Managing your own need.

Today brought an interesting devotion from the book of Proverbs.  In the 25th Chapter, Solomon, the man credited with being the wisest man to ever live said these words:

 

It is not good to eat much honey;

So to seek one’s own glory is not glory [at all].

Whoever has no rule over his own spirit

Is like a city broken down, without walls.

 

One of the devasting effects of parental neglect is the development of narcissism.  Psychoanalysist, Heinz Kohut, once spoke much about the development of narcissism.  He concluded that everybody has a narcissistic need and that in normal development these needs are met through empathic parenting.  Primarily through empathy, children develop the skill of self soothing, feeling safe, receive nurturing and develop a sense of well-being in this world.  Without such parenting, narcissism basically goes unchecked, rules the day, and establishes an abyss of emotional need that demands satisfaction, i.e., its all about me, baby!   Those around such a person often avoid contact, run for the exit doors or tend to counter the self-centeredness with rejection and in worse cases, become abusive in efforts to "tame" the narcissistic demands.

 

Kohut's theory never made more sense to me than now.  We have seen first hand the emotional injuries of neglect and the resultant narcissism.  It is one of the more difficult aspects of parenting children who have been neglected.  Watching a child try to meet legitimate needs through narcissistic indulgence is painstakingly difficult and managing your own reactions is tricky.  If you're not careful everyone loses.  The child makes no progress in learning to meet his/her needs and the parents have just either avoided or scolded the child for their demanding behavior...thus, to seek one’s own glory is not glory [at all].    Solomon said it centuries ago.  But he also tips us on how to meet those needs.  It requires that you gain control over your spirit.  We’re talking personal responsibility not only for making good choices, but for meeting one’s own needs in legitimate, healthy ways.  To not do so leaves you without defense or protection, just as a city without walls is subject to invasion.  When you are seeking your own glory, the possibility that you will be met with invaders is increased, resulting not in needs being met, but legitimate needs being plundered and even exploited.   This explains why people who are sensitive to rejection seem to invite that rejection from others.  Seeking your own glory opens up your soul like a broken down city without walls.  You get whatever wanders up and enters in.  Perhaps the sojourner is good for the city, perhaps he is not.  Maybe the need is met, maybe the soul and emotions were exploited and frustrated one more time.  However, the one who rules over his or her own spirit is not so.  They let in what they know will be good for the city!

 

But then the question comes, "exactly how to do teach a child to rule over his own spirit?"  Particularly a child that has experienced such disappointment and whose sense of well-being has been shaken to the core.  To that we say, "stay tuned, we'll get back to you on that one!"  We know it has to do with consistency, emphasizing personal responsibility from each child, the importance of the truth, unconditional love from parents and establishing meaningful relationships.  Perhaps it requires other things as well.  If you've got an idea, let us hear from you!  We'd welcome the input!  Until next time...

Life's Audible at the Line of Scrimmage.

I'm not much of a football fan and I'm not terribly versed on the rules and lexicon of the game.  I do understand that plays are called in a huddle, the team breaks the huddle and heads for an imaginery line draw across the field even with the football and that this line is called the "line of scrimmage".  The quarterback then settles behind this great big guy who usually looks like for all the world that he's about to split out his pants and proceeds to bark out a bunch of nonsense "codes" and at some point in this strange sequence the guy who's about split out his pants snaps the ball back to the quarterback and the play starts.  But sometimes the quarter gets real uncomfortable with what he sees across that line and he calls what is known as an "audible".  This is when the quarterback decides to not go with the plan devised in the huddle and instead, switch the play right there in the middle of the action.  This past weekend, life called an audible on our family and man did it turn out to be a winning play!

Annually the male types on our family have gone on our "Boys Club Campout".  All the men and boys get together somewhere in the wilderness equipped with camping gear and plenty of good eats that are shared throughout the weekend, While the women and girls get together at our home for their own fun. We stand around a campfire much of the weekend, hike through woods and mountains, and generally give our best Daniel Boone impression before returning home to the women in our lives smelling like the great out of doors among other things!  This weekend the event for the guys was to be held at a state park nestled in the Blue Ridge Mountains in upstate South Carolina.  Our oldest son, Jason, went a day early to enjoy some R&R along with his 90 lbs German Shepard, Max.  The rest of us guys got up Saturday and began our journey to meet Jason and Max for the weekend in the park. We were all en route when the phone rang.  It was Jason letting us know that a heavy rain had set in, flooding the campsite, soaking everything he had, and that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to follow through as planned.  The "audible" was called and we decided to all invade the women folk back at our home in southeastern North Carolina.  Throughout the afternoon car loads of rugged warriors waylaid by the weather arrived at our house. 

