her home.  It reminded me of the verse in Luke 15 when Jesus spoke of the scene in Heaven when somebody finds their Heavenly Father and family:  there is joy in the presence of angels [when one finds their Heavenly Father].  As I watched our 4 new children enjoy all the benefits of family, I could not help but think about all the Heavenly benefits that we enjoy as part of God's family.  We are so abundantly blessed.  While some people get to talk about what the Kingdom of God is like, we got to see, first hand, what the Kingdom of God is like.  Friends, family, kids, all together, rejoicing in the His presence, flourishing in the connections that support and bind us together.  This is life at its best!  We are so thankful to all of our friends, family, children (the older ones), blog readers, and everyone else that have supported us and blessed us along this journey of finding our children.  The best is yet to come!

Warrior Arrows

Some of you may have noticed a change in our blog.  Specifically, we have changed our name from "Boys in the Bulrush" to "Warrior Arrows".  Today, we'd like to explain the change.  When we began our journey on the path to adoption, we didn't know where to start.  We looked at dozens of options and agencies before deciding to pursue 2 special needs children from China.  Once on the path, we wanted to name our blog something that would reflect the idea of a journey that found 2 boys hidden in some disguised place, but nonetheless, there for us to find and welcome into our home.  The mental picture we had was of Moses in the Old Testament, when his mother floated him down the river and his floatation device came to rest in the bulrush where he was found and essentially adopted into the king's court.

As we have shared, for various reasons, we were unable to continue on the path to adopting these boys from China and we shifted our efforts to finding a sibling group in the United States.  Recently we were selected for a group of 4 siblings in the midwest and are now waiting to travel to meet them, hopefully some time in the next week or two.  The sibling group is comprised of a girl and 3 boys, so the mental picture of 2 boys in the bulrush began to break down a little bit.  This past week a new mental picture began to emerge in our mind based on Psalm 127:3-5 which says

 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth.

Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.

We have always loved that verse and having our 'quiver full' of our own children. As we began to think of adding more arrows to our quiver through adoption, we felt like this was a perfect name for our blog. People have said that we are crazy for adopting 4 children at this point of our life.  And to that, we say, "yeah, we know.  We can give you a 1,000 reasons why we shouldn't adopt 4 children".  But then we continue..."we can give you 1 good reason why we should..."  Do you know what that reason is?  We believe that it is absolutely an honor and the most thrilling adventure that life has to offer to be a part of a child's life and have the opportunity to introduce them to the Kingdom of God and Jesus.  And here we are, totally blessed with 4 more!  Four more children that we can tell about God's love and the special place they hold in His heart!  Four more children in our quiver who are warrior arrows in the Kingdom of God.

Does life get any better, we ask?  What will it be like to stand before God our Father one day knowing that we had answered His call, sought Him for guidance, and introduced not only our biological children to Jesus, but these 4 as well.  Crazy?  Perhaps.  But life never really promised that everything would make sense...only that we would be accompanied by the King of the entire universe and that He desires to penetrate this world with His love.  We'll talk so more in the coming days about the thrill and why its so important to us.  Until we talk again...

Hope and Fulfillment

I must start today's blog with a passage from Proverbs.  Proverbs 13:12 says that, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life".  Many times I have quoted the first part of that.  I usually said it when I felt that life wasn't giving me what I wanted, when I wanted it.  It was sort of a way to say to God, "Hey, come on.  Answer my prayer, already!"  The ole "hope deferred" line also represented a certain frustration with life, not to mention a feeling of entitlement.  Historically speaking, none of those thoughts, feelings and even attempts to manipulate the heavens ever seemed to make much difference in the outcomes.  But today, I am reminded that life does, in fact, provide its moments when our desires are realized and something good comes our way.  My devotion this morning was from Psalm 35 and I noticed that in a difficult time David reminds himself that God does take pleasure in the "prosperity" of His children.  We wake up this morning with this wonderful feeling of having a desire to come to us.  Yesterday, we were informed that we have been selected to adopt 4 beautiful children pending one more interview that seems to be fairly perfunctory.  Finally!  After several years, the last 15 months of which have been up and down, we have found our kids!  Suddenly, life is full of energy and our hearts feel a sense of gratitude that God has placed this burden on our hearts to adopt and has now fulfilled that burden.  Although we are facing a few more weeks of waiting, administrative activities and of course, paperwork, we are finally going to receive our 4 new little blessings.  We could go on right now describing this moment and how it feels, but well save that for future posts over the next couple of days.  Until we talk again....

