Update on Bringing Our New Kids Home!

So here we are.  24 Hours away from beginning the process to meet our kids and bring them home with us. Leaving the farm behind is stressful but knowing our police officer son will be here to house and animal sit while we're gone is comforting.  Anxiety mounts, but its a good anxiety...at least most of it.  Will our new children like us or will they be disappointed?  Will they take to us quickly or will it take a while to capture them?  What will our other young children think?  What will they do?  What is going through their little minds as they watch 2 other children being grafted into our family?

While it is difficult at times to determine what our 3 youngest boys are thinking, I think its safe to say they are both excited and nervous.  True to their history, they handle emotional stimulation with regressive behavior.  All kinds of things are popping up this week that we haven't had to deal with much over the past 6 months.  This is somewhat predictable and it is why we knew that we could not travel to meet our new children and not take them with us.  It would have ignited their worst fears in life and we simply could not do that to them.

In spite of the increased anxiety, the boys have also shown amazing resiliency and compassion for our new children.  Each evening at the dinner table they ask "when do we leave to get our new kids?"   They are genuinely excited and this adoption has served to help them expand their worlds beyond themselves in order to think of others.  We are proud of the progress our boys have made and especially proud of the acceptance that they have already demonstrated for our new children.

We can't fathom how little children comprehend how this works. It is so unnatural for kids not to have a home and family from the start and to see them getting excited about getting a family or adding to our family in this way is still so strange. We are glad that they are excited, it is just amazing that they can come to any kind of understanding in their little minds about it. To our boys, families just add more people/children at different times and to them "getting" these two is normal. They are not phased by that part at all. They are definitely more excited than anything.

I think there is a spiritual lesson here.  When one is born into God's kingdom, isn't one of the things that He asks of us is that we share His love and good news with others?   In other words, think of somebody else long enough to help them in life?

That's where we are today.  We wait expecting, excited and, yes, anxiously for the rest of God's provision, which as of today is $5,000.  We continually remind ourselves to not get sidetracked by what we see in the natural and re-focus on what we see in our mind and spirit's eye...and we break out all over again with thanks and gratitude to be a part of something so special as to take care of His little ones!  We are reminded of Pillar 12 (see my book, 12 Pillars & a Prayer) and we join with the Apostle Paul in "being anxious for nothing, but by prayers and petitions, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God...and His peace will guard your hearts and minds" (Philippians 4:4-8).

You can go to www.simplesolutions4.com and scroll down to donate to help us bring our 2 children home!

Bonding and attachment

Our new kids have been with us a month now and today is one of the more difficult blogs to write.  I'm not sure if I'm writing as a psychologist or father.  I suspect some of both.  But in the spirit of transparency we will try to convey to our blog readers what its like to receive a sibling group into your home with a background of moving from placement to placement throughout their lives.  We will now try to describe what we have observed as one of the most devastating impacts of neglect on a child.

One of the biggest surprises to us is the degree of "disconnect" our children have from others.  Otherwise put, the degree to which our children are deficient in their ability to attach, bond and empathize with others has caught us a bit by surprise.  When a child is neglected, a very deep, entrenched feeling of "my caretakers are not there for me" develops and behavior emanates from this core conviction that "I must take care of myself because nobody else is trustworthy enough and can be counted on to meet my needs".   The behavioral result is surprisingly devoid of empathy and awareness of others.  It is our constant chore to maintain order when toys are ripped out of each other's hands or when unkind words are spoken that seem to be designed to generate space and distance in relationships, i.e., make sure nobody gets too close, because after all, when it comes down to it, nobody is trustworthy and we're just one more behavior away from another placement.  When one child is praised for something, often another jumps in to try to "steal the spotlight", leaving the other child screaming in order to regain the attention.   We expected the bonding to be slow with us but we thought they were bonded to each other as siblings and that is not the case at all. They are not bonded to any one. I can only imagine what life must have been like for a baby that had no one to count on. What goes through a little childs mind when they are not nurtured and they have no one to connect to? What leads them to disconnect from everyone when by nature we are designed to connect?

