System Solutions vs Parental Solutions

This is a long post, but an incredibly important one.  We'd like to ask all our readers to please stay with us until the end.  Throughout the adoption process there are various snags, snafus and sometimes, even landmines to navigate.  The battle for orphans, their lives, their sanity, and their very souls can be intense.  With older children, if its not intense enough just dealing with their undersocialized, unstructured and at times, unruly behavior, it often seems that there is this collision of idealogies that exists between the systems that are charged with the care of these children and the parental philosophies of those who accepted the challenged of providing a forever home and parents.  We have encountered this collision of idealogies several times along the way while caring for our 4 new children. 

One of those collisions occurred recently when we received an email from our social worker outlining a conversation she had with the social workers from the children's placing agency. Our social worker indicated that there is apparently a court order for the placing agency and other state personnel to have contact with us and the children each month.  Additionally, we were informed that the children’s care plan allegedly calls for psychotherapy, play therapy and for some of our children, speech therapy. We have searched through our paperwork and could not find either the court order or a copy of the care plan. We saw a form that we signed obligating us to participate in a care plan development, but we have had neither participation in the plan and have not even seen the plan. This blog is intended not to bash the system or point out breakdowns in communication, but to express our ideas about the philosophy that drives these recommendations on the alleged care plan.  That is to say we are opposed to involving the children in all these various services at this time for several very important reasons.  We would like to express our ideas and what distinguishes them as parental ideas vs. system ideas of caring for children.

Our first idea focuses on the historical instability in the children's lives and the need for a strong season of stable bonding.  These children have moved so many, many times and to the point that they expect to move again any day now.  Every time we do our monthly post-adoption placement visits, our children's behavior regress unbelievably and it takes another 2-3 weeks, literally, before they settle back into a safe, secure routine.  Their behavior screams (sometimes literally!) of the fact that nothing has been stable in their life. You can observe, sense and feel their anxiety, as they wonder if they will be removed from the home, because after all, in their worlds, that's what the social worker does...removes them from home and places them in a temporary shelter.  They have been conditioned to an adult just telling them where they will be and taking them there.  No explanation of their long term future, just that you're safe and will be fed today.  Perhaps some of the placements have taken a shot at structure and instruction, but little investment in their long term welfare and destinies, if you will. 

 

Don't get me wrong, there is value in securing a child's evening or day, but at some point that care plan needs to shift to the long term vision and destiny of a child.  That requires concentrated effort that only comes through a bonded relationship.  We have spent the first 90 days trying to bond with the children and getting them accustomed to responding to our voice. The children are responding positively to this approach and developing a parent/child relationship that they have never known.  The process begs the question, Why do we want to introduce 1, 2 or more other voices instructing them right now?  In my opinion, which also includes 30 years of clinical psychology experience, that idea does not make sense at this time and is not a parental solution, but rather a system solution. Let me explain.

 

The system is overloaded with children and in many cases there are no reliable caregivers, thereby forcing the system to take on the voice of a parent. One of the system’s best options to fill this “parental voice” is therapy. Whether it is psychotherapy, play therapy, speech therapy, primal scream therapy or all of the above!  But what is the goal of such therapy?  Where does it go?  The standard answer is “to work out these issues” however “these issues” are defined.  In my career I've written many of these treatment plans and signed off on hundreds more.  The popular lines in the Individual Care Plan reads something like this:

 

BEHAVIOR:  child becomes easily angered and frustrated, fights with others, is defiant with authority figures

GOAL:  reduce angry outbursts from 10 times a day to less than 3 times per day

INTERVENTION:  individual outpatient psychotherapy

 

