Bonding and attachment

Our new kids have been with us a month now and today is one of the more difficult blogs to write.  I'm not sure if I'm writing as a psychologist or father.  I suspect some of both.  But in the spirit of transparency we will try to convey to our blog readers what its like to receive a sibling group into your home with a background of moving from placement to placement throughout their lives.  We will now try to describe what we have observed as one of the most devastating impacts of neglect on a child.

One of the biggest surprises to us is the degree of "disconnect" our children have from others.  Otherwise put, the degree to which our children are deficient in their ability to attach, bond and empathize with others has caught us a bit by surprise.  When a child is neglected, a very deep, entrenched feeling of "my caretakers are not there for me" develops and behavior emanates from this core conviction that "I must take care of myself because nobody else is trustworthy enough and can be counted on to meet my needs".   The behavioral result is surprisingly devoid of empathy and awareness of others.  It is our constant chore to maintain order when toys are ripped out of each other's hands or when unkind words are spoken that seem to be designed to generate space and distance in relationships, i.e., make sure nobody gets too close, because after all, when it comes down to it, nobody is trustworthy and we're just one more behavior away from another placement.  When one child is praised for something, often another jumps in to try to "steal the spotlight", leaving the other child screaming in order to regain the attention.   We expected the bonding to be slow with us but we thought they were bonded to each other as siblings and that is not the case at all. They are not bonded to any one. I can only imagine what life must have been like for a baby that had no one to count on. What goes through a little childs mind when they are not nurtured and they have no one to connect to? What leads them to disconnect from everyone when by nature we are designed to connect?

 

Its easy to see these behaviors as defiance and/or rebellion.  We have come to a different conclusion.  The bruised heart of a child isn't that much unlike the new child of God.  God constantly pleads in scripture for our trust and confidence in Him.  He reminds us in Hebrews 13:5 that "He will never leave us or forsake us".  It is one of the most primative, basic needs of a human being to be connected and cared for.  When that need is frustrated and injured, the impact is profound.  Relationships are suspect, connections are only for the purpose of obtaining something, and a self-absorbed, egocentric way of life rules the day.

 

Now here's the good news.  The heart of a child is vulnerable.  It remains vulnerable to the warm embrace that assures that everything is all right and that mommy and daddy aren't going anywhere.  It takes some time to cut through the insulation that defiant, self centered behavior provides, but beyond that behavior is a heart that screams for the assurance that care and nurturing are in place and predictibly consistent.  We are just beginning to scratch the surface of this protective layer of disconnect.  We have found the general rule of thumb seems to be the older the child, the more entrenched they are in their "disconnect".  The task isn't that much different than sharing Jesus with adult.  For some reason, we all seem to have these protective disconnects that hamper our intimacy with God.  Like Adam and Eve, when they perceived that their Heavenly Father was not providing fully for them and decided to take matters in their own hands, so is the nature of a child.  Whether parents or preachers, our task is to love with a love that is so predictible, so compelling, so consistent, that disconnect melts and meaningful, stabilizing relationship rules the day.  It is in this context that people grow and thrive beyond all they ever thought what possible for their lives.

Congrats! to Chris and Jana!

We have been busily blogging about our journey of adopting, but there is more to our life than just our 4 new children.  A wonderful story has been unfolding in the life of our daughter, Jana.  To her we give a big shoutout this morning.  Why?  Because it finally happened for her.  She is officially engaged to be married!  Chris made it official last night with his own customized serenade just for Jana, followed by a proposal and ring.  While we knew in our hearts this was coming, the official announcement was sweet and special.  Chris is a wonderful young man who we welcome with open arms into the family.  But beyond the festive moment, their story is one that bares telling.  It is a testimony of God's sovereignty and kindness guiding 2 people through life until those lives managed to cross paths at the appointed time...the kind of stuff that make for wonderful "chick-flick" kinda movies!