 

Its easy to see these behaviors as defiance and/or rebellion.  We have come to a different conclusion.  The bruised heart of a child isn't that much unlike the new child of God.  God constantly pleads in scripture for our trust and confidence in Him.  He reminds us in Hebrews 13:5 that "He will never leave us or forsake us".  It is one of the most primative, basic needs of a human being to be connected and cared for.  When that need is frustrated and injured, the impact is profound.  Relationships are suspect, connections are only for the purpose of obtaining something, and a self-absorbed, egocentric way of life rules the day.

 

Now here's the good news.  The heart of a child is vulnerable.  It remains vulnerable to the warm embrace that assures that everything is all right and that mommy and daddy aren't going anywhere.  It takes some time to cut through the insulation that defiant, self centered behavior provides, but beyond that behavior is a heart that screams for the assurance that care and nurturing are in place and predictibly consistent.  We are just beginning to scratch the surface of this protective layer of disconnect.  We have found the general rule of thumb seems to be the older the child, the more entrenched they are in their "disconnect".  The task isn't that much different than sharing Jesus with adult.  For some reason, we all seem to have these protective disconnects that hamper our intimacy with God.  Like Adam and Eve, when they perceived that their Heavenly Father was not providing fully for them and decided to take matters in their own hands, so is the nature of a child.  Whether parents or preachers, our task is to love with a love that is so predictible, so compelling, so consistent, that disconnect melts and meaningful, stabilizing relationship rules the day.  It is in this context that people grow and thrive beyond all they ever thought what possible for their lives.

REVERSE THE CURSE!

Feelings are such a fickle thing.  One minute they tickle your fancy and the next they shake you at the core of your being. Adoption can stir them like a whisk stirs a cake mix!  Its been a little over a week since we received our 4 new children.  What a week its been.  We are feeling the need to be transparent about our adoption on this blog, knowing that many readers are either (a) parents thinking about adoption who need to understand some fundamental truth and emotion around adoption, or (b) already adoptive parents who will know when we are “shooting the bull”!  So for better or for worse we’ve decided to make our posts as transparent as possible without violating focus on the reason why we did this to begin with:  the deep, abiding conviction that God is calling His people to care for and win an enter generation of orphans for the Kingdom of God.  No matter what happens we are very much aware that we are simply “pinch hitting” for God here on earth with our children.

With that said, let us try to sum up our first week.  There are certain words that come to mind when we think of this week:  chaos is one.  Overwhelmed at times another.  Other descriptors include perpetual energy and perpetual crisis.  Yet others include needy, crying, broken keepsakes, interruption, screaming, stubbornness,and movement (lots of it).  But then there are some smiles, occasional moments of contentment, and laughter.

The reader may wonder at this point why in the world would anyone want all of this?  It’s a legitimate question.  We have asked ourselves the same question.  In fact, yesterday in my prayer time (driving in my car to an appointment) I (Russell) found myself a little overwhelmed, despairing and maybe even a little self-pity about the situation.  I asked the Lord to refocus me on why we did this.  That refocus came last night while reading Spirit of Adoption by Randy Bohlender.  He brought out an interesting point about the very last words in the Old Testament in the book of Malachi, which just happened to precede 400 years of God’s silence.  Those words tell us that before that great day of the coming of the Lord that the hearts of the fathers would turn to the children and the hearts of children would turn toward the fathers.  But as Randy points out, there were a few more words tacked on to the end of this prophecy.  “Lest I strike the land with a curse”.  The Old Testament ends with this beautiful prophetic picture, but also with a warning. 

We chose to enter adoption because we felt the call to do it.  We knew that the process would require battle and to some extent, we knew the process of raising the children would require battle.  Every time one of our new children, ages 2,3,4 and 7, ask us “Are you going to take us back to the shelter?” we understand the battle all over again (its been a common question this week).  It’s the same question that many of us Christians ask our Heavenly Father:   Are You going to disappoint us all over again?  Is it when I yell and scream?  Or maybe its when I don’t do what I’m told.  Or maybe its just because I’m too difficult, unlovable and needy that will send me back to the shelter this time.  It’s a question coming from the innocent, but war-torn, broken spirit of a child that wonders if there is anything in this world that can be trusted.  We have the chance, no the privilege, to answer that question with a resounding “No. You’re not going back to the shelter.  You are with us now forever!”  Its the same answer God gives His children:  No, you're not going back to darkness, no man can pluck you out of My hand now!  (see John 10:29).