And then the plan goes on to outline timeframes, who is going to do what, when, how often, etc.  But we have to stop right here and ask an important question: If we are doing all these things in therapy, what in the world are the parents for?!  The system responds with a "yeah, well the parents may not X,Y,Z, and even if they do, the therapy is designed to support what the parents are doing!"  And to that I (Russell) say, "never kid a kidder!"  I know what the deal is.  And in most cases, the system is saying that because there is no parent doing the parenting and we (the therapists) assume the parental role of teaching, instructing, guiding both child and parent(s) if they will participate.  We operate as if we are the one best shot at being a guiding, structured, i.e., parental voice in that child's life...and for good reason...many times we are!   But this is not how life should be.  I am quick to say that the system, which is subject to its own transitions, e.g., therapist moves, maternity leaves, or decisions to change careers and go into real estate, is a weak substitute for positive, consistent parenting.  I know how the shelters, group homes and respite care facilities are staffed.  Well meaning, good people, with big hearts of compassion who care about the residents…for 8 to 10 hours a day for 5 days a week, maybe 6 days if there’s no one else to fill the shift.  They are generally minimally trained but usually supervised by a more educated individual…and this is the best case scenario...I don’t want to even talk about the worst!  These people come and go, impacting the moment with safety and basic needs, but having little vision for the life of the child because after all, next week the kids may be placed somewhere else or perhaps a better job opens up across town, or perhaps one is just flat burnt out and needs a change of vocational scenery.  The point is, this is in essence, trying to stop a hemorrhage with a Band-Aid!  While it sounds like I am bashing the system, I assure you that I am not.  I, of all people, recognize and know its strengths and weaknesses.  When there is no reasonable option available to provide stable, responsible and enduring care, the system is the best option.  However, when there is a reasonable option, the system should recognize its limitations in both practice and philosophy, back off and let parents do the parenting.  To bring it back to our children, we do not believe that introducing more “parental voices” to them is in their best interest, especially at this time.  It introduces “competing voices” and weakens or even interferes with, the bonding process between the children and us as their forever parents.

The second reason has to do with simple logistics.  To place the four children in these services at this time means anywhere from 10 to 20 hours a week of time spent either on the road or in an office somewhere.  This makes no sense to interrupt the children’s routine and structure in our home.  We have established a consistent routine with the children and they are responding positively to such structure.  We have noticed that any disruption in this routine, whether it’s a visitor, change in supper time or just doing something different, generates significant regression in behavior.  Let a social worker show up or a phone contact with a former social services worker, and it literally requires weeks of intense supervision to return the children to the previous higher levels of functioning.  To place the children in all of these services (1) limits our time with them developing bonding, and (2) disrupts routine and structure for the children.  It is hard to see that the potential benefits of therapy is going to be greater than us being with the children and providing a consistent, loving and predictable environment for them.  Again, if we saw that the potential benefits were greater than doing what we are currently doing, we would deal with that and certainly put the children in all these services.  However, we are not currently convinced of such benefits.

So, the battle for the future and welfare of our children continues.  It is intense and requires diligence, perseverance and patience.  We'd love to hear from some of our readers.  What are your thoughts?  Maybe some of you have had experiences.  What have those experiences been like for you?  Drop us a line in the comments section.  We have been greatly encouraged by many of you and your insights in the past.  We'd like to invite you to give us more!  Until we talk again...

Does it really take a Village?

Does it really take a Village?

 M. Russell Thomas, PhD

Taken from a full length article posted 2/14/11 to

www.simplesolutions4.com

 

 

            We have often heard the phrase that “it takes a village to raise a child”.  It is an old African proverb that suggests that children are raised best by a village of people who will help that child reach its full potential in life.  I would like to take a moment to address this philosophy and with all due respect, vehemently disagree with basic tenets which underpin it.  It is a philosophy designed by the father of lies and, while dressed up in sheep’s clothing, directly opposes the foundational truths of family.

            Before I present my case, let me go into just a little history of the adage.  It takes a village to raise a child allegedly has its origins in African culture.  It originated from the Nigerian Igbo culture and proverb Ora na azu nwa which means it takes the community/village to raise a child. It is interesting that The Igbo's also name their children Nwa ora which means child of the community.  Other African cultures have promulgated their own version of the proverb.   For example, in Lunyoro (Banyoro) there is a proverb that says Omwana takulila nju emoi, which means literally A child does not grow up only in a single home.  In another African language (Bahaya) there is a saying, Omwana taba womoi, which translates as A child belongs not to one parent or home. In Kijita (Wajita) there is a proverb which says Omwana ni wa bhone, meaning regardless of a child's biological parent(s) its upbringing belongs to the community.  Finally, Swahili, Asiyefunzwa na mamae hufunzwa na ulimwengu translates similarly to that of Kijita.