 

Here's their story in a nutshell.  When just a young teen, Jana embraced the idea that she need not entangle herself with the standard routines of dating.  The idea of dating because everyone else is doing it or for whatever reason seemed credible on any particular day didn't appeal to her.  The idea of putting her heart out there to some pimple-faced kid (ok, ok, that's a father talking!) who would only squash it and then practice breaking up for some reason just didn't strike a cord.  Instead, Jana made a quality decision to guard her heart by placing it squarely in her Heavenly Father's hands.  There and only there, would her heart be safe as she waited for Him to bring her the man who would cherish it the same way that He has done for her all through her life.  Jana has waited patiently and God has finally brought that man into her life.

 

On the other hand, Chris also made the same quality decision to not date until he was ready to find his wife.  Unlike many teens, Chris made a decision to respect his parents, listen to their wisdom, and protect his heart as well.  Life ran its course, Chris waited patiently, involved himself in ministry, work and building strong, supportive relationships that would encourage him in his spiritual, emotional, vocational and mental growth.  In the process, Chris was able to focus on learning the lessons that would prepare him for this next season of life, mature as a young man, and serve others without the entanglement of "dead-end" relationships.  God has rewarded his decision with a beautiful young woman who loves him, God and will make him a wonderful help mate in life.

 

Some may look at Jana and Chris' path and question it, maybe even consider it "Old Fashion" or antiquated ideology.  To that I would say "poppycock!"  The truth is, there is not a one of us that doesn't wish that we had entered the wonderful bonds of matrimony minus the scars and bruises of prior relationships.  Again, the truth is, these 2 will enter their marriage without much of the baggage that most will carry entering the bonds of matrimony. 

 

In addition, the entire process of waiting has built character in Chris and Jana that will serve them well to make a successful marriage.  Think about it, what does waiting do for one's character?  Ok, first there's the ability to deny self and yield to another, in this case, yield to God's will and timing.  Second, relationship boundaries are developed.  I know that Jana had opportunity to date and see what guys were like had she chosen to do so.  But in not doing so, she established boundaries with men that will serve to protect her marriage in the future.  Same with Chris.  Third, Jana and Chris know what it is like to maintain joy while waiting for something you want.  Whether its a spouse, or a car or a house or a child, waiting can wear on your joy and peace.  The ability to maintain your joy in the midst of such wait is an incredible attribute to bring into a marriage.  Do you see how, in Chris and Jana's decision not to date until God sent their mate along, they have already built valuable skills into their relationship?  Anyone who's been married and is not psychotic would agree that some of the most important virtues that make marriage successful is the ability to defer to someone else, maintain boundaries in relationships outside the marriage, and release your joy and contentment while waiting for a desire to be fulfilled.  There are many more virtues developed but we'll stop here.

 

In closing, this part is for Jana and Chris.  I know Chris' parents would join Karen & I in saying that we are incredibly proud of you guys.  You did it right!  We know that God has a wonderful plan for your lives together and we look forward to watching it unfold...as well as grandbabies (in a couple of years)!  The two of you are wonderful example of trusting God and reaping the beautiful harvest of a "desire fulfilled is a tree of life".  We love you and pray God's continual blessing on your lives.

TRANSITIONING OLD TESTAMENT KIDS INTO NEW TESTAMENT SONS AND DAUGHTERS.

I sit down to write this blog today having attempted to do so many times this weekend.  To say that our 4 new children have created a new environment around our house is like saying Bill Gates has alot of money...it just doesn't capture the enormity of the situation!  Its been a stretch and at my age even stretching can be dangerous!  But in the midst of our chaos has been strength, new wisdom, an increase in our communication, and even revelatory moments.    I'd like to take a moment and share one of those moments.

 

Our new children are energetic, cute, lovable and exploratory.  Unfortunately, their energy often couples with their lack of understanding of boundaries, limits and respect for each others, creating unique and frequent meltdowns and mini crisis.  Their history of neglect and multiple placements lends itself to a plethora of issues including a very limited understanding of limits and boundaries, not to mention, basic issues of trust and safety.  I will be writing more as a psychologist on my website in the coming weeks (www.simplesolutions4.com) about some of these issues, but for now, I write as a parent along with Karen in order to describe what its been like to parent these 4 children over the past few weeks.