Passing through Nowhere Land...

Passing through Nowhere Land...Maybe I'm the only one, but sometimes when you feel you are suppose to do something in life, it doesn't always feel like you are making progress.  One minute you know exactly what you're doing and where you're at and then, without warning, you get this feeling of being completely out of your element and in the middle of "Nowhere Land".

 

As many of you know, we have been involved in the adoption process for well over three years now.  Its not just a noble idea for us, its a calling.  And it not only involves us simply finding our kids and opening our heart and home to them, but to join in with those in the Body of Christ who are encouraging others to get involved in some capacity.  Whether its adopting, supporting an agency or orphanage, sponsoring a child or encouraging a friend that we know is in the adoption process, we know that the world cannot afford to lose these little ones to our fears, apathy and indifference. 

 

At times it has felt as if we were making progress and at other times it has felt like we were at ground zero...yet again!  The words of Rudyard Kipling's poem, "IF", "if you can...risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss, and lose, and start again at your beginnings and never breathe a word about your loss..." more than capture the feeling that we've had over and over.  In this process of finding our kids we can go to bed one night knowing that God's got it all under control, convinced that tomorrow the social worker is going to call, only to wake up the next morning in Nowhere Land "starting over again".  But then something beautiful happens.  God will send something or somebody into our path that offers the strength and energy to stay the course.  Recently, I experienced one such moment. 

 

I was in a grocery store, minding my own business, waiting for the deli people to slice my roast beef, when a young lady approached me.  She began to tell me how the course of her and her husband's life was changed dramatically in response to something we had said.  At first, I had no idea what she was talking about and she thought that perhaps she had mistaken me for somebody else.  But then she went on to say that she and her husband were involved in the adoption of a sibling group.  What persuaded them to take the leap was a presentation we had done in our local church last year.  To be more precise, it was the second presentation that persuaded them to pursue adoption.  As she recounted to me, after the first presentation, she and her husband began to pray about adopting.  One of their prayers went something like "Lord, if you are wanting us to adopt, then let the man do another presentation".  To their amazement, the next Sunday, we did a second presentation about the need for families to adopt.  With tears streaming down her face she thanked me for the presentation and the encouragement to step out and open their hearts and homes to parent "the fatherless".  And in that instant, I went from wondering what in the world we were thinking about when we answered our call to adopt, to a place where it all made sense.  Our frustrations and disappointments melted and for a moment I had one of those genuine "rejoice with those that rejoice" moments.  It is such moments that remind me that a Being far more wise than I orchestrates life and fits all the pieces of the puzzle together for each and every one of us. 

 

We have shared many such orchestrated moments with each other and with many of you along our path to finding our kids.  We want to take a moment to thank each of you who have shared with us.  We can only say thank you and keep it coming.  Continue to share with us your stories of how God has touched you in some capacity to serve the fatherless of this world.  Its the difference between settling in "Nowhere Land" and just passing through.  God bless you and let me just close this blog with the words of James who said,

 

Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world.

 

until we talk again...

Emotional Roller Coaster

The past six weeks or so of our adoption process have been a complete roller coaster ride for our family. Through the ups and downs we have had some major changes in our adoption. First off, We have exceeded our time frames for the China adoption and it seems that we have reached an impasse.  We will not be getting these two boys from China. That in itself was an emotional let down. Some where in China sit two little boys that have been a part of our life and thoughts and prayers for the past year. They dont even know it but they have a room here and a dresser full of clothes and tons of toys and decorations picked out just for them. They have been prayed for every day by us and our extended family as well. They have been named and thought of during family games and activities. They were truly a part of our family even though we never actually met them. They will never know that for the past year, they have had a family. Not being able to add them to our family is like having a miscarriage. It is heartbreaking and discouraging and even though we have had some down times and felt all these things we still have a peace and know that God is in control. For what ever reason this was not meant to be. Maybe our part was simply to pray for them every day for  this past year and we may never know what difference that may have made in their lives. As we have said before, our approach to adopting was simply to "take the next positive step that we knew to take".  While we grieve that we have reached an impasse for the China adoption, we rejoice that God is opening new doors.  To our surprise, the next positive step has brought us to exploring domestic adoptions.  Our homestudy is now complete for a domestic adoption and we are in the seeking phase.  We know God has kids out there somewhere that are to be a part of our family, our job now is to find them!  Pray for us as we take our next positive step!