            More recent history on the proverb it takes a village to raise a child indicates that then, first lady, Hillary Clinton picked up the phrase and idea to write her 1996 book, It Takes a Village: And Other Lessons Children Teach Us.  Ms. Clinton spun her political views regarding community, family and social structure based on this popular phrase.  While I have not personally read the book, reviews of the book suggest that Ms. Clinton’s politics and the worldview that shape her politics, were (and presumably still are) similar to that of the African tribes.  It is also noted that Ms. Clinton’s book became something of a political lightening rod, as several conservative politicians countered her ideas.  For example, in the 1996 presidential campaign, Republican presidential candidate, Bob Dole is quoted as saying,"... with all due respect, I am here to tell you, it does not take a village to raise a child. It takes a family to raise a child."  Nine years later, conservative Senator Rick Santorum wrote a rebuke to the book, It Takes a Family: Conservatism and the Common Good.  Both politicians apparently understood the fallacy in Ms. Clinton’s philosophy and political ideology.

            Now I’m not here to talk politics.  But since adopting our four children, Karen and I have been presented with this same it takes a villagementality multiple times.  However, its not in campaign headquarters, but rather coming from good, God-fearing brothers and sisters in the Body of Christ.  We have cringed every time we heard these words.  And before I go any further, let me say this is not to cast a judgmental stone at anyone.  To my shame, I too, have used the phrase and perhaps at some point have given place to some of its ideas in my own life.  But having had a sharp rebuke from God’s Spirit, I feel it important to bring this philosophy to Light as we hold its major ideological principles to the standard of God’s word.  But to all our shame who are in the Body of Christ, promulgating this ideology is promoting Satan's agenda, which is to destroy family and vomit his plethora of lies out on our family and society.  I'll tell you why Karen & I feel so strongly about this issue.

            What are the major principles of the It takes a village philosophy?  There are two messages immediately inherent in this philosophy that are designed to undermine parents and the family structure that our Creator has orchestrated to raise healthy, functional, and creative participants in this world.  The first message inherent in the it takes a village philosophy is that parents are somehow inadequate, in and of themselves, to raise a child.  The idea is that as a parent, you will need more than you and your family to produce a healthy, thriving adult.  So everyone is ready to jump in and give your child what he or she needs to mature.  Huh!?  Now please show in the scripture where God ever said to parents, “I’m going to bless you with this child and you, your neighbor, the garbage man, the banker, and the mailman are going to raise it!”  No, God said Children are heritage of the Lord like arrows in the hands of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth.  Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of the youth (Ps 127:3).  Again, in Proverbs 22:1 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old , he will not depart from it.  The operative word there is “train”.  This is an active, dynamic verb that indicates parental effort and involvement with that child.  Not farming out that responsibility to every community entity that so eagerly await receiving a child into their particular philosophy and worldview.

            The second message of the it takes a village philosophy is that you and I as parents, should relinquish our parental responsibility and authority to others.  Or at best, that we should share that responsibility with others.  Again, let’s bring this idea into the light of scripture and see how it holds up.  Is there anywhere in scripture that says a parent should share their parental responsibilities and authority with others in the community?  Absolutely not! There were times when parents made a decision that it was perhaps in the child’s best interest to be raised by someone else (Moses comes to mind), but again, when the angel appeared to Mary and Joseph did he outlined a plan whereby they would share raising Jesus with others?  No, they understood that they had been selected to raise the most influential man of all history.  The angel gave them of vision of this child and who he was to become and it was their sole responsibility to move him toward that destiny.  Nowhere did the angel suggest this was going to be a village effort!  But rather, biblical culture understood that the foundations of family where parents involved in the training and socialization of their kids.  Paul said in Ephesians 6 and Colossians 3 for father’s not to provoke their children to wrath.  I submit to you that fathers whose children are being raised by the village need no such instruction!  This instruction was to fathers who embraced the responsibility of parenting and who bear the wait of raising healthy children.

            I’m going to stop right now and point you to read the rest of this article in its entirety next week.  It will be posted on our websitewww.simplesolutions4.com by Valentine’s Day.  I will simply conclude by expressing my concerns about how this philosophy is creeping into the Body of Christ.  It is a subtle sabotage and undermining of the Biblical foundations for family and raising healthy children into thriving adults.  But until we talk again, we thank you for reading and following our blog.