 

One of things that I noticed earlier this week was the response or lack thereof our children have to us.  We noted a major difference in the response of our 11 year old to us, who we have had since day one, compared to the four children we now have.  Our 11 year old responds to us because he understands our love and commitment to him.  In other words, we have relationship with him.  The other 4 have no experience base with such a relationship.  They do not respond to our voice because they do not yet have a safe, secure, trusting relationship with us.  God had the same problem with His children when they broke relationship with Him and the result was the Torah, or law.  In essence, God was saying "Let me set the standard for behavior; however, it won't be enough.  It won't heal your heart and it won't restore you to me." We have expereienced a similar "laying down of the law".  It is behavioral management by law, i.e., parenting Old Testament kids...and we know that while it may give some semblence of order in our home, it won't be enough to heal their bruised hearts and calm their deepest anxieties.  Old Testament kids understand the law while somebody is looking, but what happens when no one is looking?  Is there a heart connected to the father (and mother) that beats with their standards?  Do they consider consequences if the law enforcement is not observing them?  Of course not!  Behavior regresses to a different standard dictated by an inner fear and self-centered desire.

 

Do understand that these Old Testament kids are not there by their own choosing.  Shelters, foster cares, temporary placements, even school, all have their rules.  If you're a child going from place to place, you're not learning to love a person, you're simply learning to play by the "house rules".  There is no attachment, no loving oversite, no comfort when hurting...just rules to follow.  And following rules is everything.  It gets you TV time, trips to McDonald's, and maybe an occasional kudo from the case worker...but the deepest need for love, care, attachment and belonging go untouched.  The expectation is not for the feeling of inner comfort and security, but simply to stay out of trouble.  Anxiety stays at a heightened level, always wondering if you're in good standing or even good enough for the caretakers.  Such environments are in crisis management and behavioral containment mode as a way to manage dysfunctional and ineffective behavior.  The product is an Old Testament kid.

 

Let me explain the Old Testament kid further.  God has made it abundantly clear to us as humans that His desire for us is relationship, intimacy and fellowship.  It was the heart of a father trying to connect with His creation.  But then man had this little thing called "free will" and consistently chose to disobey and break that fellowship.  The result was the passing down of the law that included animal sacrifices and all kinds of mandates.  Man uses these things in an attempt to manage behavior and the result is religion characterized by laws, inability to measure up, and a notable lack of heart connection.

 

But God's heart didn't give up.  He had a plan to bridge this gap.  Its a sacrifice that doesn't just attempt to manage behavior so that we are good people, but a plan to pierce the heart and restore the wounded heart to Him.  A plan to institute relationship that scratches the deepest itch of need...the need to connect, feel safe, secure and belong.   A need for a selfless love that empties out safety into the emotional tanks of its recepient.  Needs that somebody is fully invested in your best interest and welfare.  What greater demonstration of that investment than to die for another?  It was that kind of act that restored it all.  Now behavior is motivated by love and respect, not mandated by law.  It is the creation of New Testament sons and daughters.  Anybody can be a kid.  You only need be born and exist with breath in your body.  But a son or a daughter, now that's a different story.  A son or a daughter is identified by the parents that love them and the family in which they grow.  A son or daughter carries the brand of the family, otherwise known as the family name, which tells them that they are loved and belong.  A son or a daughter is known by the mother and/or father that tuck them in at night and provide a loving environment in which for them to reach their full potential.

 

The cry of the orphan, the cry of every child who has gone without parents or been neglected, is not for law, but for love.  It is not just a mandate or restriction on behavior, but a healing of the bruised and insulated heart that once healed, generates a different kind of behavior.  That only comes through New Testament son and daughership made possible through relationship.  Our task is to transition Old Testament kids into New Testament sons and daughters.

REVERSE THE CURSE!

