Feral cats, Feral kids...

Country life is great.  We moved to the country over 7 years ago and have never regretted having a few acres on which to spread out and play Junior Farmer.  We have enjoyed a variety of livestock at one time or another including horses, cows, pigs, goats, chickens, and rabbits.  However, there are a few things that we have, how do you say, learned to live with.  

One such thing is our cats.  We enjoy having a few cats around to hold down the mouse population and overall we have had very few problems with mice in our home/barn.  As far as the cats, we've had them all.  Little ones, big ones, calico, tabbies, black ones, grey ones, black & grey ones, orange, white, part orange-part white-part black, short haired, long haired...you name the cat and we've probably had one that took up residence on our property at one time or another.  Some of them we agreed to while others sniffed us out and decided we were suckers to provide them their next meal!

Each morning the routine is similar.  We set a dish of cat food out on the back porch and have as many as 8 cats to dine with us at one time.  Funny thing about cats though is their finicky, skittish behavior around humans which is a direct result of their socialization when they were young.  Apparently kittens must be held, cuddled and otherwise pampered at a unique period of their life, somewhere between when they first open their eyes and about 8 weeks.  Miss that window of opportunity to make friends with your cat and the result is a feralcat.   In other words, a feral cat is one that avoids loving camaraderie, lives life unto himself, and behaves as if trust is the last thing he is willing to do.  Feral cats go beyond independent.  They are unable to form and significantly attach to their caretakers (i.e., those who feed them) and generally exist in their own little worlds simply surviving while avoiding any potentially affectionate relationships.  Feral cats can be easily identified when humans are present.  They are the ones that stand 15 feet back, while the other, more socialized, connected cats feast away at the food and intermittently rub up against human legs, purring and generally demonstrating all the feline attitude that they are famous for and makes them attractive as pets.  Feral cats will have none of that nonsense.  They act as if they would rather be put in a room full of pit bulls than to have one seconds worth of affectionate interaction with a human being!

This truth was demonstrated in a very real way recently when Bella, one of cats that we got at about 4 weeks of age and whom is adored by Karen and Jeffrey because of her long hair, delivered 3 kittens.  The kittens were promptly snatched up and placed along with their mother in a safe location within our house.  You would have thought Bella had died and gone to Kitty Heaven!  She purred so loud that I thought a motor was errantly left running under our house!  She confidently went outside to do her business and left us with her babies.  Her entire demeanor was that of trust, affection and connection to us.  This is compared to one of the feral cats who roams our back yard, has delivered multiple litters of kittens and never, ever, ever has allowed us near her or her offspring.  While once named, this cat is now known simply as "The Wild Momma Cat"!

Through the years Wild Momma Cat has soften her ferality (if that's a word!). We have spent much time wooing, talking sweetly, offering her sweet assurances, and our patience.  We continue to feed her and make sure that she has her own special place on our farm.  After several years, Wild Momma Cat has gotten to where she can tolerate being on the back porch at the same time with us and will even eat when we are within 6 feet of her.  Not exactly Bella, but for her, progress nonetheless.

Recently, while considering the behavior of our feline population, we noted the similarities between them and our experience as adoptive parents.  Children too, have a window of opportunity to win their hearts and affections.  Miss it and the consequences are dire.  It may take years to find their trust, love and ability to connect again.  They act much like our feral Wild Momma Cat who is quite willing to eat our food and enjoy the shelter of our house, but never really experience the joy of connection that is felt in a loving, no-strings-attached embrace or the sharing a toy or falling asleep knowing that you are loved in this world and not alone.  Instead, feral kids seem to be locked into a state of hypervigilant anxiety, question the angle in any given situation, live life in a self-protective narcissism that precludes satisfying, meaningful attachment to others, rarely feeling the security of falling asleep encompassed by a caring family, while at the same time willing to eat the food and have a roof over their little heads.  