Bonding and attachment

Our new kids have been with us a month now and today is one of the more difficult blogs to write.  I'm not sure if I'm writing as a psychologist or father.  I suspect some of both.  But in the spirit of transparency we will try to convey to our blog readers what its like to receive a sibling group into your home with a background of moving from placement to placement throughout their lives.  We will now try to describe what we have observed as one of the most devastating impacts of neglect on a child.

One of the biggest surprises to us is the degree of "disconnect" our children have from others.  Otherwise put, the degree to which our children are deficient in their ability to attach, bond and empathize with others has caught us a bit by surprise.  When a child is neglected, a very deep, entrenched feeling of "my caretakers are not there for me" develops and behavior emanates from this core conviction that "I must take care of myself because nobody else is trustworthy enough and can be counted on to meet my needs".   The behavioral result is surprisingly devoid of empathy and awareness of others.  It is our constant chore to maintain order when toys are ripped out of each other's hands or when unkind words are spoken that seem to be designed to generate space and distance in relationships, i.e., make sure nobody gets too close, because after all, when it comes down to it, nobody is trustworthy and we're just one more behavior away from another placement.  When one child is praised for something, often another jumps in to try to "steal the spotlight", leaving the other child screaming in order to regain the attention.   We expected the bonding to be slow with us but we thought they were bonded to each other as siblings and that is not the case at all. They are not bonded to any one. I can only imagine what life must have been like for a baby that had no one to count on. What goes through a little childs mind when they are not nurtured and they have no one to connect to? What leads them to disconnect from everyone when by nature we are designed to connect?

 

Its easy to see these behaviors as defiance and/or rebellion.  We have come to a different conclusion.  The bruised heart of a child isn't that much unlike the new child of God.  God constantly pleads in scripture for our trust and confidence in Him.  He reminds us in Hebrews 13:5 that "He will never leave us or forsake us".  It is one of the most primative, basic needs of a human being to be connected and cared for.  When that need is frustrated and injured, the impact is profound.  Relationships are suspect, connections are only for the purpose of obtaining something, and a self-absorbed, egocentric way of life rules the day.

 

Now here's the good news.  The heart of a child is vulnerable.  It remains vulnerable to the warm embrace that assures that everything is all right and that mommy and daddy aren't going anywhere.  It takes some time to cut through the insulation that defiant, self centered behavior provides, but beyond that behavior is a heart that screams for the assurance that care and nurturing are in place and predictibly consistent.  We are just beginning to scratch the surface of this protective layer of disconnect.  We have found the general rule of thumb seems to be the older the child, the more entrenched they are in their "disconnect".  The task isn't that much different than sharing Jesus with adult.  For some reason, we all seem to have these protective disconnects that hamper our intimacy with God.  Like Adam and Eve, when they perceived that their Heavenly Father was not providing fully for them and decided to take matters in their own hands, so is the nature of a child.  Whether parents or preachers, our task is to love with a love that is so predictible, so compelling, so consistent, that disconnect melts and meaningful, stabilizing relationship rules the day.  It is in this context that people grow and thrive beyond all they ever thought what possible for their lives.

Congrats! to Chris and Jana!

We have been busily blogging about our journey of adopting, but there is more to our life than just our 4 new children.  A wonderful story has been unfolding in the life of our daughter, Jana.  To her we give a big shoutout this morning.  Why?  Because it finally happened for her.  She is officially engaged to be married!  Chris made it official last night with his own customized serenade just for Jana, followed by a proposal and ring.  While we knew in our hearts this was coming, the official announcement was sweet and special.  Chris is a wonderful young man who we welcome with open arms into the family.  But beyond the festive moment, their story is one that bares telling.  It is a testimony of God's sovereignty and kindness guiding 2 people through life until those lives managed to cross paths at the appointed time...the kind of stuff that make for wonderful "chick-flick" kinda movies!