Feelings are such a fickle thing.  One minute they tickle your fancy and the next they shake you at the core of your being. Adoption can stir them like a whisk stirs a cake mix!  Its been a little over a week since we received our 4 new children.  What a week its been.  We are feeling the need to be transparent about our adoption on this blog, knowing that many readers are either (a) parents thinking about adoption who need to understand some fundamental truth and emotion around adoption, or (b) already adoptive parents who will know when we are “shooting the bull”!  So for better or for worse we’ve decided to make our posts as transparent as possible without violating focus on the reason why we did this to begin with:  the deep, abiding conviction that God is calling His people to care for and win an enter generation of orphans for the Kingdom of God.  No matter what happens we are very much aware that we are simply “pinch hitting” for God here on earth with our children.

With that said, let us try to sum up our first week.  There are certain words that come to mind when we think of this week:  chaos is one.  Overwhelmed at times another.  Other descriptors include perpetual energy and perpetual crisis.  Yet others include needy, crying, broken keepsakes, interruption, screaming, stubbornness,and movement (lots of it).  But then there are some smiles, occasional moments of contentment, and laughter.

The reader may wonder at this point why in the world would anyone want all of this?  It’s a legitimate question.  We have asked ourselves the same question.  In fact, yesterday in my prayer time (driving in my car to an appointment) I (Russell) found myself a little overwhelmed, despairing and maybe even a little self-pity about the situation.  I asked the Lord to refocus me on why we did this.  That refocus came last night while reading Spirit of Adoption by Randy Bohlender.  He brought out an interesting point about the very last words in the Old Testament in the book of Malachi, which just happened to precede 400 years of God’s silence.  Those words tell us that before that great day of the coming of the Lord that the hearts of the fathers would turn to the children and the hearts of children would turn toward the fathers.  But as Randy points out, there were a few more words tacked on to the end of this prophecy.  “Lest I strike the land with a curse”.  The Old Testament ends with this beautiful prophetic picture, but also with a warning. 

We chose to enter adoption because we felt the call to do it.  We knew that the process would require battle and to some extent, we knew the process of raising the children would require battle.  Every time one of our new children, ages 2,3,4 and 7, ask us “Are you going to take us back to the shelter?” we understand the battle all over again (its been a common question this week).  It’s the same question that many of us Christians ask our Heavenly Father:   Are You going to disappoint us all over again?  Is it when I yell and scream?  Or maybe its when I don’t do what I’m told.  Or maybe its just because I’m too difficult, unlovable and needy that will send me back to the shelter this time.  It’s a question coming from the innocent, but war-torn, broken spirit of a child that wonders if there is anything in this world that can be trusted.  We have the chance, no the privilege, to answer that question with a resounding “No. You’re not going back to the shelter.  You are with us now forever!”  Its the same answer God gives His children:  No, you're not going back to darkness, no man can pluck you out of My hand now!  (see John 10:29).

Over the next few weeks we will be making some candid posts about what its like to adopt 4 sibling children at one time all who function on a social, emotional and behavioral age of about 2 years old.  We promise that we will be open, for better or worse, richer or poorer, about the pros and cons of such a decision.  We recommend that all Christians become involved in adoption is some tangible, direct way.  Start by reading Randy’s book Spirit of Adoption.  We must reverse the curse! 

We close this blog with a request.  If you are reading this blog and are blessed or in any way touched or affected by it, we'd love to hear from you.  Please leave us a comment and let us know who you are and where you're from, and your thoughts.  Perhaps you have been through adoption and have a story to tell.  We're all ears!  Just leave us a note!

God bless you! 

Finally arrived!

 

FINALLY!  Waiting for 9 months for a newborn baby was a piece of cake compared to waiting for our 4 new children!  But like the delivery room, when you hold that newborn baby pain is quickly forgotten.  Yesterday, our four new additions to our family arrived.  If this were football, they'd call it a "broken play".  Waiting on paperwork, missed flights, much later than anticipated, and one big Christmas party were all part of the moment.  We had planned to have them well before today but God's timing is always impeccable as 20+ people arrived at our house only a few short hours after our children.  In fact, it wouldn't be surprising if many of the guests passed the social workers as they sped back to the airport to catch a late afternoon flight back to their hometown!