Much more so as we have done with Wild Momma Cat, we spend our days trying to woo, talk reassuringly, and taking our best shot a patience with our children.  Its obvious the window of socialization has passed and we are left with the consequences.  We ask God to repair their broken hearts while we provide food, clothing and shelter.  Like Wild Momma Cat, the kids show signs.  An occasional "thank you" or seeing them play together successfully or doing the right thing when we're not around to see it keep us going.  But taking a child who has so insulated himself against connecting with any other human being...well, it just takes time.  For now, I guess we'll be happy when they just 'eat on the back porch with us'!

Until we talk again...   

Love Fest

We don’t know if everybody has had the same experience of adoption as us or not.  We cant speak for infant adoptions or even international adoptions. We do know what it is like to have birth children and we now know what it is like to adopt older children from foster care. We started writing this blog to simply share with others our experience.  For better or worse, we simply seek to be transparent with our experience with our new children.  I assure you that we entered into this venture with pure hearts.  We had no other motive for adoption other than to provide some children with a loving home and follow the leading of our Lord. 

That being said, we have been surprised and I think its even accurate to say, hurt, along this journey.  When you willingly enter into this thing called parenthood, whether by your own womb or someone else’s, you do so with certain expectations.  Speaking for ourselves, ours was the expectation of a family LoveFest.  We envisioned children happily playing in our yard, mingling with our other children, and feeling the love and security that has been the cornerstone of our home from the beginning.  We expected our new children to somehow magically forget every negative experience of their lives, unlearn every survival behavior necessary to live in their former environments and instantly embrace the love of a caring, committed family.  That is to say, a family that cares about each other, shows common respect for each of its members, and makes sure that each member is given the best possible environment in which to develop his or her God-given skills and purpose in life.  The love always flowed to and from each of our children and us as parents.

It is safe to say that our little LoveFest bubble has been burst.  The point was brought home again when we received the sweetest video from our oldest son featuring our newest pride and joy of the family, baby Kimber.  She is our first grandchild and is now 7 months old.  In the video, she and dad were cuddling, cooing and carrying on like a couple of kittens with a ball of yarn.  In the background was Kimber’s mother saying things like, “say, ‘I love you, da-da!’”  And sure enough, little Kimber would mimic mommy’s voice and all were absolutely thrilled with her confession!  It was a beautiful thing to watch the whole process of little Kimber obviously enjoying every minute of dad’s cuddling and undivided attention.  It taught her two things:  that mom & dad are two loving creatures in her life and that the good, warm fuzzy feelings she had inside were now labeled as “love”.  The bond between Kimber and her parents is well established even now and this child is already growing deep roots of love, respect and connection that will serve her well throughout life.  This, however, is not the part that burst our bubble.

What exactly happens when a child doesn’t get such attention and affirmation from his or her parents?  After all, isn’t this just the endless babblings of over joyed parents having silly little moments with their child that, while cute, doesn’t really have the same effect on anyone else in this world (outside of grandparents that is!) like it does our son and his wife?  But wait a minute.  Let us not be so naïve as to underestimate moments like these.  As we were enjoying the moment on video, Karen suddenly toggled to the relationship we have with our new children and had the thought:  “I don’t think they love us yet.  I think they are happy to live here and that they like the things we do with them.  I think they don’t want to leave but I don’t think they really love us”. 

She went on to say, “You know how when you have a baby and the baby just loves you so much and you know that they depend on you for everything and you are the world to them?  It isnt like that when you adopt older children.  It is as if they have already decided that they are their own (and maybe only) hope and answer”.  I wished I didn’t, but I knew exactly what she was saying.  When you adopt (at least non-infant adoption) the initial task is simply to try to form bonds.  Every ounce of your energy and being goes into trying to form this loving, trusting relationship that so deeply communicates that “hey, you’re home now.  You’ve got nothing to worry about.  You are safe and you are taken care of”.  But how do you do that with a little creature that is stuck in survival mode?   How do you bond with a child to whom you are simply another player in their life whom they must learn to manipulate in order to survive in their little worlds?  Love, attachment, permanency, family and just plain basic respect are just occasional parts that one plays on life's grand stage in order to get what you want at any given moment; the better you can play the part in the theatre, the more likely you will get another toy.  Never get too close because after all, the social worker comes tomorrow and you won't be here anymore! 