 

Here's their story in a nutshell.  When just a young teen, Jana embraced the idea that she need not entangle herself with the standard routines of dating.  The idea of dating because everyone else is doing it or for whatever reason seemed credible on any particular day didn't appeal to her.  The idea of putting her heart out there to some pimple-faced kid (ok, ok, that's a father talking!) who would only squash it and then practice breaking up for some reason just didn't strike a cord.  Instead, Jana made a quality decision to guard her heart by placing it squarely in her Heavenly Father's hands.  There and only there, would her heart be safe as she waited for Him to bring her the man who would cherish it the same way that He has done for her all through her life.  Jana has waited patiently and God has finally brought that man into her life.

 

On the other hand, Chris also made the same quality decision to not date until he was ready to find his wife.  Unlike many teens, Chris made a decision to respect his parents, listen to their wisdom, and protect his heart as well.  Life ran its course, Chris waited patiently, involved himself in ministry, work and building strong, supportive relationships that would encourage him in his spiritual, emotional, vocational and mental growth.  In the process, Chris was able to focus on learning the lessons that would prepare him for this next season of life, mature as a young man, and serve others without the entanglement of "dead-end" relationships.  God has rewarded his decision with a beautiful young woman who loves him, God and will make him a wonderful help mate in life.

 

Some may look at Jana and Chris' path and question it, maybe even consider it "Old Fashion" or antiquated ideology.  To that I would say "poppycock!"  The truth is, there is not a one of us that doesn't wish that we had entered the wonderful bonds of matrimony minus the scars and bruises of prior relationships.  Again, the truth is, these 2 will enter their marriage without much of the baggage that most will carry entering the bonds of matrimony. 

 

In addition, the entire process of waiting has built character in Chris and Jana that will serve them well to make a successful marriage.  Think about it, what does waiting do for one's character?  Ok, first there's the ability to deny self and yield to another, in this case, yield to God's will and timing.  Second, relationship boundaries are developed.  I know that Jana had opportunity to date and see what guys were like had she chosen to do so.  But in not doing so, she established boundaries with men that will serve to protect her marriage in the future.  Same with Chris.  Third, Jana and Chris know what it is like to maintain joy while waiting for something you want.  Whether its a spouse, or a car or a house or a child, waiting can wear on your joy and peace.  The ability to maintain your joy in the midst of such wait is an incredible attribute to bring into a marriage.  Do you see how, in Chris and Jana's decision not to date until God sent their mate along, they have already built valuable skills into their relationship?  Anyone who's been married and is not psychotic would agree that some of the most important virtues that make marriage successful is the ability to defer to someone else, maintain boundaries in relationships outside the marriage, and release your joy and contentment while waiting for a desire to be fulfilled.  There are many more virtues developed but we'll stop here.

 

In closing, this part is for Jana and Chris.  I know Chris' parents would join Karen & I in saying that we are incredibly proud of you guys.  You did it right!  We know that God has a wonderful plan for your lives together and we look forward to watching it unfold...as well as grandbabies (in a couple of years)!  The two of you are wonderful example of trusting God and reaping the beautiful harvest of a "desire fulfilled is a tree of life".  We love you and pray God's continual blessing on your lives.

TRANSITIONING OLD TESTAMENT KIDS INTO NEW TESTAMENT SONS AND DAUGHTERS.

I sit down to write this blog today having attempted to do so many times this weekend.  To say that our 4 new children have created a new environment around our house is like saying Bill Gates has alot of money...it just doesn't capture the enormity of the situation!  Its been a stretch and at my age even stretching can be dangerous!  But in the midst of our chaos has been strength, new wisdom, an increase in our communication, and even revelatory moments.    I'd like to take a moment and share one of those moments.

 

Our new children are energetic, cute, lovable and exploratory.  Unfortunately, their energy often couples with their lack of understanding of boundaries, limits and respect for each others, creating unique and frequent meltdowns and mini crisis.  Their history of neglect and multiple placements lends itself to a plethora of issues including a very limited understanding of limits and boundaries, not to mention, basic issues of trust and safety.  I will be writing more as a psychologist on my website in the coming weeks (www.simplesolutions4.com) about some of these issues, but for now, I write as a parent along with Karen in order to describe what its been like to parent these 4 children over the past few weeks.