Afternoon gave way to evening as everyone settled in to plan and prepare meals for what turned out to be 14 family members in our home.  People were laughing, playing and enjoying the time together as the meal was being prepared.  We realized that all of our children were present in our house, which is actually a fairly rare event.  But our four new children along with the others we've been loving for years were all present. Including our daughter in law (who is with child) and our soon to be son in law. In that moment we realized that God had orchestrated a wonderful time for our family to enjoy.  It was a "Little House on the Prairie" moment as we watched the new kids playing and interacting well with the older ones and the older ones enjoying one another as well as the new kids.  All were laughing, playing and there was such a strong sense of well-being and safety that permeated the atmosphere of our home.


The teasing and talks of who prayed for the rain went on and on......Was it Jason, the devout Carolina fan who was going up against Kentucky on Sunday? or was it Russell, the devout Kentucky fan? Could it have been Chris, the soon to be son in law, joining the camp out for the first time? Rumors had it that there would be an initiation into the family :)...he certainly had ample motivation to pray this one a wash out!  Or, was it Karen, who was supposed to be home with the four new kids for the weekend?  Or maybe it was just one of those collective unconscious things that moved Heaven to intervene for the good of the entire tribe.  

Whatever the cause, we could not have planned it any better if we had tried.   Children gathered literally from all over the country, having fun, enjoying the magnanimous blessing of family and all the best that offers us and there was the blessed peace of God and deep down joy that comes when you know that the Heavenly Father is watching over His children with great satisfaction.  The audible was called and the play generated huge gain.   We look forward to many more such moments.  Thanks to each of you for letting us share it with you today!

System Solutions vs Parental Solutions

This is a long post, but an incredibly important one.  We'd like to ask all our readers to please stay with us until the end.  Throughout the adoption process there are various snags, snafus and sometimes, even landmines to navigate.  The battle for orphans, their lives, their sanity, and their very souls can be intense.  With older children, if its not intense enough just dealing with their undersocialized, unstructured and at times, unruly behavior, it often seems that there is this collision of idealogies that exists between the systems that are charged with the care of these children and the parental philosophies of those who accepted the challenged of providing a forever home and parents.  We have encountered this collision of idealogies several times along the way while caring for our 4 new children. 

One of those collisions occurred recently when we received an email from our social worker outlining a conversation she had with the social workers from the children's placing agency. Our social worker indicated that there is apparently a court order for the placing agency and other state personnel to have contact with us and the children each month.  Additionally, we were informed that the children’s care plan allegedly calls for psychotherapy, play therapy and for some of our children, speech therapy. We have searched through our paperwork and could not find either the court order or a copy of the care plan. We saw a form that we signed obligating us to participate in a care plan development, but we have had neither participation in the plan and have not even seen the plan. This blog is intended not to bash the system or point out breakdowns in communication, but to express our ideas about the philosophy that drives these recommendations on the alleged care plan.  That is to say we are opposed to involving the children in all these various services at this time for several very important reasons.  We would like to express our ideas and what distinguishes them as parental ideas vs. system ideas of caring for children.

Our first idea focuses on the historical instability in the children's lives and the need for a strong season of stable bonding.  These children have moved so many, many times and to the point that they expect to move again any day now.  Every time we do our monthly post-adoption placement visits, our children's behavior regress unbelievably and it takes another 2-3 weeks, literally, before they settle back into a safe, secure routine.  Their behavior screams (sometimes literally!) of the fact that nothing has been stable in their life. You can observe, sense and feel their anxiety, as they wonder if they will be removed from the home, because after all, in their worlds, that's what the social worker does...removes them from home and places them in a temporary shelter.  They have been conditioned to an adult just telling them where they will be and taking them there.  No explanation of their long term future, just that you're safe and will be fed today.  Perhaps some of the placements have taken a shot at structure and instruction, but little investment in their long term welfare and destinies, if you will. 