July 4th family fun

Wow! What a busy week for us. We had 14 people and four dogs at our house for the 4th of July. Great fun with family! We dont get together like that nearly enough.
My sister and her two girls were up from Florida for the week leading up to the 4th. All our children were in at least for the weekend. My parents came down and my brother was here also.

When we do get together, we go all out and make some seriously fun memories. Every year we do a Mystery dinner and everyone dresses up in character and really gets into the game. This year the theme was Gone with the Wind. Looks like next year will be a roaring '20"s theme.

We also had a pig pickin' and family games and lots of fellowship and fun times.

Happy Father's Day to each of you dad's out there!

Happy Father's Day to each of you dad's out there!  
I've played on championship athletic teams, walked across the stage to receive my doctoral diploma, and even jumped off a 40-foot railroad bridge into a Tennessee river (not smart, do not try this at home!), but nothing has ever been more thrilling than being a father...and I am serious when I say that, nothing!

I will never forget each time I first laid eyes on my children and felt the amazement of a new life.  The joy that I felt and continue to feel as they have grown is comparable to no other feeling in the world.  Baby's first steps, the first time they said that magical word (Daddy!), "Boys Club Weekends" and the annual Nutcracker recital are memories that, like the commercial says, "ARE PRICELESS"!

But what if?  Now that Karen & I are a little older, we have begun to realize that what we took for granted in our own childhood and what we've been able to pass on to our children, was not the life that every child has been granted.  Not every child has been fortunate enough to have a mom and/or dad to play with them, tuck them in at night, play ball with them or hug them when they hurt on the inside.  Unfortunately, there are some children who will never have a home and be a part of a family.

Some have fathered, but not all are fathers.  In my work as a psychologist, I often work with behaviorally troubled young adolescent males.  To my amazement, the modern day right-of-passage seems to be to father a child.  One 16 year old boy with whom I worked, had fathered 2 children already, had one girlfriend pregnant and was looking to find another willing partner at the time he was in my office!  He spent no time with any of his children, offered them no financial support, and provided no model of responsible living whatsoever.  He fathered children, but provided virtually nothing in terms of being a father.

The innocent pay the price.  While this boy was an extreme, who pays the price?  Unfortunately, it is the child who is left to face a world that offers very little support and personal care.  The foster care system is overrun with these children and orphanages all over the world are trying their best to provide for their basic needs. 

Be a part of something special this Father's Day.  As you know, Karen & I are in the process of adopting 2 of these children.  Both have spent their entire 7 years on this earth in orphanages.  Both want more than anything a family to call their own.  Both face prescribed, dismal futures should they not find their heart's desire.  But before this can happen, Karen & I must raise some $35,000 to finish the adoption.  Of that, $7,500 is due immediately.  After much thought and deliberation, we've decided to appeal to each of you for help.  In exchange, for your help, we are making available a very special Father's Day offer.

At the urging of our website and marketing manager, we are offering the following special offers for anyone making a donation this Father's Day weekend:

Anyone making a donation of $10 or more will receive Dr. Thomas' Turbo Charged Childhood eBook (a $14.95 value) AND Dr. Thomas'Weekly Inspirational Thoughts for Parents & Teachers of ADHD Children eBook (a $9.95 value).

Donations of $50 or more will receive the gifts mentioned above as well as Dr. Thomas' NEW book entitled "12 Pillars and a Prayer: God's Secrets to Success, Prosperity, and Wealth"* (see details below).

Donations of $100 or more will receive hard copies of both "Turbo Charged Childhood" and "12 Pillars and a Prayer: God's Secrets to Success, Prosperity, and Wealth", each personally inscribed by Dr. Russell Thomas.

These books are valuable resources for anyone's library.  Turbo Charged Childhood is full of non-medicine interventions for those challenged with attention deficit.  Written from a distinctively Christian perspective, 12 Pillars and a Prayer is for anyone who has ever had financial challenges, i.e., pretty much everyone!  In 12 Pillars and a Prayer I tackle the question of "Does God really you to be successful, prosperous and wealthy"?  I think you will find both books to be easy, enjoyable reading that stimulates you to think outside of the box for both attention deficits and your finances!
 

I would like to close by inviting you to be a part of something special this Father's Day Weekend.  Make a difference to 2 young boys' lives and at the same time enjoy 2 of my special books!  Won't you please go to:

 

http://www.simplesolutions4.com/

and make a donation today?  The need is immediate and with your help we can make this a very special father's day!  Please share this opportunity with anyone that you think might benefit from my books by forwarding this email on to them.

Until we talk again, have a great Father's Day and I would that you prosper and be in good health,