 

One of things that I noticed earlier this week was the response or lack thereof our children have to us.  We noted a major difference in the response of our 11 year old to us, who we have had since day one, compared to the four children we now have.  Our 11 year old responds to us because he understands our love and commitment to him.  In other words, we have relationship with him.  The other 4 have no experience base with such a relationship.  They do not respond to our voice because they do not yet have a safe, secure, trusting relationship with us.  God had the same problem with His children when they broke relationship with Him and the result was the Torah, or law.  In essence, God was saying "Let me set the standard for behavior; however, it won't be enough.  It won't heal your heart and it won't restore you to me." We have expereienced a similar "laying down of the law".  It is behavioral management by law, i.e., parenting Old Testament kids...and we know that while it may give some semblence of order in our home, it won't be enough to heal their bruised hearts and calm their deepest anxieties.  Old Testament kids understand the law while somebody is looking, but what happens when no one is looking?  Is there a heart connected to the father (and mother) that beats with their standards?  Do they consider consequences if the law enforcement is not observing them?  Of course not!  Behavior regresses to a different standard dictated by an inner fear and self-centered desire.

 

Do understand that these Old Testament kids are not there by their own choosing.  Shelters, foster cares, temporary placements, even school, all have their rules.  If you're a child going from place to place, you're not learning to love a person, you're simply learning to play by the "house rules".  There is no attachment, no loving oversite, no comfort when hurting...just rules to follow.  And following rules is everything.  It gets you TV time, trips to McDonald's, and maybe an occasional kudo from the case worker...but the deepest need for love, care, attachment and belonging go untouched.  The expectation is not for the feeling of inner comfort and security, but simply to stay out of trouble.  Anxiety stays at a heightened level, always wondering if you're in good standing or even good enough for the caretakers.  Such environments are in crisis management and behavioral containment mode as a way to manage dysfunctional and ineffective behavior.  The product is an Old Testament kid.

 

Let me explain the Old Testament kid further.  God has made it abundantly clear to us as humans that His desire for us is relationship, intimacy and fellowship.  It was the heart of a father trying to connect with His creation.  But then man had this little thing called "free will" and consistently chose to disobey and break that fellowship.  The result was the passing down of the law that included animal sacrifices and all kinds of mandates.  Man uses these things in an attempt to manage behavior and the result is religion characterized by laws, inability to measure up, and a notable lack of heart connection.

 

But God's heart didn't give up.  He had a plan to bridge this gap.  Its a sacrifice that doesn't just attempt to manage behavior so that we are good people, but a plan to pierce the heart and restore the wounded heart to Him.  A plan to institute relationship that scratches the deepest itch of need...the need to connect, feel safe, secure and belong.   A need for a selfless love that empties out safety into the emotional tanks of its recepient.  Needs that somebody is fully invested in your best interest and welfare.  What greater demonstration of that investment than to die for another?  It was that kind of act that restored it all.  Now behavior is motivated by love and respect, not mandated by law.  It is the creation of New Testament sons and daughters.  Anybody can be a kid.  You only need be born and exist with breath in your body.  But a son or a daughter, now that's a different story.  A son or a daughter is identified by the parents that love them and the family in which they grow.  A son or daughter carries the brand of the family, otherwise known as the family name, which tells them that they are loved and belong.  A son or a daughter is known by the mother and/or father that tuck them in at night and provide a loving environment in which for them to reach their full potential.

 

The cry of the orphan, the cry of every child who has gone without parents or been neglected, is not for law, but for love.  It is not just a mandate or restriction on behavior, but a healing of the bruised and insulated heart that once healed, generates a different kind of behavior.  That only comes through New Testament son and daughership made possible through relationship.  Our task is to transition Old Testament kids into New Testament sons and daughters.

REVERSE THE CURSE!

Feelings are such a fickle thing.  One minute they tickle your fancy and the next they shake you at the core of your being. Adoption can stir them like a whisk stirs a cake mix!  Its been a little over a week since we received our 4 new children.  What a week its been.  We are feeling the need to be transparent about our adoption on this blog, knowing that many readers are either (a) parents thinking about adoption who need to understand some fundamental truth and emotion around adoption, or (b) already adoptive parents who will know when we are “shooting the bull”!  So for better or for worse we’ve decided to make our posts as transparent as possible without violating focus on the reason why we did this to begin with:  the deep, abiding conviction that God is calling His people to care for and win an enter generation of orphans for the Kingdom of God.  No matter what happens we are very much aware that we are simply “pinch hitting” for God here on earth with our children.