 

Don't get me wrong, there is value in securing a child's evening or day, but at some point that care plan needs to shift to the long term vision and destiny of a child.  That requires concentrated effort that only comes through a bonded relationship.  We have spent the first 90 days trying to bond with the children and getting them accustomed to responding to our voice. The children are responding positively to this approach and developing a parent/child relationship that they have never known.  The process begs the question, Why do we want to introduce 1, 2 or more other voices instructing them right now?  In my opinion, which also includes 30 years of clinical psychology experience, that idea does not make sense at this time and is not a parental solution, but rather a system solution. Let me explain.

 

The system is overloaded with children and in many cases there are no reliable caregivers, thereby forcing the system to take on the voice of a parent. One of the system’s best options to fill this “parental voice” is therapy. Whether it is psychotherapy, play therapy, speech therapy, primal scream therapy or all of the above!  But what is the goal of such therapy?  Where does it go?  The standard answer is “to work out these issues” however “these issues” are defined.  In my career I've written many of these treatment plans and signed off on hundreds more.  The popular lines in the Individual Care Plan reads something like this:

 

BEHAVIOR:  child becomes easily angered and frustrated, fights with others, is defiant with authority figures

GOAL:  reduce angry outbursts from 10 times a day to less than 3 times per day

INTERVENTION:  individual outpatient psychotherapy

 

And then the plan goes on to outline timeframes, who is going to do what, when, how often, etc.  But we have to stop right here and ask an important question: If we are doing all these things in therapy, what in the world are the parents for?!  The system responds with a "yeah, well the parents may not X,Y,Z, and even if they do, the therapy is designed to support what the parents are doing!"  And to that I (Russell) say, "never kid a kidder!"  I know what the deal is.  And in most cases, the system is saying that because there is no parent doing the parenting and we (the therapists) assume the parental role of teaching, instructing, guiding both child and parent(s) if they will participate.  We operate as if we are the one best shot at being a guiding, structured, i.e., parental voice in that child's life...and for good reason...many times we are!   But this is not how life should be.  I am quick to say that the system, which is subject to its own transitions, e.g., therapist moves, maternity leaves, or decisions to change careers and go into real estate, is a weak substitute for positive, consistent parenting.  I know how the shelters, group homes and respite care facilities are staffed.  Well meaning, good people, with big hearts of compassion who care about the residents…for 8 to 10 hours a day for 5 days a week, maybe 6 days if there’s no one else to fill the shift.  They are generally minimally trained but usually supervised by a more educated individual…and this is the best case scenario...I don’t want to even talk about the worst!  These people come and go, impacting the moment with safety and basic needs, but having little vision for the life of the child because after all, next week the kids may be placed somewhere else or perhaps a better job opens up across town, or perhaps one is just flat burnt out and needs a change of vocational scenery.  The point is, this is in essence, trying to stop a hemorrhage with a Band-Aid!  While it sounds like I am bashing the system, I assure you that I am not.  I, of all people, recognize and know its strengths and weaknesses.  When there is no reasonable option available to provide stable, responsible and enduring care, the system is the best option.  However, when there is a reasonable option, the system should recognize its limitations in both practice and philosophy, back off and let parents do the parenting.  To bring it back to our children, we do not believe that introducing more “parental voices” to them is in their best interest, especially at this time.  It introduces “competing voices” and weakens or even interferes with, the bonding process between the children and us as their forever parents.

The second reason has to do with simple logistics.  To place the four children in these services at this time means anywhere from 10 to 20 hours a week of time spent either on the road or in an office somewhere.  This makes no sense to interrupt the children’s routine and structure in our home.  We have established a consistent routine with the children and they are responding positively to such structure.  We have noticed that any disruption in this routine, whether it’s a visitor, change in supper time or just doing something different, generates significant regression in behavior.  Let a social worker show up or a phone contact with a former social services worker, and it literally requires weeks of intense supervision to return the children to the previous higher levels of functioning.  To place the children in all of these services (1) limits our time with them developing bonding, and (2) disrupts routine and structure for the children.  It is hard to see that the potential benefits of therapy is going to be greater than us being with the children and providing a consistent, loving and predictable environment for them.  Again, if we saw that the potential benefits were greater than doing what we are currently doing, we would deal with that and certainly put the children in all these services.  However, we are not currently convinced of such benefits.

So, the battle for the future and welfare of our children continues.  It is intense and requires diligence, perseverance and patience.  We'd love to hear from some of our readers.  What are your thoughts?  Maybe some of you have had experiences.  What have those experiences been like for you?  Drop us a line in the comments section.  We have been greatly encouraged by many of you and your insights in the past.  We'd like to invite you to give us more!  Until we talk again...