Over the next few weeks we will be making some candid posts about what its like to adopt 4 sibling children at one time all who function on a social, emotional and behavioral age of about 2 years old.  We promise that we will be open, for better or worse, richer or poorer, about the pros and cons of such a decision.  We recommend that all Christians become involved in adoption is some tangible, direct way.  Start by reading Randy’s book Spirit of Adoption.  We must reverse the curse! 

We close this blog with a request.  If you are reading this blog and are blessed or in any way touched or affected by it, we'd love to hear from you.  Please leave us a comment and let us know who you are and where you're from, and your thoughts.  Perhaps you have been through adoption and have a story to tell.  We're all ears!  Just leave us a note!

God bless you! 

"I'm getting my forever family!"

We are so excited that we could not sleep last night.  The children have been told about us and their reaction was so overwhelming, particularly the oldest…”oh! I’m getting my forever family!”, she said. She wanted to know everybody’s names and what her room looked like.  It was hard to fight back the tears.  There was such a strong parental instinct that something of great value had just been found.  All the struggles that we’ve encountered along the way gave way to an overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement that children had just “found their way home”.  Later on in the evening we again became overwhelmed with a simple thought:  how we felt in that moment of hearing of the joy of a child who had found her home was exactly how our Heavenly Father feels when someone finds their way home to Him!  For a brief moment, feeling the heart of God toward His children, we see God revealing a fundamental truth....  Adoption is not just about giving a child a bigger room, a nicer meal or better clothes, it is an expression of God’s heart....It is a living, breathing, manifest representation of what happens when a man, woman or child finds his or her way to their Heavenly Father....there is a Heavenly joy released as the Father welcomes His created child into His arms.  Adoption is the tangible expression of what Jesus was trying to communicate to His followers in Luke 15:10 when He said "Likewise, I say to you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents."

This morning we sit here planning our trip to meet our 4 new children for the first time!  While waiting continues to be difficult, we have been busy preparing rooms, remodeling bathrooms, and working in the yard.  It is a version of the "Nesting Response" we suppose.  But whatever, its fun and the anticipation of receiving these 4 children into our home and hearts grows stronger as we prepare to travel very soon!  Did I say, "very soon?"  The words came off my keyboard and mouth, but they seem unreal.  We've been at this adoption thing for so long that we've become accustomed to thinking of this in the "fantasy" of our minds vs. the reality of our home.  But here we are, and like the children on a long trip saying "are we there yet?" for the fourteenth million time, the answer is finally YES, or at least so close that it is moving beyond the fantasy and into the "really, its just around the next corner!"  Speaking of children, we have noticed an increase of excitement and anticipation from our children as well.  The older are rearranging schedules to make sure they meet their new brothers and sister as soon as we get them, while the 10 year old is now planning games, events, and outings for his new siblings.  Until then, be blessed...

Patience may be a virtue but waiting is fattening!

I have found that although I am a very patient person, especially with children, I don't like waiting on things to happen. So to keep myself busy and my mind off of the waiting I have to find something to do and lately it has been making desserts. Thus the fattening side of waiting. Have you seen the movie "The Waitress"? What stands out to me in the movie is the pies she creates through the trials in her life. Since seeing that movie I have enjoyed creating pies and naming them according to what is going on in my life. This month has been especially fattening while we are waiting to travel to get our new additions to the family. 

I am sorry that the pictures are not that great but you can get the idea anyway. For some reason, the pictures turn sideways when they upload and I cant figure out how to turn them back. Trust me, they definitely tasted better than they look in the pictures.

It started out small, we just had "Movie night popcorn" while we waited for a match.....

Then came the referral and staffing and then......

.........Chocolate Whoopie Pies in celebration of being matched

  "Whoopie!-We-are-excited Pies!"

This was the Bavarian Creme Apple Pie made while my mom was in the hospital.

  "My mom is in the hospital and I don't know what to do Bavarian Creme Apple Pie"

This was the 

"Mom got discharged from the Hospital today Chocolate Pecan Pie"

made when she was able to go back home.