As parents, you live for those moments when your baby just looks you in the eyes with adoration and a pure, simple love that knows nothing but to trust you.  With the baby you birthed there is never any question about love and trust.  It is somehow reciprocal and you feel it.  With your adopted children, if there is any love or trust present, you must provide it all alone.  It is a constant feeling that you are the only one that showed up for this love fest.  You are the only one invested in this relationship.  And when you feel like giving up or just riding this thing out until they hit 18 you get this nudge in your spirit that says, "now you know how I felt!" and you remember somewhere in the back of your mind that Bible verse that says something like "and while we were yet sinners, Jesus loved us".  At that moment, you get it!  You are reminded that you were once in a relationship where you didn't love, didn't trust and didn't reciprocate.  The only one that showed up for the LoveFest was Jesus.  Prayers were simply attempts to get what you wanted and not prayers that entertained the very heartbeat of God and His wishes.  Forget enjoying a relationship with the King of the Universe.  All operations were based on “what have you done for me lately!” 

In spite of the yucky feelings that come from feeling completely used, manipulated, and somewhat embarrassed as you stand there all alone with your love, we will start again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that, and on and on, and try all over again to get them to participate in our family’s LoveFest.  Just like God with us, we aren’t in this to teach them all the right lines …we are after their hearts.  Even though we know that at this time in their little lives, they are incapable of returning love as we would so yearn for them to do...or as our birth children were able to do, we will do our best to show them a love that we have been shown by our Heavenly Father...for love is patient, it is kind; it does not envy, doesn’t boast, and doesn’t act rudely.  It doesn’t seek its own way, is not easily provoked and does not rejoice in somebody else’s wrongdoings or mistakes.  It rejoices only in the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never, ever, ever, ever, evvvverrrr fails!  (our version of I Corinthians 13 and a line from the movie “Martian Child”!).

Until we talk again… 

The Unruly Member Strikes Again!

Since adding the children to our family in 2010 we have been constantly reminded of the parallel processes (see Russell’s article on Parallel Processes at www.simplesolutions4.com) in adoption.  That is, many of God’s truths have been revealed to us through the daily issues and struggles we have encountered while parenting our children. Parenting children that we did not birth reflect spiritual truths involved in the spiritual adoption God undertook in order to have us in His family.  While children will be children, we constantly are reminded of what God did for us in order to make us part of His family.  At times, it has appeared to be a constant stream of the revelation of God’s love and His desire for all of us human beings.

One of those revelations occurred recently.  It is safe to say that one of the most prominent battle groups with our children has been focused on food.  We recognize that kids by nature can be somewhat fickle at the dinner table but our new children have taken fickle to a new level of insanity!  What they ate yesterday is arsenic today!  And I’m not just talking “hold-your-nose-and-stuff-it-in” protests…I’m talking “dig-in-your-heels-and-I-dare-you-to-make-me” wars!  Given that several of the children came to us with diagnosis of malnurishment and associated health issues, we have been extremely concerned with their eating habits.

On the flip side of protesting food that is good and healthy is the absolute obsession and manner in which they devour sweets and junk food.  To give them a piece of cake or heaven forbid, candy, is like throwing a slab of meat into a pool of hungry sharks.  Seriously!  We are talking feeding frenzy times 10!  It’s not just eating fast, it was as if they have never eaten before, will never eat again and become completely tuned out to everything else going on around them.  Their tongues and taste buds seem to control everything even at the expense of health and well-being, not to mention the relationships with those around them.  And what is more disconcerting is that we have tried just about every form of consequence, reward and reinforcement known to mankind to shape this behavior into something close to normal.  While we have made some progress, it is still amazing to us how that one little body part called the tongue, with all its little buddies known as taste buds, rules the entire culinary show…even if it means something negative and undesirable as a result.

Recently Karen was thinking about this whole food thing, and realized that perhaps we were given a warning about this phenomenon.  After all, didn’t James tell us that the tongue was an “unruly member, full of poison” and could easily have its way to the destruction and detriment of the rest of the body?  Yes, we usually interpret this scripture in the context of “be careful little mouth what you say” and that would absolutely be an accurate lesson of this scripture.  But as we well know, whatever we see in the natural has a spiritual parallel and vice versa. 