 

But the scene was beautiful.  The social workers called when they were but a mile or two away from the house.  Jeffrey (our 10 year old) decided he would stand on stump of our recently fallen oak tree in the front yard.  As the social workers were looking for the house they inadvertantly passed by but would received some assistance from the kids: "You missed it!  You missed it! You missed it!  There's Jeffrey! Go back, go back!"

 

When they turned around and got back we could hear them screaming in the car when they came down the driveway :-).  Before the vehicle came to a complete stop, The oldest girl and boy literally jumped out of the  car and ran to us, immediately referring to us as "Mom" and "Dad".  Karen quickly got the 2 year old out of his car seat while the 3 year old got stuck in his car seat due to some mechanical malfunction with the seat belt.  He was getting irritated that he couldnt get out, mostly fearing that his siblings were gaining an edge in seeing their new rooms first!  They immediately wanted to see their rooms and when they did you could see the delight on their faces.  The boys proceeded to take out every toy in their room and play with them.  While snapping a number of pictures for the records, the social worker uttter the words "ya'll were REALLY ready for them...this is great".  The paper work went fast and then the 2 social workers wisked away in order to return to the airport by 4.  The good byes were quick as the kids continued to be enthralled with with their new home and in particular, their new toys!  They hadn't eaten lunch yet and it was already after 2 so we took the easy way out and got them mcdonalds.  There was an attempt to get them all down for a nap but excitement trumped fatigue and only the 2 year old nodded off.

 

Even as we were attempting the whole nap thing, family and guests were trickling in for the party.  There were over 20 people in the house and alot of activity ensued.  We weren't sure how all the stimulation would effect the children but they fit right in.  They played, ate and acted like they were part of the family since day one.  Each acted as if they never meet a stranger and blended in with whoever was here.  Our oldest daughter's fiance and his brother brought his guitar and played Christmas music.  As we all sang traditional Yuletid tunes, the kids sat amoungst us and listened.  To our surprise, they were amazingly so calm during that time.  We wondered if they had ever been around anything like that before but each seemed to enjoy the moment as they sat on laps and felt the warm embraces of new mom, dad, grandmothers, grandfathers, sisters, brothers and friends.  Karen said it felt like the scene in the movie "While You Were Sleeping" when Lucy (played by Sandra Bulluck) goes to the family Christmas dinner and even though there's all this activity and even chaos, feels for the first time the family she never had.  If the moment had been a movie they would have zoomed in on each kid and narrated their thoughts.  At the end of the party when everyone was leaving, Justice (7 year old girl) gathered all the punch cups and asked if she could do dishes.  She did and was so proud of it...and Karen was too!  I asked why she was washing the dishes and she replied, "I just wanted to help mom, she's worked so hard today". 

The evening came to close with friends and family saying their goodbyes and Karen's parents sharing Christmas gifts with the children.  The 4 year old boy opened his Buzz LightYear figure and instantly proclaimed "this is the best toy ever!" Later, as I got the boys down for bed, Karen spent some time with Justice, where she gleefully sported her new PJs.  She wanted to open her new Barbie doll and in a few minutes she softly said to Karen "this was the best present ever".  Karen thought she was refrerring to the Barbie and wondered what exactly the doll meant to her.  But then Justice clarified and asked "do you know why?"  And when Karen responded "why?" she simply said "because I got a family". 

 

The special moments continued this morning when Judah awakened to tell Karen that he had a dream:  "I dreamed about being in the shelter".  Then he quickly added, "I like this place alot better!" 