Does it really take a Village?

Does it really take a Village?

 M. Russell Thomas, PhD

Taken from a full length article posted 2/14/11 to

www.simplesolutions4.com

 

 

            We have often heard the phrase that “it takes a village to raise a child”.  It is an old African proverb that suggests that children are raised best by a village of people who will help that child reach its full potential in life.  I would like to take a moment to address this philosophy and with all due respect, vehemently disagree with basic tenets which underpin it.  It is a philosophy designed by the father of lies and, while dressed up in sheep’s clothing, directly opposes the foundational truths of family.

            Before I present my case, let me go into just a little history of the adage.  It takes a village to raise a child allegedly has its origins in African culture.  It originated from the Nigerian Igbo culture and proverb Ora na azu nwa which means it takes the community/village to raise a child. It is interesting that The Igbo's also name their children Nwa ora which means child of the community.  Other African cultures have promulgated their own version of the proverb.   For example, in Lunyoro (Banyoro) there is a proverb that says Omwana takulila nju emoi, which means literally A child does not grow up only in a single home.  In another African language (Bahaya) there is a saying, Omwana taba womoi, which translates as A child belongs not to one parent or home. In Kijita (Wajita) there is a proverb which says Omwana ni wa bhone, meaning regardless of a child's biological parent(s) its upbringing belongs to the community.  Finally, Swahili, Asiyefunzwa na mamae hufunzwa na ulimwengu translates similarly to that of Kijita.

            More recent history on the proverb it takes a village to raise a child indicates that then, first lady, Hillary Clinton picked up the phrase and idea to write her 1996 book, It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us.  Ms. Clinton spun her political views regarding community, family and social structure based on this popular phrase.  While I have not personally read the book, reviews of the book suggest that Ms. Clinton’s politics and the worldview that shape her politics, were (and presumably still are) similar to that of the African tribes.  It is also noted that Ms. Clinton’s book became something of a political lightening rod, as several conservative politicians countered her ideas.  For example, in the 1996 presidential campaign, Republican presidential candidate, Bob Dole is quoted as saying,"... with all due respect, I am here to tell you, it does not take a village to raise a child. It takes a family to raise a child."  Nine years later, conservative Senator Rick Santorum wrote a rebuke to the book, It Takes a Family: Conservatism and the Common Good.  Both politicians apparently understood the fallacy in Ms. Clinton’s philosophy and political ideology.

            Now I’m not here to talk politics.  But since adopting our four children, Karen and I have been presented with this same it takes a villagementality multiple times.  However, its not in campaign headquarters, but rather coming from good, God-fearing brothers and sisters in the Body of Christ.  We have cringed every time we heard these words.  And before I go any further, let me say this is not to cast a judgmental stone at anyone.  To my shame, I too, have used the phrase and perhaps at some point have given place to some of its ideas in my own life.  But having had a sharp rebuke from God’s Spirit, I feel it important to bring this philosophy to Light as we hold its major ideological principles to the standard of God’s word.  But to all our shame who are in the Body of Christ, promulgating this ideology is promoting Satan's agenda, which is to destroy family and vomit his plethora of lies out on our family and society.  I'll tell you why Karen & I feel so strongly about this issue.

            What are the major principles of the It takes a village philosophy?  There are two messages immediately inherent in this philosophy that are designed to undermine parents and the family structure that our Creator has orchestrated to raise healthy, functional, and creative participants in this world.  The first message inherent in the it takes a village philosophy is that parents are somehow inadequate, in and of themselves, to raise a child.  The idea is that as a parent, you will need more than you and your family to produce a healthy, thriving adult.  So everyone is ready to jump in and give your child what he or she needs to mature.  Huh!?  Now please show in the scripture where God ever said to parents, “I’m going to bless you with this child and you, your neighbor, the garbage man, the banker, and the mailman are going to raise it!”  No, God said Children are heritage of the Lord like arrows in the hands of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.  Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of the youth (Ps 127:3).  Again, in Proverbs 22:1 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old , he will not depart from it.  The operative word there is “train”.  This is an active, dynamic verb that indicates parental effort and involvement with that child.  Not farming out that responsibility to every community entity that so eagerly await receiving a child into their particular philosophy and worldview.