With that said, let us try to sum up our first week.  There are certain words that come to mind when we think of this week:  chaos is one.  Overwhelmed at times another.  Other descriptors include perpetual energy and perpetual crisis.  Yet others include needy, crying, broken keepsakes, interruption, screaming, stubbornness,and movement (lots of it).  But then there are some smiles, occasional moments of contentment, and laughter.

The reader may wonder at this point why in the world would anyone want all of this?  It’s a legitimate question.  We have asked ourselves the same question.  In fact, yesterday in my prayer time (driving in my car to an appointment) I (Russell) found myself a little overwhelmed, despairing and maybe even a little self-pity about the situation.  I asked the Lord to refocus me on why we did this.  That refocus came last night while reading Spirit of Adoption by Randy Bohlender.  He brought out an interesting point about the very last words in the Old Testament in the book of Malachi, which just happened to precede 400 years of God’s silence.  Those words tell us that before that great day of the coming of the Lord that the hearts of the fathers would turn to the children and the hearts of children would turn toward the fathers.  But as Randy points out, there were a few more words tacked on to the end of this prophecy.  “Lest I strike the land with a curse”.  The Old Testament ends with this beautiful prophetic picture, but also with a warning. 

We chose to enter adoption because we felt the call to do it.  We knew that the process would require battle and to some extent, we knew the process of raising the children would require battle.  Every time one of our new children, ages 2,3,4 and 7, ask us “Are you going to take us back to the shelter?” we understand the battle all over again (its been a common question this week).  It’s the same question that many of us Christians ask our Heavenly Father:   Are You going to disappoint us all over again?  Is it when I yell and scream?  Or maybe its when I don’t do what I’m told.  Or maybe its just because I’m too difficult, unlovable and needy that will send me back to the shelter this time.  It’s a question coming from the innocent, but war-torn, broken spirit of a child that wonders if there is anything in this world that can be trusted.  We have the chance, no the privilege, to answer that question with a resounding “No. You’re not going back to the shelter.  You are with us now forever!”  Its the same answer God gives His children:  No, you're not going back to darkness, no man can pluck you out of My hand now!  (see John 10:29).

Over the next few weeks we will be making some candid posts about what its like to adopt 4 sibling children at one time all who function on a social, emotional and behavioral age of about 2 years old.  We promise that we will be open, for better or worse, richer or poorer, about the pros and cons of such a decision.  We recommend that all Christians become involved in adoption is some tangible, direct way.  Start by reading Randy’s book Spirit of Adoption.  We must reverse the curse! 

We close this blog with a request.  If you are reading this blog and are blessed or in any way touched or affected by it, we'd love to hear from you.  Please leave us a comment and let us know who you are and where you're from, and your thoughts.  Perhaps you have been through adoption and have a story to tell.  We're all ears!  Just leave us a note!

God bless you! 

Finally arrived!

 

FINALLY!  Waiting for 9 months for a newborn baby was a piece of cake compared to waiting for our 4 new children!  But like the delivery room, when you hold that newborn baby pain is quickly forgotten.  Yesterday, our four new additions to our family arrived.  If this were football, they'd call it a "broken play".  Waiting on paperwork, missed flights, much later than anticipated, and one big Christmas party were all part of the moment.  We had planned to have them well before today but God's timing is always impeccable as 20+ people arrived at our house only a few short hours after our children.  In fact, it wouldn't be surprising if many of the guests passed the social workers as they sped back to the airport to catch a late afternoon flight back to their hometown!

 

But the scene was beautiful.  The social workers called when they were but a mile or two away from the house.  Jeffrey (our 10 year old) decided he would stand on stump of our recently fallen oak tree in the front yard.  As the social workers were looking for the house they inadvertantly passed by but would received some assistance from the kids: "You missed it!  You missed it! You missed it!  There's Jeffrey! Go back, go back!"