Then came the 

"Back to waiting on the paperwork Candy apples"......

Next came the 

"I wish they would hurry up and email me back Caramel Popcorn".......

And now

"I am so tired of waiting just bring them to us Caramel Cheesecake!"  

and the worst part is there are only 4 of us to eat all this stuff.

Russell said if we don't hurry up and get our kids he's going to be as big as Bo...

...our 3 year old bull!

Warrior Arrows

Some of you may have noticed a change in our blog.  Specifically, we have changed our name from "Boys in the Bulrush" to "Warrior Arrows".  Today, we'd like to explain the change.  When we began our journey on the path to adoption, we didn't know where to start.  We looked at dozens of options and agencies before deciding to pursue 2 special needs children from China.  Once on the path, we wanted to name our blog something that would reflect the idea of a journey that found 2 boys hidden in some disguised place, but nonetheless, there for us to find and welcome into our home.  The mental picture we had was of Moses in the Old Testament, when his mother floated him down the river and his floatation device came to rest in the bulrush where he was found and essentially adopted into the king's court.

As we have shared, for various reasons, we were unable to continue on the path to adopting these boys from China and we shifted our efforts to finding a sibling group in the United States.  Recently we were selected for a group of 4 siblings in the midwest and are now waiting to travel to meet them, hopefully some time in the next week or two.  The sibling group is comprised of a girl and 3 boys, so the mental picture of 2 boys in the bulrush began to break down a little bit.  This past week a new mental picture began to emerge in our mind based on Psalm 127:3-5 which says

 Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth.

Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them; They shall not be ashamed, But shall speak with their enemies in the gate.

We have always loved that verse and having our 'quiver full' of our own children. As we began to think of adding more arrows to our quiver through adoption, we felt like this was a perfect name for our blog. People have said that we are crazy for adopting 4 children at this point of our life.  And to that, we say, "yeah, we know.  We can give you a 1,000 reasons why we shouldn't adopt 4 children".  But then we continue..."we can give you 1 good reason why we should..."  Do you know what that reason is?  We believe that it is absolutely an honor and the most thrilling adventure that life has to offer to be a part of a child's life and have the opportunity to introduce them to the Kingdom of God and Jesus.  And here we are, totally blessed with 4 more!  Four more children that we can tell about God's love and the special place they hold in His heart!  Four more children in our quiver who are warrior arrows in the Kingdom of God.

Does life get any better, we ask?  What will it be like to stand before God our Father one day knowing that we had answered His call, sought Him for guidance, and introduced not only our biological children to Jesus, but these 4 as well.  Crazy?  Perhaps.  But life never really promised that everything would make sense...only that we would be accompanied by the King of the entire universe and that He desires to penetrate this world with His love.  We'll talk so more in the coming days about the thrill and why its so important to us.  Until we talk again...

Hope and Fulfillment

I must start today's blog with a passage from Proverbs.  Proverbs 13:12 says that, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life".  Many times I have quoted the first part of that.  I usually said it when I felt that life wasn't giving me what I wanted, when I wanted it.  It was sort of a way to say to God, "Hey, come on.  Answer my prayer, already!"  The ole "hope deferred" line also represented a certain frustration with life, not to mention a feeling of entitlement.  Historically speaking, none of those thoughts, feelings and even attempts to manipulate the heavens ever seemed to make much difference in the outcomes.  But today, I am reminded that life does, in fact, provide its moments when our desires are realized and something good comes our way.  My devotion this morning was from Psalm 35 and I noticed that in a difficult time David reminds himself that God does take pleasure in the "prosperity" of His children.  We wake up this morning with this wonderful feeling of having a desire to come to us.  Yesterday, we were informed that we have been selected to adopt 4 beautiful children pending one more interview that seems to be fairly perfunctory.  Finally!  After several years, the last 15 months of which have been up and down, we have found our kids!  Suddenly, life is full of energy and our hearts feel a sense of gratitude that God has placed this burden on our hearts to adopt and has now fulfilled that burden.  Although we are facing a few more weeks of waiting, administrative activities and of course, paperwork, we are finally going to receive our 4 new little blessings.  We could go on right now describing this moment and how it feels, but well save that for future posts over the next couple of days.  Until we talk again....