            The second message of the it takes a village philosophy is that you and I as parents, should relinquish our parental responsibility and authority to others.  Or at best, that we should share that responsibility with others.  Again, let’s bring this idea into the light of scripture and see how it holds up.  Is there anywhere in scripture that says a parent should share their parental responsibilities and authority with others in the community?  Absolutely not! There were times when parents made a decision that it was perhaps in the child’s best interest to be raised by someone else (Moses comes to mind), but again, when the angel appeared to Mary and Joseph did he outlined a plan whereby they would share raising Jesus with others?  No, they understood that they had been selected to raise the most influential man of all history.  The angel gave them of vision of this child and who he was to become and it was their sole responsibility to move him toward that destiny.  Nowhere did the angel suggest this was going to be a village effort!  But rather, biblical culture understood that the foundations of family where parents involved in the training and socialization of their kids.  Paul said in Ephesians 6 and Colossians 3 for father’s not to provoke their children to wrath.  I submit to you that fathers whose children are being raised by the village need no such instruction!  This instruction was to fathers who embraced the responsibility of parenting and who bear the wait of raising healthy children.

            I’m going to stop right now and point you to read the rest of this article in its entirety next week.  It will be posted on our websitewww.simplesolutions4.com by Valentine’s Day.  I will simply conclude by expressing my concerns about how this philosophy is creeping into the Body of Christ.  It is a subtle sabotage and undermining of the Biblical foundations for family and raising healthy children into thriving adults.  But until we talk again, we thank you for reading and following our blog.

Bonding and attachment

Our new kids have been with us a month now and today is one of the more difficult blogs to write.  I'm not sure if I'm writing as a psychologist or father.  I suspect some of both.  But in the spirit of transparency we will try to convey to our blog readers what its like to receive a sibling group into your home with a background of moving from placement to placement throughout their lives.  We will now try to describe what we have observed as one of the most devastating impacts of neglect on a child.

One of the biggest surprises to us is the degree of "disconnect" our children have from others.  Otherwise put, the degree to which our children are deficient in their ability to attach, bond and empathize with others has caught us a bit by surprise.  When a child is neglected, a very deep, entrenched feeling of "my caretakers are not there for me" develops and behavior emanates from this core conviction that "I must take care of myself because nobody else is trustworthy enough and can be counted on to meet my needs".   The behavioral result is surprisingly devoid of empathy and awareness of others.  It is our constant chore to maintain order when toys are ripped out of each other's hands or when unkind words are spoken that seem to be designed to generate space and distance in relationships, i.e., make sure nobody gets too close, because after all, when it comes down to it, nobody is trustworthy and we're just one more behavior away from another placement.  When one child is praised for something, often another jumps in to try to "steal the spotlight", leaving the other child screaming in order to regain the attention.   We expected the bonding to be slow with us but we thought they were bonded to each other as siblings and that is not the case at all. They are not bonded to any one. I can only imagine what life must have been like for a baby that had no one to count on. What goes through a little childs mind when they are not nurtured and they have no one to connect to? What leads them to disconnect from everyone when by nature we are designed to connect?

 

Its easy to see these behaviors as defiance and/or rebellion.  We have come to a different conclusion.  The bruised heart of a child isn't that much unlike the new child of God.  God constantly pleads in scripture for our trust and confidence in Him.  He reminds us in Hebrews 13:5 that "He will never leave us or forsake us".  It is one of the most primative, basic needs of a human being to be connected and cared for.  When that need is frustrated and injured, the impact is profound.  Relationships are suspect, connections are only for the purpose of obtaining something, and a self-absorbed, egocentric way of life rules the day.

 

Now here's the good news.  The heart of a child is vulnerable.  It remains vulnerable to the warm embrace that assures that everything is all right and that mommy and daddy aren't going anywhere.  It takes some time to cut through the insulation that defiant, self centered behavior provides, but beyond that behavior is a heart that screams for the assurance that care and nurturing are in place and predictibly consistent.  We are just beginning to scratch the surface of this protective layer of disconnect.  We have found the general rule of thumb seems to be the older the child, the more entrenched they are in their "disconnect".  The task isn't that much different than sharing Jesus with adult.  For some reason, we all seem to have these protective disconnects that hamper our intimacy with God.  Like Adam and Eve, when they perceived that their Heavenly Father was not providing fully for them and decided to take matters in their own hands, so is the nature of a child.  Whether parents or preachers, our task is to love with a love that is so predictible, so compelling, so consistent, that disconnect melts and meaningful, stabilizing relationship rules the day.  It is in this context that people grow and thrive beyond all they ever thought what possible for their lives.