When it comes to food, the tongue is still the guy who wants to be out of control at the expense of the rest of the body.  “Give me cake!  Give me Dr. Pepper!  Give me sugar!  Give me all the stuff that brings me pleasure even if it means I become malnourished or have triple bypass surgery at 35 years old!”  Not only does the tongue spout out words that control our life and destiny, but it seems that it demands its own satisfaction at the dinner table as well.  The tongue not only becomes the rudder of the ship in the context of our words, but it is also that part that defiles our body…literally! 

Not only demanding sweets and junk food but also demanding unlimited supplies of it. Our body becomes full long before our tongue is tired of tasting. Our bodies need nourishment from healthy foods and nutrients, while our tongue only longs for taste fulfillment. Our muscles need amino acids, our bones need calcium, our brains need omega 3s and yet the tongue is ruling what each body part gets. And when we are full and need to stop eating, the tongue still demands one more taste.

James said that like the bit in the mouth of a horse that directs its path, we must place a “bit” in our mouths to guard our words.  It may be that we need to wear that “bit” at the dinner table too!

Until we talk again…

Ego-Man

We have fought many battles over the course of our adoption of our sibling group.  The pressure has been great and the stress overwhelming at times.  Some of it we have written about and some we have not.  There is so much that our children have endured and the result of their struggles often presents as a quite self-centered and egocentric existence in this world.  Sometimes even narcissistic in nature.  But we have come to understand their little struggles over the past year in a different way.  As a rule, life always seems to offer judgment as the first response when others aren't what we think they should be.  It is only when we bring the judgmental thinking to the obedience of Christ (see Phillippians 2) that we understand there is more to behavior than meets the eye.

Some of the lessons that Karen & I have learned over the past year begins with the basic tenet that to find a way to laugh is probably your best option in terms of guarding your heart and soul against callous, harsh and judgmental build-up that absolutely clogs up the joy, peace and love pipes in your soul.  So, in the spirit of "laughter really is the best medicine" we share with you our laugh of the day.

Our recently turned 5-year-old-but-I-know-everything-well-beyond-my-years son, who is known for his egocentric manner of being in this world came flying out of his room fully equipped in superhero garments, i.e., cape, t-shirt with the "S" on the front, and mask, yelling "Ego-Man, Ego-Man!"  While I [Russell] thought the identity sure fit, I queried him in order to understand this "Ego Man" superhero.  Again, the little fellow , put his hands on hips, stuck his chest out proudly and shouted "Ego Man!  Ego Man!"  I just shook my head, bowed and prayed that somehow God in His infinite power would deliver him from such an identity!  So I gathered myself to ask one final time, "Ego Man?" to which he became indignant with me.  "No!  No!" "Ego Man!", as he held out his shirt.  I now noticed that it was not an "S" on the t-shirt, but rather an eagle!  ...he was "Eagle Man!" and he could fly like a bird! 

I again lowered my head and this time thanked God for answered prayer! 

Until we talk again, weird is the new norm!

Russell & Karen Thomas

Weird Is The New Norm

As months have now given way to over a year with our new children, we have come to understand that things are different than we expected and parenting these children is much different than our natural children. While there has been all the "big stuff" that we've worked on, i.e., things that are just common sense right that you would think every human being understands, there are also these other things that we have just come to understand as weird. Things that just come from a different place within....things that are just weird! These "weird" moments seem to come from a thinking process unlike other earthlings and represent the difficulty of Martian Children trying to adapt to their new environments. Now don't get us wrong. Weird is not implying "badness". It is simply calling out and labeling the out-of-the-ordinary, didn't-see-that-coming, behavior that is driven by a thinking process unfamiliar to us. We have actually gotten to the place where much of it generates humor in our hearts and home in a way that enhances the whole bonding thing. Let me try to explain.

 Early in our adoption, the little guy, just over 2 years old at the time, was found one cold, winter morning around 6:00 am on the back porch, barefoot and in PJs, feeding the cats...weird! What 2 year old gets up at 6 o'clock (or adult for that matter) and feeds the cats?! It was one of those, "ain't he just the cutiest thing!" moments that later sunk in as, "wow, that was different!". No, that's just weird!