 

Words cannot capture the plethora of "special moments" that were packed into the evening.  From Justice's "I got a family" to Jaden's "I like you dad!" to Judah's "mom, I was dreaming about the shelter and I like this place alot better!" it was a special time.  In looking back over these first few hours with our new children I am again reminded of the Kingdom of God.  Jesus said "let the children come!" as He hoisted one up on His lap as the words rolled off His lips.  It is a wonderful thing when a child finds his or her home.  It reminded me of the verse in Luke 15 when Jesus spoke of the scene in Heaven when somebody finds their Heavenly Father and family:  there is joy in the presence of angels [when one finds their Heavenly Father].  As I watched our 4 new children enjoy all the benefits of family, I could not help but think about all the Heavenly benefits that we enjoy as part of God's family.  We are so abundantly blessed.  While some people get to talk about what the Kingdom of God is like, we got to see, first hand, what the Kingdom of God is like.  Friends, family, kids, all together, rejoicing in the His presence, flourishing in the connections that support and bind us together.  This is life at its best!  We are so thankful to all of our friends, family, children (the older ones), blog readers, and everyone else that have supported us and blessed us along this journey of finding our children.  The best is yet to come!

Christmas gifts

"The only thing left is to finalize the flights and buy the tickets" the social worker said on the other end of the phone.  We've been waiting for so long and the day is finally here.  Within the week, we will have our 4 new children and all of a sudden the struggles along the way seem to fade as we busily prepare for their arrival, as well as the holidays.  Karen is busy with holiday shopping and last minute preparations while Russell is working around the clock to remodel a bathroom.  Right now, we're a little numb from the process and even more overwhelmed with the last minute preparations.  But the excitement is hard to contain and we can't wait to receive these precious gifts into our home in time for Christmas.  We'll write a little more later in the week.  Until then...

Our Visit

We have just returned from our trip where we met our 4 new children.  Words cannot express the experience of meeting these 4 precious kids and the journey that we have taken in order to find them.  Some of that journey has been chronicled on this blog and it is only fitting that we try to convey the experience of meeting them for the first time.  Keep in mind, we have a girl age 7, and three boys, ages 4, 3 and 2.  Let me set the scene for you a little bit.  We spend 2 hours in a room with 8-10 workers who have cared for these children off and on over the past few years.  While we are enjoying hearing about the kids, we are chomping at the bit to meet the kids.  We are ushered to a place where the children have been cared for over a number of months and then further escorted into what appeared to be a small playroom with a one-way mirror streching completely across one of the walls.  There are a few toys, games and a small table in the middle of the room, as well as a couch.  We take a seat on the couch while one of the workers instructs us to remain seated while she goes in the back to get our children.  The tension is mounting as we anticipate this much awaited moment.  A few moments slip by and then we begin to hear children talking in the distance.  Their voices are getting louder and it is obvious that they are making their way to us.  The voices get even louder and it now approximates some kind of kid tsunami pressing toward us.  The door swings open and the four children, led by the eldest, come running into the room with their arms wide open and smiles on their faces!  It was a special moment that was both wonderful and awkward.  Their excitement gave way to pure, unbridled energy running untamed throughout this small room.  Games began to fly off the shelf, cupboards were emptied of stuffed animals and the 2 year old took to climbing up the furniture faster than we could introduce ourselves!  In a matter of minutes we were caught up in the pandamonium and found ourselves in "clean and safety" mode.  All the time the workers, now seated behind the one-way mirror, observe the interaction.  This went on for the better part of an hour or two.  The time in the room gave way to the suggestion that we take the children to dinner.  We had already determined that we would take the 4 children to Chuck E Cheese's and turn them loose...a decision we came to question some hours later.

Now fast forward to Chuck E Cheese.  Thank God we had our 22 year old daughter Julie, Karen's parents and Jeffrey (10 year ) with us.  We hit the door with these children and off they went like a squirrel tanked out on caffeine!  They went from one thing to another faster than any human being could possibly shadow.  We decided to not try to keep up with any one of them and instead surround the perimeter with a zone defense of sorts.  That is to say, we shouted across the game room warning each other that one of the children was about to enter their zone so they were now responsible for them!  This went on for 2 hours and the little tykes were like Everyready Bunnies...they just kept going and going and going.  More than once I asked myself what we had gotten into.  As Julie said at one point, she felt like she should go to the management and explain what was going on.  But when you've harkened to a Higher voice and leading, He shows up not only to calm your fears but illuminate your path.  We'd like to share that illumination if you will indulge us a moment.