Congrats! to Chris and Jana!

We have been busily blogging about our journey of adopting, but there is more to our life than just our 4 new children.  A wonderful story has been unfolding in the life of our daughter, Jana.  To her we give a big shoutout this morning.  Why?  Because it finally happened for her.  She is officially engaged to be married!  Chris made it official last night with his own customized serenade just for Jana, followed by a proposal and ring.  While we knew in our hearts this was coming, the official announcement was sweet and special.  Chris is a wonderful young man who we welcome with open arms into the family.  But beyond the festive moment, their story is one that bares telling.  It is a testimony of God's sovereignty and kindness guiding 2 people through life until those lives managed to cross paths at the appointed time...the kind of stuff that make for wonderful "chick-flick" kinda movies!

 

Here's their story in a nutshell.  When just a young teen, Jana embraced the idea that she need not entangle herself with the standard routines of dating.  The idea of dating because everyone else is doing it or for whatever reason seemed credible on any particular day didn't appeal to her.  The idea of putting her heart out there to some pimple-faced kid (ok, ok, that's a father talking!) who would only squash it and then practice breaking up for some reason just didn't strike a cord.  Instead, Jana made a quality decision to guard her heart by placing it squarely in her Heavenly Father's hands.  There and only there, would her heart be safe as she waited for Him to bring her the man who would cherish it the same way that He has done for her all through her life.  Jana has waited patiently and God has finally brought that man into her life.

 

On the other hand, Chris also made the same quality decision to not date until he was ready to find his wife.  Unlike many teens, Chris made a decision to respect his parents, listen to their wisdom, and protect his heart as well.  Life ran its course, Chris waited patiently, involved himself in ministry, work and building strong, supportive relationships that would encourage him in his spiritual, emotional, vocational and mental growth.  In the process, Chris was able to focus on learning the lessons that would prepare him for this next season of life, mature as a young man, and serve others without the entanglement of "dead-end" relationships.  God has rewarded his decision with a beautiful young woman who loves him, God and will make him a wonderful help mate in life.

 

Some may look at Jana and Chris' path and question it, maybe even consider it "Old Fashion" or antiquated ideology.  To that I would say "poppycock!"  The truth is, there is not a one of us that doesn't wish that we had entered the wonderful bonds of matrimony minus the scars and bruises of prior relationships.  Again, the truth is, these 2 will enter their marriage without much of the baggage that most will carry entering the bonds of matrimony. 

 

In addition, the entire process of waiting has built character in Chris and Jana that will serve them well to make a successful marriage.  Think about it, what does waiting do for one's character?  Ok, first there's the ability to deny self and yield to another, in this case, yield to God's will and timing.  Second, relationship boundaries are developed.  I know that Jana had opportunity to date and see what guys were like had she chosen to do so.  But in not doing so, she established boundaries with men that will serve to protect her marriage in the future.  Same with Chris.  Third, Jana and Chris know what it is like to maintain joy while waiting for something you want.  Whether its a spouse, or a car or a house or a child, waiting can wear on your joy and peace.  The ability to maintain your joy in the midst of such wait is an incredible attribute to bring into a marriage.  Do you see how, in Chris and Jana's decision not to date until God sent their mate along, they have already built valuable skills into their relationship?  Anyone who's been married and is not psychotic would agree that some of the most important virtues that make marriage successful is the ability to defer to someone else, maintain boundaries in relationships outside the marriage, and release your joy and contentment while waiting for a desire to be fulfilled.  There are many more virtues developed but we'll stop here.

 

In closing, this part is for Jana and Chris.  I know Chris' parents would join Karen & I in saying that we are incredibly proud of you guys.  You did it right!  We know that God has a wonderful plan for your lives together and we look forward to watching it unfold...as well as grandbabies (in a couple of years)!  The two of you are wonderful example of trusting God and reaping the beautiful harvest of a "desire fulfilled is a tree of life".  We love you and pray God's continual blessing on your lives.

TRANSITIONING OLD TESTAMENT KIDS INTO NEW TESTAMENT SONS AND DAUGHTERS.

I sit down to write this blog today having attempted to do so many times this weekend.  To say that our 4 new children have created a new environment around our house is like saying Bill Gates has alot of money...it just doesn't capture the enormity of the situation!  Its been a stretch and at my age even stretching can be dangerous!  But in the midst of our chaos has been strength, new wisdom, an increase in our communication, and even revelatory moments.    I'd like to take a moment and share one of those moments.