 Another time, the middle boy, age 4 at the time, was found mid-morning playing in his room naked as a jay bird! While admittedly modesty is not the most striking characteristic of a 4 year old male child, most reserve such exhibitions of their birthday suites to streaking thru the house after bath time. Its a little more unusual to simply create their own little naked world while sitting around on the floor playing with their legos. And to further illustrate our point, when asked why he had not dressed the little fellow's response was "Oh! I forgot!" It was 10:30 in the morning, everyone has eaten breakfast, watched a Veggie Tales episode, gotten dressed and are playing like they are supposed to do except for this little fellow who forgot to put his clothes on and turned his play room into a nudist colony!

 And the eldest boy, well, he has redefined the standard for weird. One time I (Russell) played a bedtime game with him where I pretended to crack a fake egg on his forehead and then ran my fingers down his face lightly as if the egg was slimming down his face. Several days later, the entire family ventured to the barn and gathered eggs. On the walk back from the barn, for some unknown reason, the little fellow decided he would repeat my game from the night before. The only thing was that he used a real egg that we just retrieved from the barn! Whap! Egg on forehead...egg broken...egg running down face! His response? He laughed and thought it was a wonderful game! We, on the other hand, laughed on the outside but on the inside we're thinking "What?!!! This is weird!"

 We've spent the past 15 months trying to help our little Martian Children learn the rules here on earth. We've fretted, fasted, prayed and pouted wondering if we would be able to help them understand the concept of "normal". We have decided that it is us, the parents, who will make the changes. Instead of being in a rush to fix all of this stuff, we've decided its in our best interest and the kids to exercise a little acceptance and start with weird being our new norm!

 ...until we write again, have a weirdly blessed day!

 derived from an excerpt of Dr. Russell & Karen Thomas' new book, Raising Martian Children.

What to do when company comes.......

Its been almost a month since our last post and much has happened in our family.  The new year has brought a fresh perspective on life and raising our kids.  While much of our blogging has been therapeutic for us, i.e., you got to do something with all this weirdness!, it has also tended to focus on our struggles.  Today, though, we want to blog about the lighter side.  Perhaps it is indicative of progress that we are beginning to get in touch with the humor again or perhaps it is a form of denial, where we are simply ignoring things to have a moment of laughter...after all, it is good for what ails you!

Recently, Karen caught a segment of conversation between Jeffrey, age 12, and the 3 younger boys.  In the conversation, Jeffrey was providing some sage advice regarding family etiquette, based on his years of experience.

"Look guys, you should never show off when company comes. Don't go getting all your toys and showing them off. Always let the company start the conversation........" 

At this point, Jeffrey has something of an ADHD moment and  begins to digress into conversation regarding some unspoken company behaviors that have obviously bothered the poor child for quite some time.

"Of course, When they start the conversation, it always starts the same way......they always ask you what grade you're in!  Why do they do that?  Why is the first question out of their mouth always 'what grade are you in?'!  Are you kidding me?  Is that the best ice breaker you can come up with?! Seriously! Like a kid wants to talk about school?!" 

By now, Jeffrey has obviously left his role as big brother and role model.  He is now in full give-me-a-break mode, hoping that somehow he can alter centuries-long tradition that has guided the socialization of the young in North American families for time ad infinitum!

"Why do they never say something like, 'is that a new Kinnect?!' or 'what games go with your Wii?!'  Jeffrey continues with a new found mixture of pleading, drama, and focus usually reserved for closing arguments in a court of law.  "But noooo!  They've got to always start out with, 'what grade are you in?!'"
By this time Karen is laughing and wondering where all this is coming from and the 3 younger boys have joined Jeffrey's brief tirade with lots of energy but not the foggiest idea what they are protesting!
One could say that Oppositional-defiant behavior has many expressions and is certainly alive and kicking in the Thomas household.  But then I guess trying to form a family unit from scratch and the stresses that go along with the task has all kinds of way of oozing out of a human being.  In the case of one 12 year old, it must have seemed easier to take a shot at tradition than to try to teach it! 

As we say here in the south, Bless his heart!  Until we talk again...

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