 

When they turned around and got back we could hear them screaming in the car when they came down the driveway :-).  Before the vehicle came to a complete stop, The oldest girl and boy literally jumped out of the  car and ran to us, immediately referring to us as "Mom" and "Dad".  Karen quickly got the 2 year old out of his car seat while the 3 year old got stuck in his car seat due to some mechanical malfunction with the seat belt.  He was getting irritated that he couldnt get out, mostly fearing that his siblings were gaining an edge in seeing their new rooms first!  They immediately wanted to see their rooms and when they did you could see the delight on their faces.  The boys proceeded to take out every toy in their room and play with them.  While snapping a number of pictures for the records, the social worker uttter the words "ya'll were REALLY ready for them...this is great".  The paper work went fast and then the 2 social workers wisked away in order to return to the airport by 4.  The good byes were quick as the kids continued to be enthralled with with their new home and in particular, their new toys!  They hadn't eaten lunch yet and it was already after 2 so we took the easy way out and got them mcdonalds.  There was an attempt to get them all down for a nap but excitement trumped fatigue and only the 2 year old nodded off.

 

Even as we were attempting the whole nap thing, family and guests were trickling in for the party.  There were over 20 people in the house and alot of activity ensued.  We weren't sure how all the stimulation would effect the children but they fit right in.  They played, ate and acted like they were part of the family since day one.  Each acted as if they never meet a stranger and blended in with whoever was here.  Our oldest daughter's fiance and his brother brought his guitar and played Christmas music.  As we all sang traditional Yuletid tunes, the kids sat amoungst us and listened.  To our surprise, they were amazingly so calm during that time.  We wondered if they had ever been around anything like that before but each seemed to enjoy the moment as they sat on laps and felt the warm embraces of new mom, dad, grandmothers, grandfathers, sisters, brothers and friends.  Karen said it felt like the scene in the movie "While You Were Sleeping" when Lucy (played by Sandra Bulluck) goes to the family Christmas dinner and even though there's all this activity and even chaos, feels for the first time the family she never had.  If the moment had been a movie they would have zoomed in on each kid and narrated their thoughts.  At the end of the party when everyone was leaving, Justice (7 year old girl) gathered all the punch cups and asked if she could do dishes.  She did and was so proud of it...and Karen was too!  I asked why she was washing the dishes and she replied, "I just wanted to help mom, she's worked so hard today". 

The evening came to close with friends and family saying their goodbyes and Karen's parents sharing Christmas gifts with the children.  The 4 year old boy opened his Buzz LightYear figure and instantly proclaimed "this is the best toy ever!" Later, as I got the boys down for bed, Karen spent some time with Justice, where she gleefully sported her new PJs.  She wanted to open her new Barbie doll and in a few minutes she softly said to Karen "this was the best present ever".  Karen thought she was refrerring to the Barbie and wondered what exactly the doll meant to her.  But then Justice clarified and asked "do you know why?"  And when Karen responded "why?" she simply said "because I got a family". 

 

The special moments continued this morning when Judah awakened to tell Karen that he had a dream:  "I dreamed about being in the shelter".  Then he quickly added, "I like this place alot better!" 

 

Words cannot capture the plethora of "special moments" that were packed into the evening.  From Justice's "I got a family" to Jaden's "I like you dad!" to Judah's "mom, I was dreaming about the shelter and I like this place alot better!" it was a special time.  In looking back over these first few hours with our new children I am again reminded of the Kingdom of God.  Jesus said "let the children come!" as He hoisted one up on His lap as the words rolled off His lips.  It is a wonderful thing when a child finds his or her home.  It reminded me of the verse in Luke 15 when Jesus spoke of the scene in Heaven when somebody finds their Heavenly Father and family:  there is joy in the presence of angels [when one finds their Heavenly Father].  As I watched our 4 new children enjoy all the benefits of family, I could not help but think about all the Heavenly benefits that we enjoy as part of God's family.  We are so abundantly blessed.  While some people get to talk about what the Kingdom of God is like, we got to see, first hand, what the Kingdom of God is like.  Friends, family, kids, all together, rejoicing in the His presence, flourishing in the connections that support and bind us together.  This is life at its best!  We are so thankful to all of our friends, family, children (the older ones), blog readers, and everyone else that have supported us and blessed us along this journey of finding our children.  The best is yet to come!