 

Our new children are energetic, cute, lovable and exploratory.  Unfortunately, their energy often couples with their lack of understanding of boundaries, limits and respect for each others, creating unique and frequent meltdowns and mini crisis.  Their history of neglect and multiple placements lends itself to a plethora of issues including a very limited understanding of limits and boundaries, not to mention, basic issues of trust and safety.  I will be writing more as a psychologist on my website in the coming weeks (www.simplesolutions4.com) about some of these issues, but for now, I write as a parent along with Karen in order to describe what its been like to parent these 4 children over the past few weeks.

 

One of things that I noticed earlier this week was the response or lack thereof our children have to us.  We noted a major difference in the response of our 11 year old to us, who we have had since day one, compared to the four children we now have.  Our 11 year old responds to us because he understands our love and commitment to him.  In other words, we have relationship with him.  The other 4 have no experience base with such a relationship.  They do not respond to our voice because they do not yet have a safe, secure, trusting relationship with us.  God had the same problem with His children when they broke relationship with Him and the result was the Torah, or law.  In essence, God was saying "Let me set the standard for behavior; however, it won't be enough.  It won't heal your heart and it won't restore you to me." We have expereienced a similar "laying down of the law".  It is behavioral management by law, i.e., parenting Old Testament kids...and we know that while it may give some semblence of order in our home, it won't be enough to heal their bruised hearts and calm their deepest anxieties.  Old Testament kids understand the law while somebody is looking, but what happens when no one is looking?  Is there a heart connected to the father (and mother) that beats with their standards?  Do they consider consequences if the law enforcement is not observing them?  Of course not!  Behavior regresses to a different standard dictated by an inner fear and self-centered desire.

 

Do understand that these Old Testament kids are not there by their own choosing.  Shelters, foster cares, temporary placements, even school, all have their rules.  If you're a child going from place to place, you're not learning to love a person, you're simply learning to play by the "house rules".  There is no attachment, no loving oversite, no comfort when hurting...just rules to follow.  And following rules is everything.  It gets you TV time, trips to McDonald's, and maybe an occasional kudo from the case worker...but the deepest need for love, care, attachment and belonging go untouched.  The expectation is not for the feeling of inner comfort and security, but simply to stay out of trouble.  Anxiety stays at a heightened level, always wondering if you're in good standing or even good enough for the caretakers.  Such environments are in crisis management and behavioral containment mode as a way to manage dysfunctional and ineffective behavior.  The product is an Old Testament kid.

 

Let me explain the Old Testament kid further.  God has made it abundantly clear to us as humans that His desire for us is relationship, intimacy and fellowship.  It was the heart of a father trying to connect with His creation.  But then man had this little thing called "free will" and consistently chose to disobey and break that fellowship.  The result was the passing down of the law that included animal sacrifices and all kinds of mandates.  Man uses these things in an attempt to manage behavior and the result is religion characterized by laws, inability to measure up, and a notable lack of heart connection.

 

But God's heart didn't give up.  He had a plan to bridge this gap.  Its a sacrifice that doesn't just attempt to manage behavior so that we are good people, but a plan to pierce the heart and restore the wounded heart to Him.  A plan to institute relationship that scratches the deepest itch of need...the need to connect, feel safe, secure and belong.   A need for a selfless love that empties out safety into the emotional tanks of its recepient.  Needs that somebody is fully invested in your best interest and welfare.  What greater demonstration of that investment than to die for another?  It was that kind of act that restored it all.  Now behavior is motivated by love and respect, not mandated by law.  It is the creation of New Testament sons and daughters.  Anybody can be a kid.  You only need be born and exist with breath in your body.  But a son or a daughter, now that's a different story.  A son or a daughter is identified by the parents that love them and the family in which they grow.  A son or daughter carries the brand of the family, otherwise known as the family name, which tells them that they are loved and belong.  A son or a daughter is known by the mother and/or father that tuck them in at night and provide a loving environment in which for them to reach their full potential.

 

The cry of the orphan, the cry of every child who has gone without parents or been neglected, is not for law, but for love.  It is not just a mandate or restriction on behavior, but a healing of the bruised and insulated heart that once healed, generates a different kind of behavior.  That only comes through New Testament son and daughership made possible through relationship.  Our task is to transition Old Testament kids into New Testament sons and daughters.