As I (Russell) watched these children running completely unrestrained, undisciplined, loud and totally hyperactive across the game floor at Chuck E Cheese, I was reminded of a story told by one of my mentors in psychology.  Her story was one of a man who got on a subway train in New York City with 7 children.  He quietly assumed his seat while his 7 children rain wildly throughout the subway train, jumping on seats, hanging from the windows and screaming loudly.  All the time the man just sat there quietly and seemingly oblivious to his children's behavior.  Finally, a passenger who was obviously irritated with the children's behavior and the man's lack of discipline, stood up and approached the man.  In the most judgmental of ways, the passenger began to scold the man for his poor parental skills and apparent indifference to his kids' behavior.  All the while the man never responded or even acknowledged the passenger's words which further escalated the tension and agitation.  Finally, the passenger blurted out in pure frustration, "What are you thinking?  What's the matter with these barbaric kids?!"  The man slowly raised his gaze and replied, "We just came from the hospital where their mother just lost her 2 year battle with cancer".  Nothing else was said as the passenger returned to be seated. 

John 7:24 Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.”

Our knee jerk reaction, as humans, is not so much unlike that of the passenger.  Its easy to pass judgment when you don't know the circumstances.  We understood where our children were coming from even if the other patrons didnt. The next day we took the children to the mall. First stop was build a bear where they each made their own bear and kind of took over the store like a whirlwind and then to ride the carousel and eat dinner. All the while getting strange looks from everyone who passed by us. The children spent the night with us at the hotel and we all went down for breakfast the next morning. Again, they come in with so much energy and excitement at everything they do and again we get the strange looks and feel the judgments glaring at us. By the second morning in the hotel, the kids knew their way around and knew what they wanted for breakfast. As we all sat eating together, a lady approached me (Karen) and told me about her sister who had 6 kids and is pregnant with her 7th. She shared that she only had 3 and stopped at that. I knew the unspoken part of the woman's inquiry as the kids went whizzing by in a blur. It would have been easy to share why we were there and explain the energy the kids had.   But instead of responding with defense, I simply said, "I have 9".  The lady didn't have much else to say and Julie noted the surprise in the eyes of our new 7 year old daughter as she heard my response.  It was if she knew the routine: somebody trying to explain her behavior and in the process distance themselves from her lack of social grace.  Instead, maybe for the first time, she had felt the warm, gentle embrace of acceptance in her life that each of us human beings long for. I had to think that maybe God feels that way about us at times. Maybe He would like to explain our behavior or say "give them time, they will adjust" or maybe he would like to say to the church that is passing judgment on a new christian that they are new to this and need some love and acceptance. He doesnt explain us, He doesnt distance himself from us, He accepts us! Just as we are.

God uses all kinds of things to reveal His kingdom to a man or woman.  Whether its parting a sea or calming a storm or spitting in some dirt so that He can make a mud pie that heals blind eyes, He will find a way to speak a language that you can hear.  For us, He continues to use this miracle process of adoption to reveal His kingdom to us.  As we drove some 20 hours back from seeing our new children, we wondered if God isn't a little like we were watching these little children jet propel everywhere they went?  We wanted to gather these children, who have never known the stability of a home, in our arms and just say, "You don't need that behavior anymore.  You're found, you're loved, you're safe and you don't need to wonder or stress about where its coming from.  We've got you now, you're home!"  All of us have spent our share of time running through life wondering where its coming from...the love, the security, even the next resource to pay a bill when all along God had us in His sites saying, "You don't need that behavior anymore, you're found, you're loved, and you're safe with Me!"  Its what Jesus was trying to show us when He said, "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."  He didn't say stop running around or clean up your act, He just said "come".  We so look forward to our children joining us very, very soon and see how God shows up to meet all our needs as individuals and as a family.